Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Someone Needs An Enema

Now as you know Dear Readers this is Gorgeous' first time at the big Miami Art Fair - previous years I've spent sunning myself in St. Tropez, wanting to be as far away from this craziness as possible. But then Gorgeous got right and said: You know what world? I want to be in the heart of it all - no, not the Milford Plaza, but Art Basel Miami Beach. Now Mr. Lindemann's Chocolates seems to not be having any fun anymore. Clearly he's had too much fun in the past and is still angry about losing out on that piece everyone wanted a few years back... you know the one, right Dear Readers?

Here are some gems from his article:

It’s high time I start making more studio visits, and visiting more emerging galleries. It’s work but these days that’s the only way to get ahead.

It is work Mr. Lint Man. I mean, you're going to have to call your driver, get in your car and go all the way to GASP Brooklyn or maybe even Queens. You know how those young artists like fringe-y places. It really is the only way to get ahead.

It’s merchandise, it’s eye candy, it’s commercial without enough real content, and, in the end, it’s just plain boring.

Did you just enter the art world Mr. Entenmanns? It's merchandise? And eye candy? The Hell You Say! And the winner of the Stating the Obvious Award 2011 goes to...

Let’s agree to boycott the whole thing; let’s simply not go. Let’s group together and agree not buy a single thing this year in Miami—not a print, not a sculpture, not a multiple, not even a signed poster. Let them sell us nothing this year, and we’ll watch with glee as the whole circus dries up and shrinks right down to the size of a pup tent.

You're an idiot.

If we succeed in stopping them now, we can then enforce some new rules in this game. First and foremost, art fairs should be for collectors only; if you’re not coming to buy art, get the hell out. Second, gallery dinners only, preferably with a few artists and curators sprinkled in to keep it kosher.

Is this so, Mr. Lintman, you don't have to slum it with non- collectors? I agree! Ugh, all of those poor people. They disgust me. How dare they get to go to the Shopping Mall of Art and hang out with rich people! Let them eat cake! Make them hang posters!

Third, those “hard to get” early-entrance VIP cards can go only to real collectors who are invited by the galleries.

I agree. Because if I have to see Gwynnie and the Jigga walking around talking about her recording career when I am trying to seriously buy some serious art I am going to scream! Get out of my art fairs trash!

Occupy Art Basel Miami Beach is a new movement designed to correct the ills of global art fairdom once and for all, and to send the dealers, the artists and especially the art-fair companies our message of protest: hell no, we won’t go!

Let's not go to art fairs. Let's not go anywhere except our private residences where we can see our private collections of art. And let's make the help look down when they pass our masterpieces. Or better yet, Gorgeous is hiring an art coverer just to cover the work when the Plebes are cleaning/cooking/delivering in my penthouse, guesthouse, beach house and private jet.

Dear Mr. Rin Tin Lindemann: you should go with your fancy wife, your fancy life and build your own country where only art collectors can go - the serious ones - and not let the trash in. Because Gorgeous will be first in line to get one of those tickets. It's really Art World Eugenics. Let's bring it!

I also LOVE how you have co-opted the Occupy label for rich people. Why didn't Gorgeous think of this first. I commend your aplomb!

and if these people don’t fix their fair, next year we’ll riot, we’ll scream bloody murder and throw rotten tomatoes if we have to. The buck stops here, so join me in staying home, and in saving our money for good art that’s properly exhibited.

I mean, let's be real. I'm not going to throw rotten tomatoes but I'll hire a French speaker to do it for me. All of my help must speak French! And not the Haitian kind.



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