Saturday, November 19, 2011


So yes Dear Readers, Crystal Bridges was first on line for the premier of Twilight: Bella Gets Fucked. She braved the crowds, fought the ladies with their good bags and their cheap shoes and took her place, front and center to bring you the whole scoop on the new Twilight movie. And let me tell you... it was mediocre, like all the others, but that's not the point. The point is that we were part of something; the point is that people clap when the title comes on the screen; that people clap when the werewolf boy takes off his shirt - not unlike Crystal Bridges; that when Edward and Bella (*spoiler alert*) get married, people said awwwwwwww.

Which brings me to my point. This is a movie for middle-aged women and blatant homosexuals, not tween girls as previously thought. But these middle-aged women (read: 30 year olds) are a rare, annoying breed. They're the ladies that are angry that there probably won't be a Sex & The City 3; these are the ladies who want so desperately to be married that they're at the first day, waiting on line, for Twilight. But these are also the ladies that can't own their love for such a low-brow phenomenon; that when they were reading the book on the subway (pre-Kindle) they hid it behind their Cosmo or Glamor or dare I say Marie Claire?!

Now, why be embarrassed? Crystal Bridges is secure enough in her manhood to be standing up shaking her cha-chas at the mere mention of Jacob taking off his shirt of wait! is that a glimpse of Edward's lower back? Swoon!

There were so many annoying women around me who could not stop laughing at any of the blatant, mildly titilating content. Yet that's what it's there for. And it wasn't cat calling (that was me, sorry: Show me your tits Jacob!) but it was embarrassment that as a young-ish New York City gal you had to be sitting here squeezed between your fat-she's-never-going-to-get-married-friend and the lonely gay on a Friday night (not me! Crystal Bridges is anything but lonely! Or is she?).

I mean, Carrie Bradshaw never had to lower her standards to this?!

But seriously ladies, have fun. It is fun, it's meant to be fun. Well, okay, it's actually meant to be a weird Christian-bullshit-propaganda piece but it's got hot young people with nubile flesh.

On another note, Bella Swan may be the most anti-feminist character ever created and while Kristen Stewart pouts her hardest to make her a likable gal, she just comes off as a dumb girl waiting for a man to save her. Jane Eyre she is not. Oh wait, like the audience I saw it with.

The Interlopere: Don't Shoot the Messenger.

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