Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Maybe Seitan Made Them Do It?

A: Who reads Veg News? B: Why does anything vegan have to be so fucking cutesy... Veg News. How about you suck my vagina, Vag News!?

So here's the "scandal" that has enraged vegans from coast to coast. They're protesting by not wearing any deodorant... oh wait. Nevermind. They are pissed!

Apparently Veg News - just the name makes me want to shove bacon in my ass (not on Passover The Interlopere!). Okay so Veg News (ugh.) used stock photos. That they then photoshopped the meat out of them. For a seitan rib they used actual pork ribs but photoshopped the bones out of it so that they resembled seitan?

I'm confused Dear Readers. I mean, why use fucking seitan at all? If you're not going to eat meat then don't. But instead you make some bullshit wheat meat (that will block the fuck out of your joints and give you Candida in the time it takes me to drink bacon juice cooked in lard) to taste like meat? I'm confused still. Why not just make some brussel sprouts (are they Belgian?) and sprinkle some cayenne on them and call it spicy sprouts?! Steven Sprouts!? Spicy Steven Sprouts? RIP STEVEN.

I was vegan once, when I was unemployed. With two friends. We lived off of vegan cheesesteaks, my unemployment checks, weed, beer and Sex and the City Seasons 1 -3 on VHS from the Philadelphia Public Library. We also slept outside, on the floor of the living room and had really bad gas.

One time around this period I found a Viagra on the floor of a used bookstore and took it and had an erection for days. I also thought I was pissing myself every five seconds. Good times.


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