Friday, April 15, 2011

I'm Not Kidding!

I know I've offered contests before Dear Readers on The Interlopere but this time I'm serious! The first person to get me Gwynnie's cookbook will get a free rub of lotion on his/her taint. (See previous post).

Here's the review from The Atlantic, who coincidentally just sent me a renewal notice. Little do they know - apparently - that I already renewed at the preferred members rate of $5 for one year. This offer was $24.95... I said "ATLANTIC DO YOU NOT KNOW I AM A PREFERRED MEMBER?!" (Done in my best Jesse Jackson voice - talk about a preferred member?! ba-dah-bump!)

"By a conservative estimate, it would take a cooking novice $450 and five days' shipping time to acquire the "essential" ingredients of Gwyneth Paltrow's pantry. It would cost an additional $1300 to upgrade a standard kitchen to one with all her "essential tools," such as earthenware bowls, butcher block countertops, Global knives, a Vitamix blender, and a Le Creuset Dutch oven. That's before you get anywhere near the organic duck." It seems outrageous that this reviewer things these things ARE NOT necessities. David loves a Dutch Oven and so do I quite frankly. We play this game every night before bed and right after I rub ointment on his taint - I Can't Stop! (Jesse Jackson voice again!)

"One evening when I had my wood-burning stove going I realized I hadn't thought of dessert." I'm sure this was taken out of context, right? And if not, it's really hard to think of dessert when your organic duck bacon is potentially burning because your personal chef had to pull double duty because only one of the nannies could show up and Christy Turlington Burns and Kate Capshaw are demanding their Braggs-soaked, grass-fed, hand watered, Kosher for Passover, organic, local, slow Trout Almondine. Come on people! Can we not sympathize?

"We're left with celebrity chef Mario Batali's instructions in the forward: "The best way to truly understand this book? Take the Perfect Roasted Chinese Duck recipe (page 179) and follow the careful instructions to the T. Eat it with some people you love." ' Dear Readers - did I ever tell you I met Monsieur Batali and asked him about Gwynnie... He was covered in powdered sugar and said "More food for me" - no lie (okay, totally taken out of context). Anyway, after I met him someone told me he has a penis shaped like a fingerling potato. YUMMY.

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