Saturday, December 31, 2011

Cars 3: Gay Cars
Okay this is either an anal bleaching/crystal meth party gone horribly wrong or HAS ANYONE SEEN COURTNEY LOVE LATELY?

Seriously, who is torching the gay cars in West Hollywood?

Also, I can't get over my fascination with anal bleaching. Love it!

Crystal's Indignant AGAIN

Fine, right, a harmless little article about Dick Clark. The perennial teenager or whatever they call him. Except that he had a stroke, has slurred speech and is visibly OLD now. And all of that's fine. I don't care. But dont' do this: The guy is still the boss. He walks into the room, and you defer. He is Dick Clark. - Ryan Seacrest.

Really? No you don't. They guy is probably wheeled into the room, halfway lucid and propped up to countdown from ten - which, according to the article, he can't do very well anymore. And again, this is fine, but why do we do this? It perpetuates this weird myth that old people aren't real and that youth rules. Okay, I believe that. But really, if we didn't have to do this GrandMadonna would be able to let her 50+ pussy fly without worries of vaginoplasty (speaking of Vagina Dentata - ouch!). Cher could wear her thong booby combination and let that skin sag. It's okay people. We all get old. Okay, now I have to go take my supplements, drink my aloe vera juice and apply SPF 75 sunblock all over my bodice.

Sisters AREN'T doing it for themselves.

Good Morning Dear Readers -

I'm pissed. Partially because as Crystal was resting on the toilet after too many cups of coffee I came across this in today's newspaper:
Now most of this articles is Obama loves queers but won't say it because it's too risky for an election year. Although there is a (small) part of it that says Obama loves queers and may say something before the election because the Republicans are so anti-gay that all the rest of us that don't eat opossum and fuck our sisters (wait? what?) need someone to vote for.

Fine. But then this little gem, which really burns Crystal's britches.

In October, two weeks after the military’s ban on openly gay soldiers ended, the president received a standing ovation at a dinner held by the Human Rights Campaign, a group that advocates for gay rights. He felt comfortable enough with the crowd to joke about having held “productive bilateral talks with your leader, Lady Gaga.”

Hmmmm. Well, HRC, not okay with me. A: they have many times thrown trans health issues away. And we all know that trannies need health care like everyone else - and yes I go the memo and no I don't care.

B: HRC will give a standing ovation to a president who has openly said, many times, that he does not support gay marriage? Listen, I'm not sure I do either - or any marriage for that matter - but Crystal is not being feted for her support of queers. Or is she, every day in every way as she struts up and down Rivington, looking for that dollar pizza slice?

C: And this is really the bee in my mother-fucking-I-am-worshipping-the-lord-our-savior-Hillary Rodham Clinton-bonnet: productive bilateral talks with your leader, Lady Gaga. Exsqueeze me? Now for all the queens in the audience you may want to stop reading because I am sure to offend. But what the fuckin' shit fuck? Really? We are not all apple-tini drinking, Lacoste wearing (Crystal wouldn't dream!), clutch carrying faggots who wear matching bow ties with our new husband OMG Isn't he so cute and he's a total power bottom. Do you have meth?

What the fuck? I'm sure the HRC crowd creamed their collective panties full of bleached assholes and shaved balls and less pubic hair than Pierre after his balls went to the place in the sky I like to call Grandma Louise's Compound - bitch is still going strong. Go Lou!

Why do gay men in particular participate in this minstrel? Will & Grace are dead. Grace is now do something on some new show where Steven Spielberg talks about Marilyn Monroe. And I think Will might actually be dead.

This is the equivalent of Obama going to the NAACP and saying that he has had "productive bilateral talks with your leader, Oprah." Oh wait.

Okay, it's like if he went to Chinatown and said that he has held "productive bilateral talks with your leader, Mickey Rooney, in Breakfast at Tiffany's.

Why do we continue to take this? I'm telling you, once more, Dear Readers HIllary is Saviour. British version bitches. And fuck even that. Just live your own life. You really need the state to tell you it's okay. Because you'll never feel affirmed because they are never going to tell you that going to the Bathhouse high on meth and sucking twelve dicks in one night is okay (but really, I didn't swallow.) UGH.

And speaking of Gaga - bitch is a product. She's like 3 years old and had a store at Barney's filled with shit to get young gays to blow their wad on garbage. She should at least wait until she washed up like her idol, GrandMadonna, to start selling crap like her new fragrance Truth or Dare, available at fine department stores everywhere. What the shit is that going to smell like? The '90s? Vitamin B shots, Restalyne and Human Growth Hormone? African Placentas? You know that's why she is Raising Malawi. So she can take all these babies and get the after birth (AFTER BIRTH - Grace Jones, Boomerang) in hopes of rejuvenating her youth, career, life.

Friday, December 30, 2011

I know, I know

Listen - It's been nearly a month since I got my tired, fat ass off of the sofa to write this shit. I get it. But we've been under a lot of stress. (I was going to say duress but I'm not sure of the spelling or definition - damn you home schooling!). Anyway, there are a couple of reasons: A: Gorgeous was exhausted after being date raped by Art Basel. That shit is just plain stoopid and she is now in recovery.

Crystal Bridges, well, she's taking longer to build than originally thought. But Roberta likes her so that's enough for us over here at The Interlopere.

Actually I don't know if Ms. Smith likes us or not as I haven't had the opportunity to read this. Read: I've been drunk trolling the Internet every night - Crystal on Manroulette:

Crystal: Hi


Crystal: 9 inches here!


Crystal: Look at Pierre!


The other reason is that Crystal is still working her two jobs, one at the 5 & 10 and the other at the soup kitchen, putting slosh in tin cups and then hocking doo doo and tampons. This will end soon.

Another reason is that I've been busying myself getting my transcripts from the aforementioned home schooling so I can finally get my Associate's from DeVry. Mom won't return my calls.

What the shit?!

The whole point to this is that Crystal, Gorgeous and the entire The Interlopere family are going to come back large in 2012. We're going to join Skanz - that's right... Skanz! and hopefully get our figure back.

I know, I know it's cliche to start anew on January 1 but right now that's all we have so shut the shit down.

So things to look forward to in 2012: Our top ten lists of: our favorite outfits, best places to masturbate in a 500 square foot apartment, how to cover up face herpes when you have an Internet hook up, crabs, best Deepak Chopra books I've never read, dead people.

Okay, love you all toots!

One more cup of coffee 'fore I go... to the valley below - Bob Dylan ft. Emmylou Harris

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Is Jerry Saltz a The Interlopere fan?

He certainly must be or else he is clairvoyant. See what Jerry said above and see what Crystal said only a few posts ago.

Things that make you go "Hmmmmm?"

Work of (F)Art

Now Jerry Saltz has gone and done it too. Following in the grand footsteps of Mr. Adam Lindemann ne Asshole and Charles Saatchi, Jerry has gone and entered into the 'Art should be pure!' mode of critique. Which is really starting to sound like blah blah blah I'm a middle-aged straight white schlubby man and why won't Nate Lowman return my phone calls. There is no longer room at the Inn for everyone. Or maybe there is and that's the problem.

Let's dissect Jerry's piece in NY Magazine. Let's!

J’accuse museums of bullshit! Of ­bogusly turning themselves into smash-hit consumer circuses, box-office sensations of voyeurism and hipster showbiz.

Here, let's replace 'museums' with Work of Art, Jerry's hit Bravo reality competition show.

Many museums are drawing audiences with art that is ostensibly more entertaining than stuff that just sits and invites contemplation. Interactivity, gizmos, eating, hanging out, things that make noise—all are now the norm, often edging out much else.

Here, let's replaces 'many museums' with Work of Art, Jerry's hit Bravo reality competition show.

It’s arty junk food, It would be impossible to imagine anyone getting anything from these works, except briefly distracted, It’s a vacuous vicious circle, ostensible populism masquerading as collectivity, They no longer serve art

Hmmmm... is Jerry talking about museums or Work of Art his hit Bravo reality competition.

The Interlopere: Crystal Bridges Spares No One.


Now we weren't going to share this because I believe that some things should just remain between friends (hookers, coke habits) but after some thought and prayer with my good friend Deepak Chopra: Gorgeous you must share your experience with the world in order to enact change - I thought, 'Deepak, you are so right.' so here is a picture of me with me good friends Diddy and Julian Schnabel or Orange Julian as I like to call him.

Closing Time

For Gorgeous' final night at Art Basel Miami Bitch we were personally invited by Mr. Kehinde Wiley to his fish fry. Now, normally this is a private event reserved for just family but for some reason Mr. Wiley decided to open it up to some friends (read: trash) so Gorgeous had to slum it with the likes of Joe (and you know who you are Joe! We were bored before it began!). We do have to say however that this night Gorgeous made a new best friend - no it's not you Naomi! but Sarah, glamor personified. Oh! And here's our good friend Crystal Bridges - we're not sure how this bitch got in but there was a rumor that someone blew the security guard in the bushes of The Standard. Crystal has been known to slum it before. Anyway, we danced the night away while sipping on Remy Martin Mojitos.


Catherine Zeta Jones Slept Here

Okay so maybe she didn't sleep here exactly but CZJ did rest her weary bones on Gorgeous' chair at the NADA art fair where she bought some gorgeous reproductions - 'put your card away Catherine! I've got it dahling!' said Bob Colacello or was it Vito Schnabel? Who can keep up? So, Catherine put her Discover back in her vintage Gloria Vanderbilt wallet wrapped in leather and lace - in all honesty she was looking like a grandma-fied Stevie Nicks. Speaking of Stevie Nicks Grandma Naomi Campbell also stopped by, looking rode hard and put away wet.
Gorgeous saw it all.

Mr. Adam Lindemann ne Asshole

As we have previously reported Mr. Adam Lindemann ne Asshole had boycotted Art Basel Miami Beach because blah blah blah. Well, when Gorgeous stormed in to the party of all parties, the place where people were clamoring to get in, where the flashbulbs were too hot to handle when Gorgeous strutted her hot ass up the front stairs next to Naomi and Diddy wearing her up to there slit who should show up next to her, schlubbing his way into all of my press? None other than Mr. Adam Lindemann ne Asshole. I guess he just couldn't resist all of the glitz and glamor of Miami Beach. Here are some photos I snapped from my secret Snatch Camera of Mr. Lindemann. He looks like he's having a good time to me.

Monday, December 5, 2011

Gorgeous is coming off of her hangover. Expect full reporting tomorrow.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Christian Slater don't be a hater... Of Gorgeous.
Owen Wilson: still alive!
The always chic Sikh spotted: waris ahluwalia
Val Kilmer spotted at Art Basel Miami Beach: Fatman
This whole thing is like an American Apparel ad.

Someone Needs An Enema

Now as you know Dear Readers this is Gorgeous' first time at the big Miami Art Fair - previous years I've spent sunning myself in St. Tropez, wanting to be as far away from this craziness as possible. But then Gorgeous got right and said: You know what world? I want to be in the heart of it all - no, not the Milford Plaza, but Art Basel Miami Beach. Now Mr. Lindemann's Chocolates seems to not be having any fun anymore. Clearly he's had too much fun in the past and is still angry about losing out on that piece everyone wanted a few years back... you know the one, right Dear Readers?

Here are some gems from his article:

It’s high time I start making more studio visits, and visiting more emerging galleries. It’s work but these days that’s the only way to get ahead.

It is work Mr. Lint Man. I mean, you're going to have to call your driver, get in your car and go all the way to GASP Brooklyn or maybe even Queens. You know how those young artists like fringe-y places. It really is the only way to get ahead.

It’s merchandise, it’s eye candy, it’s commercial without enough real content, and, in the end, it’s just plain boring.

Did you just enter the art world Mr. Entenmanns? It's merchandise? And eye candy? The Hell You Say! And the winner of the Stating the Obvious Award 2011 goes to...

Let’s agree to boycott the whole thing; let’s simply not go. Let’s group together and agree not buy a single thing this year in Miami—not a print, not a sculpture, not a multiple, not even a signed poster. Let them sell us nothing this year, and we’ll watch with glee as the whole circus dries up and shrinks right down to the size of a pup tent.

You're an idiot.

If we succeed in stopping them now, we can then enforce some new rules in this game. First and foremost, art fairs should be for collectors only; if you’re not coming to buy art, get the hell out. Second, gallery dinners only, preferably with a few artists and curators sprinkled in to keep it kosher.

Is this so, Mr. Lintman, you don't have to slum it with non- collectors? I agree! Ugh, all of those poor people. They disgust me. How dare they get to go to the Shopping Mall of Art and hang out with rich people! Let them eat cake! Make them hang posters!

Third, those “hard to get” early-entrance VIP cards can go only to real collectors who are invited by the galleries.

I agree. Because if I have to see Gwynnie and the Jigga walking around talking about her recording career when I am trying to seriously buy some serious art I am going to scream! Get out of my art fairs trash!

Occupy Art Basel Miami Beach is a new movement designed to correct the ills of global art fairdom once and for all, and to send the dealers, the artists and especially the art-fair companies our message of protest: hell no, we won’t go!

Let's not go to art fairs. Let's not go anywhere except our private residences where we can see our private collections of art. And let's make the help look down when they pass our masterpieces. Or better yet, Gorgeous is hiring an art coverer just to cover the work when the Plebes are cleaning/cooking/delivering in my penthouse, guesthouse, beach house and private jet.

Dear Mr. Rin Tin Lindemann: you should go with your fancy wife, your fancy life and build your own country where only art collectors can go - the serious ones - and not let the trash in. Because Gorgeous will be first in line to get one of those tickets. It's really Art World Eugenics. Let's bring it!

I also LOVE how you have co-opted the Occupy label for rich people. Why didn't Gorgeous think of this first. I commend your aplomb!

and if these people don’t fix their fair, next year we’ll riot, we’ll scream bloody murder and throw rotten tomatoes if we have to. The buck stops here, so join me in staying home, and in saving our money for good art that’s properly exhibited.

I mean, let's be real. I'm not going to throw rotten tomatoes but I'll hire a French speaker to do it for me. All of my help must speak French! And not the Haitian kind.



It Has Begun

As you all know, Dear Readers, Gorgeous landed in exotic Miami, Florida last night at approximately 8:51 PM. And then she hiked up her skirt, hailed a cab and said "get me to the bar goddamnit!" and at the bar is where we stayed. And stayed. And stayed. Gorgeous got the inside scoop on so much, including: Madonna, B-Roid (Madge's onetime boyfriend, a famous ball player) and much much more.
So for our first big scoop we will be going to Mr. B. Roid's house tonight where rumor has it he keeps his Scope in Patron bottles.
**Please note, we have been advised by our legal counsel (David) to change the name of this famous ball player**
Gorgeous had fantasies last night of dancing with Ms. Naomi Campbell - who is rumored to be the surprise guest at tonight's B. Roid's party - but in reality we'll take a drink being thrown at us.
Don't worry, now that Gorgeous got her new Siri Cruise phone she'll be documenting the entire thing. We'll see Mr. B-Roid air kissing China Chow as art stars from across the globe roll their eyes.
It's outrageous and only getting more Gorgeous with me down here.
Now for today I just have to decide which bikini to wear.

But stay tuned. Because I'll be reporting on all of these spoiled white bitches for the next week. *Note I said white because Naomi Campbell is a god and sweet Jesus I will suck the cock of B-Roid's dog if it means I get close to Ms. Naomi Campbell.

PS. I did meet a cute hipster at the Walgreen's last night and shared an electronic cigarette with him. True story!

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

under silkenevening or on Facebook (Gorgeous is a little tipsy right now and has no idea what to follow her under there!). Just follow her goddamnit!
celebrities will be at your fingertips. Oh! And did we mention the art? Follow Gorgeous on Foursquare signed in under Crystal Bridges or in Twitter signed in
Full coverage starting tonight from Art Basel Miami starring our foreign correspondent Gorgeous. Access to the hottest parties, sexiest bodies and trashiest

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Mac & Cheese

Okay, this just reaffirms so many things.

A: That Grandma Betty really has some black in her and not Indian as she so desperately likes to posit, especially around this time of year. Mac & Cheese is a staple at our holiday table.

B: Condi Rice: once a house nigger... How in the shit does she go on this show? As a conservative Christian woman? My ass. She needs to own up that fucking Pat Robertson is an ignorant, racist mother fucker who should be stuffed with 12 dicks for Thanksgiving. Condi is clearly so uncomfortable with this interviewer. Not because of her questions but Condi hasn't seen that much polyester in a weave since she was forced to launder Laura Bush's merkin. (You know Laura's nervous condition made her pull out something!)

C: 'What is this mac & cheese? Is that a black thang?' - Pat Robertson. Let me tell you what's a black thang you fuck. It's me showing up on your doorstep with a double-headed dildo, one head in my ass, primed and ready to go and the other dripping with my used jizz ready to penetrate your bad hole. Oh and here's another black thang, it's me getting my rage out on while I piss on you while making you watch reruns of The Jeffersons, 227, The Cosby Show and Gimme A Break starring Ms. Nell Carter.


I'm already so angry and I haven't even talked to my mother yet.

Happy Thanksgiving!



Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Don't get violent! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! - Edward Vedder
Note to self: don't wear mesh past Labor Day. Titty chill!

Theme Song for OWS?

Anyway, as I was waxing nostalgic, not to mention waxing my nalgene (?!) I came across this gem of a video and remembered how Gorgeous and I met. It was '85 or '86, a Mother Love Bone concert in Seattle. She had gone there to dry out (again) but she was apparently off the wagon this time because there she was, back stage, rimming Chris Cornell.

I said "girl, you better get it together hon'" but was quickly swept away by Stone Gossard who was just dying for me to meet this new guy, Ed Vedder. I was excited, the new gal in town, looking for a little action. But let me tell you Dear Readers what I got was some long hair who I had to hold the entire night because he couldn't stop crying about his mother.

I'm pretty sure this is when my transition began.

Anyway, for all you OWSers, think about... you need a theme song!

I don't mind stealing bread
From the mouths of decadence
But I can't feed on the powerless
When my cup's already overfilled
But it's on the table
The fire's cooking
And they're farming babies
While the slaves are working
Blood is on the table
And the mouths are choking
But I'm going hungry

I don't mind stealing bread
From the mouths of decadence
But I can't feed on the powerless
When my cup's already overfilled
But it's on the table
The fire's cooking
And they're farming babies
While the slaves are all working
And it's on the table
The mouths are choking

But I'm going hungry
I'm going hungry

I don't mind stealing bread

I'm going hungry
(Going hungry)

The Reviews Are In

Here's what one, Pierre, thought about the new 'Drive' trailer:

The Drive Trailer Hollyweird Doesn't Want You To See

That's right Dear Readers, Crystal Bridges has uncovered this little gem from a place I like to call... the Internet. I don't know who this hunk of an action star is but 'Drive' was apparently set at DisneyLand but due to contract issues could not be shown to American audiences. I do, however, hear it is huge in France and Japan. Now I don't want to keep on beating up on "Ryan Gosling" but there's something that just doesn't sit right with Crystal.

What do you think, Dear Readers, of this star turn?

Until Next Time,

Crystal Bridges

This Just In

Dear Readers -

Gorgeous will be The Interlopere's roving correspondent for Art Basil Miami. Crystal herself would like to go but her good friend Salman Rushdie told her that there is a fatwa on her head and to travel to Miami at this time would be risky. Plus, Crystal must maintain her anonymity!

Get Stuffed After Stuffing

Dear Readers, as a heterosexual woman, Crystal has never even set foot in a gay bar but this one looks kind of fun, like the kind of fun one can have at a private golf club where the darkest shade is orange from the members' wives who spend just a little too much time under the gorgeous glow of the fluorescents of the tanning bed.

When Crystal was coming up she would hear about all kinds of gay bars from Aunt Shannon: Marie's Crisis, Crisco Disco, Uncle Tim's Bathroom, and she always imagined these places as diverse spots filled with hairy men bumping and grinding and calling their grandmothers to express their love of crosswords.

These modern-day gay bars look more like a boarding school where the poppers waft freely and the farthest these boys go is third base because even shit is too dark for them.

The Interlopere: Barrier Free Homosexuality

File Under: Classy

In what can only be described as really bad timing Mr. Robert Wagner, he of Dead on the Boat Natalie Wood fame has decided to take, what I'm sure will be the role of a lifetime, as a murder suspect on NCIS.

Come on RJ! You have enough money, right? From all of those Hart to Hart reruns? From your turns in 'Austin Powers', 'Two and a Half Men'?

Hmmmm? Crystal is beginning to become very suspect of Hollywood and its ways. We're going to start calling it Hollyweird. I'm pretty sure that we have trademarked that so don't even try Spielberg!

RJ Wagner: Totes So Pierre!

We All Need To Keep Our Help

In GOP debate over national security, Gingrich defends long-term illegal residents

Of course he does. He's got people who clean his house, organize his garage and do Calista's hair. We cannot push out our illegals!

However, Newt, if we do, both Crystal and Gorgeous are free to come in and do Calista's hair.
Q: What do an African, an Indian and a Jew have in common?
A: Thanksgiving dinner with Crystal Bridges.

Introducing Gorgeous

Hello Dear Readers - Good Morning!

I want to introduce you to me good friend and mentor, Gorgeous. A former editor at Conde Nast Traveller (where she got fired for doing a bit too much Nast and not enough Travelling if you know what I mean) she is back, fresh from her stint in rehab where she may or may not have seen Ms. Tara Conner.

She's a good girl who may occasionally check in here while, over the busy holidays, Crystal may be jet setting off to the Upper West Side, East Harlem or Ft. Lauderdale.

Also, look out for Gorgeous' Tumblr page, coming soon. Here she'll document - with clear eyes for the first time in years - her travails throughout the city.

This picture was taking early this morning, so don't judge. Gorgeous didn't have time to do her hair yet.


Crystal Bridges

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

File Under: Who Hasn't?

So he smoked weed with an NYPD informant? So he tried to circumcise himself? I'm pretty sure my mom castrated my step dad. And Grandma Betty's got a voice like Harvey Fierstein so something definitely happened to her nether regions. And I'm tucking as we speak.

But does a self-circumcision make him a terrorist? I need more. Maybe he was converting to Judaism but they wouldn't take him, like in that episode of Sex and the City when Charlotte had to repeatedly go back to the Rabbi. And she was only able to because she was rich and didn't have a job. Maybe this Jose Pimento just didn't have the time.

Help a brotha out!

Stay strong,

Crystal Bridges

Are There No New Dead People?

I mean, Dear Readers, I just don't understand the fascination with JFK anymore. I get it, he died. Why are Americans so bent on rehashing any single horrific event they can over and over and over again? Maybe it's because white Americans haven't suffered enough so they take on any pain they can???

Listen, Crystal has felt pain, Dear Readers, real pain, like when she had to have her hair died twice in one month because we just couldn't get it to the blonde necessary to continue living!

Or like the time when she had to squeeze into a size 0 because all of the 2s were gone! Or when she just simply outgrew her mom's pumps but didn't have any money of her own. It was hard being a single gal in upstate New York, living with your mom and having to steal her True Blues when you went out on the town to try and find a man. Not to mention the shame of having to be driven to the Green Gables by Grandma Betty - and it wasn't even her shift to bartend. But we split a Remy Martin and shared some stories, that old gal and me.

Shepard Fairey Unveils New ‘Hope’ Poster

Art World, Politicos, Protesters collectively yawn.

'Your work all day. Tough Job.'

Romney Plays Pussy Card

Not only is this Kelly Coyote a potential running mate for Mitt Romney - quick do a McCain and find a pretty lady to excite the far-right base! - but she sued, as Attorney General, and personally argued against Planned Parenthood in Ayotte vs. Planned Parenthood of Northern New England.

Now Crystal has had multiple abortions since the age of 13 and she stands by her right to do so. And besides, mom was too drunk to give consent.

Okay, okay, I get it. You're pro-life. Congratulations. Why isn't it that you can be pro-life? Do you have to make everyone else pro-life too? It's like people who are pro-choice are trying to make others have an abortion, the option is just there, or not, if you don't want it.

Now, Crystal, we're pro-abortion so we're on the far end of the spectrum, we know. But ugh. Maybe this Coyote lady is qualified, what do I know?

Maybe I should start a campaign to be Herman McCain's running mate? Sweet Jesus! Could the Godfather handle it? I mean, I wouldn't mind a little slap on the ass every now and then if you know what I mean Dear Readers... and I think you do PERVERTS.

Will The Real Hipster Please Stand Up!

Dear Readers - you know Crystal was all in a twitter the other day about that Ryan Gosling and his twee-ass self. Well, now she's gone and found some trick for Grindr or JDate or Ebay and had him recreate some 'classic' Gosling moves. You tell me, who is the real hipster and who is not?!

I know! It's too hard to tell Dear Readers and this is my point... Ryan Gosling, just another panty waist of a hipster posing as James Dean as Marlon Brando as a serious actor.

Can I get a what? what?!

Monday, November 21, 2011

Move Over Steve Jobs!

Now you know, Dear Readers that Crystal is not one for religion. But if she was she would believe in reincarnation. It is no coincidence that within a month of Steve Jobs' death The Interlopere has learned how to mobile blog. That's right, she's on the prowl, on the beat, on the path. She'll be blogging from Harlem to Hanoi, from the Lower East Side to the Laos (someone she always ends up in South East Asia?).

But seriously.

The Interlopere: My Blog's Technology Can Kick Your Blog's Technology's Ass. Or Something Like That.
Testing testing 123!

Come on Christians!

Where do I even begin? Now, you may know Dear Readers that Crystal Bridges, nee The Interlopere loves abortions, talking about abortions, funding for abortions and the lyric 'legalizing mass abortions' - David Bowie. She is not sure, however, that she loves the above article but there are some interesting points that we would like to point out.

In 2011, the Guttmacher Institute reported that 65 percent of women having abortions self-identified as Christian; 37 percent as Protestant and 28 percent as Catholic. A 1996 study found that 20 percent of all nationwide abortions were woman who identified themselves as born-again or evangelical Christians.


Okay, not really. Religious folks as hypocrites? How could they not be? There are too many rules! If all of these Christians, et al followed the scriptures to a T (tee? tea? TEA PARTY?! this shit is scaring even Crystal!) then they would be all Martha Marcy May Marlene on our ass. They're bad enough. I thank the maker ('s mark) for religious hypocrites. At least it gives us something to point out. It's like when Bill Clinton was schtooping The Intern and Newt Gingrich was all 'you should be impeached for immorality and shit' and then we all found out he was between wives with a (nother!) mistress and yuck. These poor women! We should all learn to have abortions, okay?

Point 2.

Rather than protest what others are doing, Christians must be the alternative of what they oppose. This means being "pro-life" in all areas of life -- as foster parents, as adoptive parents and caring for the single, pregnant female who has chosen to keep her child. This requires the willingness to make a sacrificial, ongoing, life-time commitment.

Exactly. And when this shit happens Crystal will pull out her stencil of Christ on the cross and shave her pubes. Now, surely some people foster & adopt. But who really helps the 'single, pregnant female'? I mean, come on... And remember Christians not all of these babies are white... or Asian. You have to take the dark ones too. Oh, and the retarded ones. And yes, the homos and trannies too. Oops and don't forget the ones that come from rapists or the ladies' fathers and the pregnant females have to drink and smoke and do drugs to cope with their shitty existence so their kids come out with gills. Don't forget about those ones either.

So onward my Christian soldiers! If you promise to adopt, foster and take in every almost-abortion I will become pro-life for life. Promise.

Is it a deal?

See you in Hell.


Crystal Bridges

Can't We All Just Get Along?! AKA A New Argentina|topnews|text|FRONTPAGE

We've been saying it all along - that the similarities outweigh the differences, both are populist (and that's okay!) and that everyone should throw social issues out the door and get together and have a beer (everyone likes beer!) and join forces to get what everyone wants. Can both sides agree? I mean, even while 'researching' and writing this I found disagreements in my own argument but I do think this is true:
But both are driven by a sense of moral outrage. Neither has a national leader, and both are unhappy with the Obama administration.

And I'm sort of annoyed at both groups constantly, although admittedly less at OWS because I'm sure that their social issues are more closely aligned with mine but ultimately I think both groups want less government and let me tell you, Crystal Bridges, having worked with the 99% for 100 years + now thinks that while more government is certainly flawed without it even more people would be fucked. And they already are. The problem isn't with a government it's with a morally corrupt governemnt and power corrupts. It could be made more local but then it becomes some trickle down shit... remember Ronald Reagan anyone?

Crystal doesn't have the solution or really any answers. She's too buy primping for her next blog post.

Stay strong populists! Crystal supports you!

The Interlopere: Walking both sides of the line.

Designer Imposters

Now nothing as dramatic as hospitalizations or even cuts and bruises occurred at the H&M Crystal visited with her BF David but there were some highlights. Or rather lowlights. Or rather calming the cranky down as we waited on line for a few hours.

First of all, Crystal's companion was feeling very nervous, even awkward about being there and waiting on line. Crystal espoused some of mom's wisdom: She always used to tell me - if someone sees you at Ames why would you be embarrassed? They're there too. This is perhaps the smartest thing my mother ever said.

At 9:04 a.m. someone who had already purchased a bomber jacket was trying to resell it for $250 while still inside the store. Now Crystal was not that bold but she did go home immediately and post all of her extras on Ebay so that she can afford the next Designer Imposters Collection.

Finally, Crystal was cut-throat, making David wait outside of the 'boutique' while she ran back and forth grabbing the Versace goodies: 'Move it bitch!' or 'Hon' you ain't no size 6!' or 'Look, there's Allegra!' We had all the girls running! And succeed we did!

Now Listen...

Okay, It's a rough morning for Crystal. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because it's been a week since the sweet nectar of beer, wine, liquor, rubbing alcohol has crossed her lips. Maybe it's because she went to bed after watching 'Hunger' by Mr. Steve McQueen - the black one - and started hating England and the Queen and Margaret Thatcher even more. Maybe it's just because Paco has replaced Pierre as the bed cat and sleeps with David and not me. Maybe it's because today, ugh, I have to go to Brooklyn. WHo knows.

But I woke up, frothed my almond milk, poured myself some cafe from my French press and read this: and just thought... Really?

Now you know the only thing I like to kill are fetuses and the occasional pig to keep me in bacon but the fact that this Justin E.H. Smith (are too initials really necessary? Is this to prove your Catholicism via your confirmation name?) says this: In the current American context, however, the turkey pardon is a distasteful parody of the strange power vested in politicians to decide the earthly fates of death-row prisoners. is sort of annoying.

How about the death penalty itself is a distasteful parody of the strange power vested in politicians to decide the earthly fates of death-row prisoners?

Of course the death penalty is wrong and evil and racist and classist. But to say that 'pardoning' the turkey is equivalent to dangling a noose in front of a death-row inmate is dumb to me.

Mr. Smith goes on to make many great points, so please read this article, but to use the turkey pardon as a jumping point feels like dumbing down the argument and yes we believe in anti-intellectual populism, hell! I'm beginning to think that Crystal herself invented it but I'm going to eat my turkey with aplomb this year, pinky in the air, all the while still thinking of my brothers on death row. Also, on the radio I'm hearing that inmates in New York are preparing turkeys for non-profits, soup kitchens, etc. Doesn't this seem odd? Shouldn't we be preparing turkeys for them?

The Interlopere: Crystal Bridges says pull that wishbone hard and wish for the good wish.

Speaking of Ellen Barkin

So as I told you about Crystal took her tired ass to a double-feature this weekend and saw a 10:10 screening of 'Another Happy Day' starring Ms. Ellen Barkin, Ms. Ellen Burstyn, Kate Bosworth - her best role ever - and other people, including Mrs. The Kutch.

So as you may or may not know, I love Ellen Barkin. I used have fantasies that she was my mother and that Steven Spielberg was my father and that Kate Capshaw was none the wiser. Yes I spent hours in the mirror trying to recreate that famous Barkin smirk and justifying my nose as Spielbergs. I watched 'This Boy's Life' over and over and over again and then I would watch the opening sequence of 'Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom' just to feel bad for Kate. Anything Goes indeed. And then I would put on my sister's old prom gown and re-enact the whole thing, squeezing into mom's size 8 Easy Spirits:

Mom: Turn that music down!

Me: Shut up!

Mom: Don't make me come in there!

Me: And do what?!

Mom (banging on my door, smoking): Listen you little son of a bitch...

Me: You just insulted yourself.

Mom: What?

Me: Yeah.

Anyway, I show up to this 10:10 screening for which I paid $14.50 because I bought my ticket in advance because I was convinced it would be sold out because both Ellen Barkin and Sam Levinson were supposed to be there to talk about the film. And it's rumored that they're dating and I was going to tweet, facebook, foursquare the shit out of it. But they didn't show. And I sat there alone, with the other 15 people in the theater wondering what the shit?

Where were they? Were they off having really hot young man, old lady sex like Sam Taylor-Wood and Aaron Johnson (did you know, Dear Readers, that she has had cancer? Twice?).

Anyway, I still love you Ellen Barkin and will never call you Grandma even when you are one but I thought this could have been our spiritual reunion. The time when our eyes connected and you realized that you needed me too. That who better to play your son & lover in The Interlopere's biopic than I, Crystal Bridges?

Hipster Depression or Depressing Hipster?

Okay okay Dear Readers I'm sure you're bored to death of this topic ad nauseam but as a former hipster, aging hipster, someone who is desperately clinging to his skinny jeans and thrift-store t-shirts from 15 years ago - dear God please let me fit into that LIVE AID t-shirt for just another year! but as I watch the world's most famous other hipster I have many thoughts.

Yes I speak of Ryan Gosling - he who can kill puppies with his cuteness. He who is so charming even Ellen found herself cleaning up her Barca lounger after watching Blue Valentine.

So Crystal went to see Drive this weekend, yes by herself, okay and yes a double feature (more on this later... Ellen Barkin!) and yes she ate a large popcorn, small nacho, two hot dogs and a large DIET cola (I ain't gettin' no money from you COKE!) all alone but really it was a fun Saturday night. We had a great time.

Anyway, Drive. We liked it. So much that I bought the soundtrack and listened to it while riding my bike to go and get my roots done and -unbeknownst to me - coming out looking like Grandma Betty's bastard daughter. Wait? Okay, too much at this early hour.

But I was left wondering many things.

A: Why does he get away with being this hipster when I believe - and will posit here Dear Readers - that Ryan Gosling, while a hipster, is really more twee than anything else but get's away with it because he's a man. To me, he is the penised equivalent of Zooey Deschanel (*full disclaimer - I have no idea if either of them has a penis as both appear to have very large breasts).

B: He always seems to be playing another actor playing a character. Like, he's playing Brando playing that guy in Blue Valentine or he's playing some kind of suave guy (Burt Reynolds?) playing some kind of suave guy in Crazy, Sexy, Love. Its like when Christian Slater thought that he was the left testicle of Jack Nicholson and couldn't stop raising his eyebrow, looking down, looking up, and then nasally inhaling his cigarette smoke - girl you know it's true. Don't hate!

C: Does he have Aspberger's? He often times seems - and listen, Dear Readers, this is just a figure of speech - borderline retarded. He's always playing with children or dogs or dolls in his movies and while it gives me sexual fantasies that dare not speak his name is this the face of our leading men?

D: I'm jealous. Suck it.

Anyway, I'll continue to listen to the soundtrack and Google 'Ryan Gosling Shirtless' while still hating on him like nobody's business.

ps. That photo above is of, obviously, Ryan Gosling and me - pre-Betty Blonde- as Ryan's fluffer from his new feature, Puppy Dog Eyes I Love Vagina and Women are the Best, starring Ryan Gosling.

Free 'em all!

Dear Readers -

It's very rare that Crystal Bridges AKA The Interlopere AKA Grandma Betty's Shadow asks much, let alone anything from you but she woke up this morning with a raging erection and she... wait, wrong story.

Anyway, we woke up and as I was preparing my organic greens from my new CSA I started thinking about John Walker Lindh. And how he's still in jail. For like the next 15 years... for what? Ugh, this makes me hate G. W. Bush all over again. This poor kid - the 'American Taliban' got 20 years in prison for essentially being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Okay, okay, you're right - Crystal don't know too much about international politics - hell, Crystal can't even find Queens on a map! but what she does know is this, via her spiritual guru cum the mother-he-never-had Patti Smith:

Audience member: Free Palestine!

Patti Smith: Free 'em all!

Anyway, here's his address. He's still is a practicing Muslim so keep your Christmas cards to yourself.

John Walker Lindh
Reg. No. 45426-083
Federal Correctional Institution
P.O. Box 33
Terre Haute, IN 47808-0033

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Someone's Grumpy

And it ain't Crystal... But this other girl is like Donatella in the morning before her first line.



So yes Dear Readers, Crystal Bridges was first on line for the premier of Twilight: Bella Gets Fucked. She braved the crowds, fought the ladies with their good bags and their cheap shoes and took her place, front and center to bring you the whole scoop on the new Twilight movie. And let me tell you... it was mediocre, like all the others, but that's not the point. The point is that we were part of something; the point is that people clap when the title comes on the screen; that people clap when the werewolf boy takes off his shirt - not unlike Crystal Bridges; that when Edward and Bella (*spoiler alert*) get married, people said awwwwwwww.

Which brings me to my point. This is a movie for middle-aged women and blatant homosexuals, not tween girls as previously thought. But these middle-aged women (read: 30 year olds) are a rare, annoying breed. They're the ladies that are angry that there probably won't be a Sex & The City 3; these are the ladies who want so desperately to be married that they're at the first day, waiting on line, for Twilight. But these are also the ladies that can't own their love for such a low-brow phenomenon; that when they were reading the book on the subway (pre-Kindle) they hid it behind their Cosmo or Glamor or dare I say Marie Claire?!

Now, why be embarrassed? Crystal Bridges is secure enough in her manhood to be standing up shaking her cha-chas at the mere mention of Jacob taking off his shirt of wait! is that a glimpse of Edward's lower back? Swoon!

There were so many annoying women around me who could not stop laughing at any of the blatant, mildly titilating content. Yet that's what it's there for. And it wasn't cat calling (that was me, sorry: Show me your tits Jacob!) but it was embarrassment that as a young-ish New York City gal you had to be sitting here squeezed between your fat-she's-never-going-to-get-married-friend and the lonely gay on a Friday night (not me! Crystal Bridges is anything but lonely! Or is she?).

I mean, Carrie Bradshaw never had to lower her standards to this?!

But seriously ladies, have fun. It is fun, it's meant to be fun. Well, okay, it's actually meant to be a weird Christian-bullshit-propaganda piece but it's got hot young people with nubile flesh.

On another note, Bella Swan may be the most anti-feminist character ever created and while Kristen Stewart pouts her hardest to make her a likable gal, she just comes off as a dumb girl waiting for a man to save her. Jane Eyre she is not. Oh wait, like the audience I saw it with.

The Interlopere: Don't Shoot the Messenger.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Are blogs obsolete?

Crystal has to ask the question: in a world of twits and four squares are sophisticated, meaningful blogs like The Interlopere relevant?

ps. Mrs The Kutch and The Kutch: divorcing!

It's Only a Day Away

That's right... Tomorrow we will have full updates of all the week's news including but not limited to: the Twilight premiere, the Versace debut at H&M, OWS, child molesters and what this week was So Pierre!

Stay tuned!

Sunday, November 13, 2011

New Contact Information

Hello Dear Readers,

As I undergo my transition I wanted to make you aware of my new email address so that you can send me well wishes, warm thoughts, virtual hugs and discount coupons to see The Blue Man Group. It's

Now you may be asking yourself, why not just CrystalBridges? Well, I'll tell you. It's because all of the extra Bridges and Crystals and .s are really like extra sparkles in your day. Like glitter from a princess or pink ponies riding through your dreams. So let me know how you're doing from time to time and drop this old gal a line.

Sunshine and Kittens,

Crystal Bridges

Enough Already

Sweet Jesus, cut the shit Oprah! It is no longer crazy, insane, whatever that you are living your best life while queefing your A-Ha! moments in front of a national audience while getting your honorary Oscar, Kennedy Center Honor, Lifetime Achievement or Employee of the Month at OWN - now that Gayle is abandoning you.

I mean, A: Why the fuck does Oprah get an honorary Oscar? She's been in two movies - and no I am not counting her voice over work in that Black Disney Princess shit!

B: Quit it with the crocodile tears. I mean, really. Leave that to me when I accept my honorary Oscar (read: gagging on a big penis while looking in the mirror).

C: No one is amazed by your accomplishments anymore. Yes we know you was a po' colo'd guhl from Mississippi but now you're like James Cameron and shit. It's no longer that interesting. Okay, yes my mom still subscribes to your magazine but she doesn't read it.

Ugh. Crystal Bridges calls bullshit!

I'm Alice Walton, Bitch!

Conspiracy Theory

Now you know, Dear Readers, that Crystal Bridges love a conspiracy as much as the next classy dame. In fact we just watched Conspiracy Theory starring Ms. Julia Roberts and Mel Gibson. Total typecasting, by the way. Anyway, in our search for the truth we keep coming across this: According to Bob Ortega, in his new book In Sam We Trust, Alice Walton has had an unpleasant history with cars. In 1983, during a family holiday in Mexico, Alice rented a jeep and "somehow, she lost control on a curve and plunged into a ravine, shattering one leg." Again in 1989, "speeding down the highway in her 1987 Porsche on her way from the farm to work, Alice Walton slammed into a woman trying to cross the road, killing her instantly. Oleta Hardin was killed, a 50 year old mother of two . Although Walton had been ticketed twice in the previous year, and had been speeding when she hit Hardin, local police decided not to file any charges against Alice.

Now, Dear Readers, we can't find this from any 'legitimate' news source but it's all over the Internets. I've searched hi and low (read: on Google and The NY Times) and have come up dry - keep the personal lubricant jokes to yourselves, perverts.

Is Alice Walton a drunk killer or do people have it out for America's 3rd richest lady? Has Oprah planted this story? And who is Oleta Hardin?

These are all questions we plan to get into it... on this, our new investigative reporting show, The InterReportere:

The InterReportere: Bringing you hard facts, soft truths and tumescence.

Alice's Wonderland Indeed!

Let's start here...

Now you know, Dear Readers, that Crystal Bridges enjoys the company of a bottle or two of red each night, not to mention a night cap, some downers and two Melatonin just to keep it herbal so no judgement. But what I don't understand is why the uber-wealthy never hire a driver. I mean, I have the know how, even after a dozen or so drinks to get in a cab or at least go on Grindr and find the nearest person who will let me come over. Now admittedly it is not Crystal Bridges best moment when she passes out halfway through slobbing the knob of some hairy fatty but we all have our bad moments.

Like this one:

Police officers testified in court that at the scene of her car accident, Walton said “Do you know who I am?” and also refused then to consent to a blood-alcohol test, according to the Associated Press.

Listen Alice, we've been there many times: Do you know who I am? I'm Crystal Bridges bitches!

I'm Transitioning

Back to my true self. Now, Dear Readers, I know that I've struggled with keeping The Interlopere's identity under lock and key but I just had to reveal myself when I heard the devastating news about the Wal*Mart Museum (C). We are going to dedicate all day to the uncovering of the secrets of this catastrophe! We've got a crack team now down there in Arkansas or Alabama or Mississippi or wherever that Crystal... No wait. I am Crystal Bridges. What a relief! It's like I can finally live my life out of the shadows.

I know Jenny is from the Block or whatever but Ms. Gloria Estefan got her shit all Elian Gonzalez over here from Cuba.

Anyway, back to Crystal... no, to save from confusion we are going to call that Wal*Mart Museum (C) Virginia Slims. Because I have always been and always will be Crystal Bridges.

Now Dear Readers you may think it convenient that I come out at this time, like an accuser of Herman McCain, but it is not for the extra Google searches, the mistaken FaceBook identities or the free Warhols or Johns (Jaspers pigs!) that will get shipped to me because of this identity hoo-hah. It is because I could no longer live my life in the closet. I was given this name by my gay mother, Alexis Cristal Remy Martin many years ago. It is a combination of the great Crystal Carrington and Alicia Bridges. I love the nightlife. I got to boogie. On the disco round and round and round. This is how the REAL Crystal Bridges was born. Many years ago in a trailer park in upstate New York while extinguishing mom's cigarettes because she was too drunk or too lazy or just too despondent.

We are going to break this Crystal, er, Virginia Slims wide open! Stay tuned!

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Name Change

On FACEBOOK. We're going to try and change our name all over this town... stay tuned!

Don't be a hater.


Crystal Bridges

Friday, November 11, 2011

Oprah Must Have Clicked Her Thighs Together Thrice...

Because there is no way GAY-le King got this job on here OWN. Now, admittedly it is CBS so it's easier to get a show there than say HGTV or TNT, but still GAY-le has not had to get a job on her own for a very long time.

And Charlie Rose? Aren't you supposed to be personable to host one of these things? Like Bryant Gumbel or Kathie Lee & Hoda? Also, Charlie Rose is going to have to follow the Cousin Cindy method of drinking from this stage forward because those hard nights of taking a nib here and a nib there in between interviewing David Bowie ain't gonna work on The Early Show.

Cousin Cindy: Yeah, I drink... you know I get up about 4 or 5 to walk the dogs and then I go to the bar around 8 or 9, have 10 or 12 Bloody Marys and then stop off and get a case of beer and I'll drink that until you know, Survivor comes on - oh! Your Uncle Tim got me hooked on that goddamn show! - and then you know... take a little toke here and there... but I don't get drunk really.

The Interlopere:

Markets Bounce Back Like A Stripper Tits At Berlusconi's House!

Shocking no one the stepping down of two tools in Europe, Silvio Berlusconi and George Papadopoulos, made the markets rise like Madonna's eyebrows after she's had her "treatments".

Hopefully this stock market will make The Interlopere's 401K go through the roof so she can take an early retirement at 30. It's hard for us to work in these conditions!

I Just Had to Change My Crotchless Leather Thongs

I don't know about you, but The Interlopere gets very excited when she sees a thing of beauty - this is allegedly why she pops a chub every time she passes a mirror - and this man's arms are no different.

I mean, I know Penn State is having issues these days but if this is what their athletic program is producing I'm ready to join the cheerleading squad. And by cheerleading squad I mean party bottom that gets passed around like a good Brie cheese at my house after a heavy night of drinking! Ow!!!

Berlusconi Pepperoni!

Italy Senate passes budget, Berlusconi end nigh

Soon gone will be the days of underage 'actresses', models being appointed to the Senate and wild sex parties in Vatican City - I'm kidding! Berlusconi takes one look at that gilded palace and scoffs: What-a? You-a want-a me-a to go-a there-a? That-a is-a the size-a of-a my-a garage-a! All while performing cunalingus on an Italian beauty who is making a drip espresso for him: Do-a you want-a that-a short-a or tall-a?

Grandma Louise is rolling over in her...

BED! Bitch ain't dead yet mofos! And at this rate she's going to outlive us all!!!

Viva Italiano! Viva Grandma Louise-A! Viva A Slice o' Pizza! No seriously bring me some pizza!

Speaking of Joe Pa

Now Dear Readers... you know it's RARE that The Interlopere talks sports unless it's water sports but she simply must weigh in on this latest scandal that has shaken The Nittany Lion to its core. We haven't seen a lion shake this much since Matthew Broderick as Simba watched Pumbaa and Timone rim each other in The Mighty Jungle OW!

Okay - here's what we know: Jerry Sandusky is charged with being a creep and two other people are charged with perjury or some shit. And let me just say this now... this is all alleged. The Interlopere does not need another lawsuit on her hands! She can barely afford her crotchless leather thongs as it is! Here's the full deets researched by the NY Times, a somewhat reputable news source that we sometime steal from... Burning Down My Master's House by Jayson Blair anyone?

Jopa! was told about some anal action going on in the locker room by a grad assistant and "redirected him" rather than calling the Po Po.

This was in 2002. People now believe that Papa Joe knew about the rapes of little boys for a very long time and just hid it under the rug (read: Grandma Moore's weird knees. See: blog post, previous).

This all reminds me of the Grand Poobah of Catholicism, Ladies and Gentleman Ms. Holy Father Herself, Pope Benedict XVI!

Also, they look a little bit alike, right? Coincidence... or Time Life Books?

The Twit's Tweets

Here's what Mr. The Kutch wrote the other day - and then subsequently immediately took it down:

“How do you fire Jo Pa? #insult #noclass as a hawkeye fan I find it in poor taste”

Now Mr. The Kutch says that he was unaware of the scandal involving the alleged rape of young boys by one of the assistant coaches. Hmmmm... I call bullshit.

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B: Mr. The Kutch is so linked in - way more connected than most that he even guest edited Details talking about social media, used the word 'bifurcated' and basically just shat all over the page espousing how connected he is:

Now he's backtracking and being all duh, i'm sorry, duh, i'm just a stupid actor.

He's so scared he's probably crawling back to hide in the folds of Grandma Moore's knees... I'm just saying they're weird looking:

The Fagademy Awards!,0,5410457.story

"Bringing Billy back home is a good thing," said Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences president Tom Sherak. "He's funny. He's a comic by trade and he's an iconic Oscar host."

Well, I thinking bringing Billy back home is a safe thing after Franco assholed his way through the telecast last year while Hathaway perked up her nipples with ice from Spago by Wolfgang Puck!

Also, be honest Academy - you wanted Edward Murphy because you thought he would do something outrageous that would cause controversy and drive up ratings. Well, you got your wish. Or OR! is this all a plan by the Academy and is it still being produced by Brett Fatner? And this is how we get ratings these days? Are they all being paid off to drum up a little publicity a few months before the telecast? I mean, you can't pay for this kind of buzz.

And really, so Mr. Fatner said that rehearsal is for fags. I mean, hello-y! Aren't we the inventors of musical theatre? The home of rehearsals?! Or maybe he was talking about Matthew Broderick and his long history in musical theatre and how all he would do is bitch, bitch, bitch about no rehearsals.

Coincidence... or Time Life Books

Dear Readers -

Riddle me this. The Interlopere goes upstate (or did she?) and the proverbial shit hits the fan. Gone in 2 days: Brett Fatner, Grandpa Edward Murphy, Joe Papa, Silvio Berlusconi, The Greek Guy Who People Were Praying Would Go Away Anyway, The President of Penn State (who cares?) and Ashton Kutch's Tweets.

In the next few hours, days and weeks we'll be dissecting, bifurcating, masticating and spitting it all back out at you!

Don't worry - oh! And if there's something you want us to report on - call it in on our new hotline: Foursquare!

And finally, Happy Veterans' Day!

Still Life

Dear Readers -

There is so so so much for The Interlopere to report on today. We consider ourselves the Joan Didion of blogging. Dry, sensible reportage.

But first, on a lighter note, let's start today with a gorgeous still life: Paco With Lube.

Good Morning indeed!

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

This is definitely So Pierre!

“I have never acted inappropriately with anyone. Period.”

Oh come off of it Mr. McCain! Surely you have acted inappropriately at some point with someone? Right? I mean who the h-e-double hockey sticks are you? Me? I don't think so.

I'm pretty sure Morgan Freeman has been to a tea party. He's a rich person. And all rich people go to the Four Seasons. It's a fact. I was there once and I'm not even a rich person... on the outside.

It's all a little too Pierre for me!

Monday, November 7, 2011

Am I The Only One - Melissa Etheridge

Am I the only one who thinks this shit is racist: Ahmir "Questlove" Thompson and Tarik (tah-REEK') "Black Thought" Trotter formed The Roots in 1987 after meeting at Philadelphia's High School for Creative and Performing Arts. They are the house band for "Late Night with Jimmy Fallon" on NBC.

The fact that the Associated Press via the NY Times has to put a pronunciation for Tarik??? It's really that unusual of a name? How else would you pronounce it?

This feels a little Pierre to me.

I'm not afraid of the black man running - Sufjan Stevens

The problem is particularly acute among Hispanics and African-Americans. Several studies have found that only about 50% of black and Hispanic students graduate from high school, compared with 75% of white students.

How in the shittin' shit is this bullshit still possible? What the mother shittin' are we doing wrong? Or - here is The Interlopere's theory Dear Readers... what are many people doing w(r)Hite to keep my brothers of color down?

That is So Pierre!

The Interlopere: Asking the questions that are necessary for barrier free living.

Herman McCain... you got some 'splaining to do!

Hmmmm. Okay. It seems like he might be a little grabby in the derriere area, if you know what I mean Dear Readers (do you know what I mean Dear Readers?).

The woman reportedly making the accusations will hold a press conference with her attorney Gloria Allred on Monday.

Gloria Allred. Now as you all know I am 100% FEMINIST. Through and through - DIVA! But Gloria Allred? She's like Johnny Cochran (RIP) but white and a lady. Meaning that she's a bit of a show pony and I don't really think people in the legal community take her seriously... right? Also, it feels like what she does is hold press conferences. When is the last time Ms. Allred was actually in a court room?

The Interlopere: Asking the questions that deserved to be asked.

We just doin' some churren' rearin'

Now listen Dear Readers I think all those little sons-of-bitchin' kids that you have should be punished. Withhold their organic greens, cancel those Mommy and Me classes and NO! You Little Bastard YOU CAN'T HAVE THE EWOK VILLAGE FOR CHRISTMAS! That one still hurts.

But this seems extreme. These Pearls seem like real God-fearing Christians (read: racist homophobic scary creeps) but their methods are a little bananas.

The methods, seen as common sense by some grateful parents and as horrific by others, are modeled, Mr. Pearl is fond of saying, on “the same principles the Amish use to train their stubborn mules.”

Absolutely! Can I get an AMEN?!

What the mother effin' shit is wrong with people? If I've said it once, I've said it one thousand times: ABORTIONS.

That's So Pierre!

I have a new idea for a brilliant TV show and it's called That's So Pierre! It's about the (mis)adventures of a three-legged cat named Pierre.

Things that are So Pierre:

Pooping your pants as an adult

Going on vacation in Mexico and only speaking Cantonese

Driving a rental car on the wrong side of the road

Getting drunk on rubbing alcohol

Having sex with a prostitute and forgetting to pay

Using your IPad as a Maxi Pad

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Sunday Funday

Just because.

We still love you You Saucy Minx.

Reverend Retard

Admittedly I have skimmed this article. Because it's all bullshit. Listen Rev. Russell... The Interlopere - also a Reverend and she is one nasty bitch!

I have hesitated to talk about this Kim Divorce Thing because I know nothing about it, and quite frankly don't want to. But what I do know is that her divorce or any divorce for that matter does not make the case for Bob & Bob or Laquisha & Wu to get married. What queers don't divorce?

Nigga, please.

Get off your high horse Sue. Using a Z-list celebretard to make your case to repeal DOMA. You a dumb ass.

And If by 'Risks' You Mean Big Paychecks...

Let me tell you about risks. It's called Aunt Shannon bringing her 'friend' home to Grandma Betty for the first time:

Aunt Shannon: Mom, this is Jody... my girlfriend.

Grandma Betty: She looks like Paul McCartney.

Risks is devoutly Catholic Grandma Louise yelling at my uncle's estranged girlfriend:

Estranged Girlfriend: Louise, your son got me pregnant.

Grandma Louise: Well then have an abortion!

Leonardo DiCraprio making a movie where he has to kiss Arm & Hammer on the lips while wearing a frock from the Dress Barn Outlet because he gained some weight eating too many cupcakes all the while making many millions of dollars and is a guarantee for an Oscar nomination... not risky.

Risky is Salma Hayek whipping out her titties in sub-Saharan Africa to feed the children. And making Puss 'n' Boots 3D. Girlfriend - you are set for life. Don't make shitty movies.

Risk is me writing this scathing blog post... I'll Never Eat Lunch in This Town Again!