Monday, November 21, 2011

Hipster Depression or Depressing Hipster?

Okay okay Dear Readers I'm sure you're bored to death of this topic ad nauseam but as a former hipster, aging hipster, someone who is desperately clinging to his skinny jeans and thrift-store t-shirts from 15 years ago - dear God please let me fit into that LIVE AID t-shirt for just another year! but as I watch the world's most famous other hipster I have many thoughts.

Yes I speak of Ryan Gosling - he who can kill puppies with his cuteness. He who is so charming even Ellen found herself cleaning up her Barca lounger after watching Blue Valentine.

So Crystal went to see Drive this weekend, yes by herself, okay and yes a double feature (more on this later... Ellen Barkin!) and yes she ate a large popcorn, small nacho, two hot dogs and a large DIET cola (I ain't gettin' no money from you COKE!) all alone but really it was a fun Saturday night. We had a great time.

Anyway, Drive. We liked it. So much that I bought the soundtrack and listened to it while riding my bike to go and get my roots done and -unbeknownst to me - coming out looking like Grandma Betty's bastard daughter. Wait? Okay, too much at this early hour.

But I was left wondering many things.

A: Why does he get away with being this hipster when I believe - and will posit here Dear Readers - that Ryan Gosling, while a hipster, is really more twee than anything else but get's away with it because he's a man. To me, he is the penised equivalent of Zooey Deschanel (*full disclaimer - I have no idea if either of them has a penis as both appear to have very large breasts).

B: He always seems to be playing another actor playing a character. Like, he's playing Brando playing that guy in Blue Valentine or he's playing some kind of suave guy (Burt Reynolds?) playing some kind of suave guy in Crazy, Sexy, Love. Its like when Christian Slater thought that he was the left testicle of Jack Nicholson and couldn't stop raising his eyebrow, looking down, looking up, and then nasally inhaling his cigarette smoke - girl you know it's true. Don't hate!

C: Does he have Aspberger's? He often times seems - and listen, Dear Readers, this is just a figure of speech - borderline retarded. He's always playing with children or dogs or dolls in his movies and while it gives me sexual fantasies that dare not speak his name is this the face of our leading men?

D: I'm jealous. Suck it.

Anyway, I'll continue to listen to the soundtrack and Google 'Ryan Gosling Shirtless' while still hating on him like nobody's business.

ps. That photo above is of, obviously, Ryan Gosling and me - pre-Betty Blonde- as Ryan's fluffer from his new feature, Puppy Dog Eyes I Love Vagina and Women are the Best, starring Ryan Gosling.

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