Friday, February 24, 2012

Speaking of Pussy

Now I know you're all wondering, Dear Readers, where has Crystal been? Well, she's been down in Virginia getting her pussy examined for her future abortions. More on that later. But seriously I was talking to my homegirl Joanne yesterday and we decided this: Sisters have got to do it for themselves. Ain't no one gonna do it for you.

But anyway, while I was sunning my hoo-haw in VA a lot of shit has happened. Like #1 it's 1973 again, decades before Crystal was born, but we have some loony toonies talking about my vagina and her vagina and aspirins in knees and infanticide and whoa!!! Someone pass me the good stuff because if this is a time warp I want to reap the benefits? Right Jimmy? You with me Janice?!

But seriously... you know Crystal is a big fan of abortions. More abortions government funded. Period. But now we got this Holy Coven of Crazies up there telling all the ladies that they know what's best for my pussy. First we have this birth control debacle where - speaking of pussy - President Obama has said that insurers, even those associated with religious institutions, would have to pay for birth control. The INSURERS. NOT the institutions. So of course you get every wing nut with two teeth left and a second grade vocabulary (and Rick Santorum carrying around his dead fetus child) saying that Obama hates religion is Muslim loves Satan and fucks small dead children while officiating gay weddings. YES JESUS!!!! And what does Obama do?

"Sorry guys." Enter John Boner crying and Mick Jagger passes him the microphone so he can sing about his Sweet Home Chicago? You know what Obama? You better grow a pair so that your scared "I'll have unilateral talks with Iran" ass doesn't get sent back to Chicago. HILLARY 2012!!!! I'm tired of this shit already. Michelle better take those arms and make Obama the power bottom we know he is and fist the sense into him! Stand up brother!

Okay so there's that. Ugh. And then there's this bullshit about having to examine my VAGINE before I decide - as an adult - to terminate my pregnancy; to remove the toenail size growth from my uterine lining; to vacuum out something the size of what Pierre throws up just to have Paco eat it. FUCK YOU. Why don't all of the doctors and scientists stand up and say NO. Take out a fucking full page ad in every national newspaper (not counting USA Today - that shit lines The BirdCage starring Mr. Robin Williams and Mr. Nathan Lane) and say FUCK OFF. We're not going to do it. Here's the text:

FUCK OFF. As a nation of abortion providers we are dedicated to giving women then highest quality health care where there dignity is maintained throughout ANY procedure, including but not limited to abortions. We will not force them into some sentimental 3-D schlock fest about how their fetus will grow up to be a Great American. Most likely it will grow up to be a sociopath, somewhere on the autism spectrum that needs Ritalin from day one just to concentrate on Sesame Street. So let us do you a favor now...

Sincerely,

Doctors and Scientists.

Don't have fucking Clooney or Yoko Ono sign this shit because you know nothing tickles O'Reilly's testes like getting lefty celebs on a cause. Let's be serious about this folks.

And speaking of being serious. I can compromise. Crystal loves to compromise. So if you insist on having my pussy inspected before I decide to have an abortion fine. But the trade off is this - while you're in my pussy, acting all Avatar and shit to show me the dot matrix image inject the peanut with the good stuff and scrape it out. Two for the price of one.

I met a woman at a party recently and she told me she had a daughter. Crystal said "that's nice" not really wanting to talk about kids because nothing makes Crystal feel her 26 years more than baby talk. But then she said this:

I only had the kid because I had had too many abortions.

And that's how it should be. Get off of my clit. Vagina Dentata NOW!

1 comment:

  1. oh, Crystal, my vagina appreciates your passion . . .

    ReplyDelete