Wednesday, August 31, 2011

But what if you really are too pretty?

Dear Readers - and I know I have many a mother or two out there, literally, does this t-shirt offend you?

No, not the fact that it's from J.C. Penney but really. It's not like it reads "While being fucked in the ass the dog ate my homework. Oops!" Sure it's stupid and preparing our daughters to become Real Housewives but so is letting them listen to Britney Spears and watch Glee. Maybe if all of our little girls listened to Tyler the Creator we wouldn't have these stupid problems.

"Wow." I mean, Rebecca Dube sounds like a dumb girl. Wow, like, just great... writing. Ann Curry is in a tizzy!

Isn't it always just "horse play"?

The number of times I've heard this before Dad would take off his belt, pull down my pants, erotically splay me over his knee and hit me. Horse play indeed! Giddy up!

But seriously Dear Readers - who doesn't love to play 'toss-the-kid-overboard' every now and then. Maybe they were watching Overboard starrings Ms. Oldie Hawn and felt inspired?

"...they got into an argument and Briles threatened to toss the boy into the water if he didn't stop crying."

I think that's only fair right? My mother would say things like "if you don't stop your crying right now I'm going to pull your pants down in front of everyone and Phil's Chicken House and spank your little ass." And then I still wouldn't get to choose a toy from the trunk! Is there no justice in this world?

Tyler the Creator vs. Tegan and Sara vs. GLAAD

Have you heard about this controversy? Nope? Oh dear Jesus it's boring.

Didn't we have this already and it was called Eminem. Let's just roll Sir Elton out on stage with him and make it all better. I mean, really. So the kid says faggot 213 times. I think there's a lesbian in Odd Future - doesn't that make it okay? Also, I'm always confused by these things... I mean, it's called the 1st Amendment people. Why else do we have it? Don't listen to the record. Don't buy it. Don't support him. Just shut it. And you too Tegan and Sara. I'll tell you what's more offensive than this 19 year old boy saying faggot 213 times. It's called Tegan and Sara. That shit sounds like a diva cup being pulled out of my buttocks after being soaked in cat nip and chamomile. Tegan and Sara. Come on! What doesn't offend them? Go to the coop and get your organic greens okay? Leave Tyler the Creator alone. He's just a wittle boy!

And I love him and want to kiss his face all over. I'll get all freaky deaks on his ass! OW!

Sorry, Ms. Jackson

Janet Jackson: I Won't Attend Michael Jackson Tribute Concert

Show 'too difficult' because it coincides with trial of doctor charged in her brother's death

Hmmmm. I'm guessing by "too difficult" she means she's not getting the cut she wants. Or maybe it's because she's fat again... you know, for that movie role they wanted her for. The one where she had to put on all the weight. It was a really hard time for her. She had to sit at home, out of work, no one listening to her music, eating ho-hos and donuts. Watching Why Did I Get Married over and over and over again. (Jermaine Dupri I love you!)

Maybe Tyler Perry is making a new Madea movie but getting tired of playing her and that's why Janet can't make it? Maybe Tyler Perry is just a big ol' homosexual. Maybe?

Hathaway Go Away!

A: Normally I love everyone. I really do. But there's something about Hathaway that just makes me want to crawl up inside of my own nutsack. Fo' reals. I liked the wedding movie enough - okay I really liked it, owned it on DVD and watched it multiple times crying with some chamomile tea spiked with gin, vodka or whatever we had lying around. But now I'm so sick of her. Maybe it was the Oscars. It's definitely that movie with Gyllenhaal where she was flopping her tits around all the time and had some fakey disease that made her angry and bitter and twitch very occassionally.

Also, speaking of her breasts - she must have it in her contract to show them at any moment. She can't not show them! If she shows them any more they should get their own billing. Above her name:

Anne Hathaway's Breasts

Anne Hathaway

3D The Movie

What is her rider like? No green M&Ms, all white linens, two silk pillows for Ms. Hathaway's breasts in between takes, Udder Cream.

Remember when she dated that weird con man? Who is Hathaway? What is she really about? Inquiring minds want to know. I don't buy her Disney princess bullshit and I'm sick of seeing her tits. Now Dame Helen Mirren is another story.

Here's Peter Travers' review of One Day. And she must have done something to piss him off (not showing her tits?) for him not to like it. He basically gives 3 stars to everything unless it's something with Will Ferrel, Jonah Hill or Seth Rogen which automatically gets 4. I do love the first line "This tear-jerking twaddle" which again could be a reference to Hathaway's breasts.

The Debt

Any movie where Dame Helen Mirren plays a Mossad operative is A-Ok with me. Also, I need to see more of Jessica Chastain to see what she's about. Tree of Life was too something to let me focus on her - okay, too confusing and The Help was just too bad and come-on-do-we-really-need-the-skinny-white-girl-to-save-awl-da-po-color'd-guhls-again-my-lawd! Ugh. But she was great in that even though I have no idea what the shit was going on with her? Was she ill? Did she think she was Marilyn Monroe? Was she Marilyn Monroe?

I also love Sam Worthington and any chance to see him outside of his blue suit/green screen star turn in Avatar! is a time to stay up late or get up early.

This is what I'm doing tonight dear readers! See you at the movies!

Saturday, August 27, 2011

I'm Back! Again!


I mean... come on already. Is there a hurricane or what? I've had to shake down every Chinaman in this city to get a fucking flashlight. I'm prepared.

I'm in the zone. Zone C. I've put tape on my windows (okay just one), have a stockpile of booze and am going to KMart to get a board game. Bored game.

Oy what the shit am I supposed to do in an apartment without my Roseanne on Netflix on demand?

Also, speaking of Netflix: Fuck you for raising your mother fucking prices.

It's been too long dear readers.