Friday, September 2, 2011
Pope-A Don't Preach
VATICAN CITY (RNS) The Vatican took a swipe at new sex education classes in New York City Schools on Wednesday (Aug. 31), saying teaching middle school students how to use a condom is "useless, and even harmful."
While it's hard to argue the uselessness of teaching middle schoolers about condom use - unless of course you are teaching them how to masturbate into one and then throw it under your older sister's bed so that your mother can recognize her for the whore she really is I take aim at it being harmful. What can be destructive about teaching some pre-pubescent t(w)eens about condoms? Oh, maybe the Vatican thinks that kids are going to snap them at each other during health class and hit someone in the eye? Or maybe the Vatican things that all of that lube might not be good for the bananas and that kids could be slipping and falling all over New York City? Or maybe the Vatican is just run by a former Slytherin who looks like a former Nazi youth. (Okay, POP QUIZ Dear Readers - one of those things is true...) It just makes the Vatican sound like a really bitter virgin. Oh wait...
From NYC.gov: Among the report’s findings are that the vast majority (87%) of the more than 20,000 teen pregnancies that occur annually in NYC are unintended (Table 3.1), and that teen pregnancy rates significantly vary by neighborhood socioeconomic status (Tables 1.4-1.6). Teens in high-poverty neighborhoods are three times more likely to become pregnant than teens in low-poverty neighborhoods. Disparities in teen pregnancy rates between black and Hispanic teens─most of whom live in high-poverty areas─and white teens are persistent and show no signs of narrowing. http://www.nyc.gov/html/doh/html/ms/ms-nyctp-97-07.shtml
THE HELL YOU SAY! This all seems right to me. 20,000 fucking thousand teen pregnancies Lord Vatican Voldemort. Suck my balls you asshole. This also means that 2,600 teens are planning their pregnancies. This would seem to be a real boon for JC Penney and their new "Girls Are Dumb Whores" collection. Here's a compromise: no condom teaching for Medicaid paid abortions? No, you Prada-wearing-Grandma-Louise-look-stealing Overlord? What if we teach masturbation instead of condom use? Can I get a Jocelyn Elders UP IN HERE?! ALL GONNA MAKE ME LOSE MY MIND! UP IN HERE! UP IN HERE!