Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Save Vern Troyer NOW!

"Rep. Trent Franks (R-Ariz) said the current debate is about whether the federal government's role "to fund a practice that continues to take the lives of over 1 million little Americans every year."'
Please, find it in your hearts to save all of the Little People this year. We should not be killing them simply because they are vertically challenged. Little Americans, Big Americans, Skinny and Fat Americans all deserve the same opportunities. So please, find it in your hearts to give to The Interlopere. We are working on behalf of all Little Americans across the globe.
Okay, but seriously Dear Readers. This shit is some fucked up, well, shit. Let's go through some of the key points that these Republicans are trying to pass in the House (and yes I know this isn't going to go anywhere but it's still mother fucking outrageous!).
Let's start with the title of one of the bills. The "No Taxpayer Funding for Abortion Act". Awesome. I'll support this shit because with the money I save from the "No Taxpayer for Fucking Dumb Senseless War Act" I'll get all of my friends, enemies, crack whores and sluts abortions with my extra savings. Hell, I'll even do it through my pre-tax flexible spending account at my job. Oh wait...
This bill "would forbid women who use a flexible spending plan to use pre-tax dollars for abortions." Hmmm... well, that's okay, right? Because the money that could have been spent - the individuals, hard-earned, personal money - well, maybe we can just take that and get every heterosexual asshole fuck who is proposing this shit (and all of their followers) vasectomies so that their demon seed isn't spread anyway. FUCK YOU!
But really. I mean, we can live with all of this... can't we? Are we not men? Oops. Wait. Some of us are not men. Well, okay... um, guess it sucks to be you with a womb!
That bill, that gorgeous, sprawling bill is sponsored by Rep. Christopher H. Smith (R. NJ) - insert your own New Jersey joke here - and "narrows the definition of rape to "forcible rape".' I mean, that seems fair right. I can't tell you the number of rape victims I know where it has not been forced. I mean what women - or man - for that matter doesn't want to raped every now and then?
Susie: Hey Girl! How was your weekend?
Tanisha: Damn Susie it was okay. Got myself raped!
Tanisha and Susie high five

Susie: Girl, you so lucky! I haven't been raped in years honey... got my abortion when I could.
Tanisha: And you know what... wasn't even forcible... shit was just coerced.
Susie: Shiiiit. Tanisha. You got all the luck. Next thing you know you gonna be pregnant and get yourself a rape baby. Then you're going be coming to me and telling me you got AIDS.
Tanisha: MMM. hmmm.... don't front Susie.
Can you imagine how many women in this country will sing the praises of such legislation and language! OH, we will all be marching in the streets! GLORIOUS! HALLELUJAH! PRAISE BE TO WHITE MEN!
Oh, I found this stupid definition on (but don't trust this shit because you know how lefty and unreliable Dictionaries, read: Obama Socialism Health Care Death Panels can be.
Rape: Any act of sexual intercourse that is forced upon a person.
I mean, get Bill Clinton as your lawyer because that son of a bitch will fuck "act" and "is" up beyond recognition! Let's just hope he doesn't get it pregnant because soon you're going to have to carry that shit around with you.
Another fun provision would be that "the bill would also permit hospitals to refuse abortions to women, even in emergency situations, if such care would offend the conscience of the health care providers." And who can really argue with this? I mean, we don't want our doctors and nurses to do anything that would offend them...
Shit, that baby born with HIV to a drug-addled mom? Double offense! You're on your own lady!
Hey you, Alzheimer patient! My concsience is offended that you can't remember my name and you keep on shitting the bed! I'm outta here!
Cancer? I'm offended you smoked mother fucker! Good luck! Intubate this asshole!
Michelle Bachmann's (R - Minn) PAC and chair of the House Tea Party caucus sent an email this week saying that "53 million lives have been snuffed out at abortion clinics around our nation since 1973". Coincidentally this is the year my sister was born... hmmmmm?
I don't get the Tea Party. Aren't they for less government. Are they almost Libertarians? Don't they want to stay out of my private life? I'm confused Dear Readers. I guess I'll go get unforcibly raped. And then I won't abort it. That's sure to clear things up.

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