Friday, September 2, 2011

Tyler Perry's House of bin Laden

I'm not exactly sure what's happening in the image above but the caption of the image above is: "Being the elusive character that he was, and after hiding out with his terrorist buddies in Pakistan and Afghanistan, American soldiers finally locate the terrorist leader Osama bin Laden." Now if you ask me this might be a lefty-Democratic children's coloring book because it seems like the use of the word "elusive" is not-so-subtle suggestion that George W. Bush just couldn't do his job for 8 mother fucking years. Right? Can I get an "AMEN!"? HALLELUJER! I mean that bitch couldn't find Laura who was sleeping right next to him (okay in his defense it was because she was so medicated and stiff that he thought she was an extra-firm body pillow). But seriously the above statement is true-ish. Although "terrorist buddies" makes it sound like he and a bunch of Jihadists were sitting around having a circle jerk to Condoleeza Rice porn. Oh wait. No, seriously, wasn't he "hiding out" with his 312 wives and 17, 526 children? It goes on: "Children, the truth is, these terrorist acts were done by freedom-hating radical Islamic Muslim extremists. These crazy people hate the American way of life because we are FREE and our society is FREE." Okay now this is where it gets tricky for me. A: it's weird that the coloring book addresses the children directly. It's creepy. It makes the coloring book come off like that nasty 7th-grade science teacher I had who kept on giving me detentions for not putting a book cover on my book - "Children, the truth is, if you don't cover these books, they're going to get damaged by years end." The author takes a lot of liberties here saying that these people are "crazy" and that they "hate the American way of life". Maybe that's true, but I'm guessing the author isn't a huge fan of my American life: rim jobs, black people, dim sum and foreign films.
You see Dear Readers, that's why things like this make me angry. This fella or lady or group of one-armed-bible-bumping-gun-toting-michelle-bachman-masturbating-to-zealots doesn't like the American way of life. They/he/she/ze/zer like their life. In the country. With Stouffer's Stove Top stuffing come out of the oven when Ma gives me a kiss on my cheek after I just kilt a goat.
These people are offenders of the American way of life too. These people are the divisive assholes that make fun-loving Muslims extremist plane flyers. These people, with their cheap shoes and good bags, are the reason that the Parenthetical Revolution - stay tuned - must happen. These people are the reason that I want to rim the ass of every Latino in the Bronx on the big screen at Yankee Stadium while eating dim sum during a screening of The Bicycle Thief. Eat my shit, you mother fuckers.
"Publisher Wayne Bell told American television that the book does not portray Muslims "in a negative light at all. That is incorrect. This is about 19 terrorist hijackers that came over here under the leadership of a devil worshiper, Osama bin Laden, to murder our people," Bell said. "He [Dawud Walid, executive director of CAIR] calls the book disgusting ... but he should call the people in the book, the 19 terrorists, Osama bin Laden, he should call him disgusting. This is history. It is absolutely factual."
This Wayne Bell sound speciAL. Is he delusional? It sort of does lump Muslims into a one-for-all-kind-of-category, right? I mean, your 6 year old might have a hard time discerning the good hijab-wearers from the bad after coloring (only inside the lines please) the above image. And that brings me to my next point, And I Do Have One - Ellen Degeneres. Do you hang this on the refrigerator? Send it to grandma? Can I bring this book in for show and tell? Can you imagine all of the culture wars that will be born from this book?! Monsieur Bell also calls Osama bin Laden (OBL, WTF!?!) a "devil worshiper". Now I d'nt kno too much 'bout 'slam or nuttin' but I'm purty sure they don' go 'round worsp'n no devil. Mecca lecca hi mecca hiny ho. Knight
It's also being reported that the first run of 10,000 copies has sold out. These copies all went to Sarah and Bristol Palin's children. The Bachmann's are pissed! What's with all of these right-wing sexy ladies having more children than Bin Laden? I get it, you don't want to have an abortion but does that mean you have to reproduce like Grandma Betty circa 1950 after too many Brandy Alexanders?
Other things I can discern from this picture: It looks like Osama Bin Laden was very well read. And that wife #27 really loved him. He also looks eerily like Grandpa Henry when he would dress up as Santa on Christmas Eve after telling us all he had to work at the Post Office because "Santa's mail doesn't get delivered by those goddamned elves."
Finally, If I were a Muslim (**FULL DISCLAIMER: I AM NOT A MUSLIM**) I would mostly be upset because this image is from the wrong coloring book for children. This is apparently what ended up on the cutting room floor from Elian Gonzalez: Janet Reno's Last Attempt at Motherhood: The Children's Coloring Book.

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