Wednesday, March 21, 2012

A Must Read and ReTweet and RePost By Crystal Bridges

I know Crystal has been away from The Interlopere because quite frankly she can't stop tickling her Twitter but there is so much bullshit going on it's going to take me a lot longer than 140 characters to spew my rage.

Let's start with Tyler Clementi. He killed himself after being videotaped making out shirtless with another man. This videotape was broadcast to some other students at Rutgers by Dhuran Ravi. First of all everyone from The New York Times to The Brian Lehrer Show to The View is repeatedly outing Clementi from the grave. Partially because we have such a narrow view of sexuality in this country and partially because they want to prove how bad it is to beat up on poor unsuspecting homos. Let me give you all a little lesson in Queer: Because one makes out with a man sans shirt does not make him a Homosexual Officiel. It makes him horny? or curious? or bored or maybe gay? Maybe he was bisexual. I've made out with trannies, lesbians, straights, gays, the homeless, whites, blacks and everything in between and I'm not sure I'm any of that. So fuck you and stop outing this kid from the grave. He was an 18-year old trying to figure shit out. Does any media outlet (and I know Barbra Walters doesn't think The View is a news program yet she prides herself on being a journalist??) think that what they're doing is making him die a second death? Isn't the outing of him as an alleged gay one of the causes of his death? And I say 'one of the causes' because what else no one wants to talk about is how there has to be some predisposed mental health issues going on for one to take such an extreme action. Crystal never took her life when someone spray painted "FAGGOT" on her driveway after she was chased for miles on a country road. No, she took solace when mom went down to the Pump 'n' Pantry and found that little bitch who did it and slapped her on the face. Many years of analysis later she is still upset about it but she manages to carry on. I digress...

Part two: Dhuran Ravi. Yes what he did was in poor taste and mean spirited. But is it worth ten years in prison? Must we ruin two young peoples' lives. And now there is talk of deportation. Sweet Jesus America loves to ride her high horse. Crystal last rode a high horse in Portland, Oregon while Aunt Shannon and Cousin Mary were in the wine barn gettin' their drink on. But seriously Dear Readers, wouldn't his time be better spent graduating from college, manning a suicide assistance line and going to therapy? It's not like his life is going to be easy. Even if he can graduate and stay in this country would you hire the guy who made the gay guy jump to his death? Google can be a prison sentence.

Now on to Occupy Wall Street: What the shit? You come out after the six month anniversary. Were you hibernating during the winter? One of the warmest on season certainly can not be to blame for your absence. And please, Sweet Jesus tell me what you are standing for? Or against? Okay I know you're against corporate greed. Great. What are you doing with your money? As of 10/31/11, according to WNYC - read the link bitches - you had nearly half a million dollars. What are you spending it on? Did you invest in the stock market? Were you figuring out what to do with it while wintering in Mexico or Aspen or waiting in line for your new IPads? How about taking that money and going to East Bumblefuck and renting storefronts in every little crevice of a town and talk to the people. Instead of hanging out in urban areas, depressed and pale because you can't get a job even though you have your Master's Degree in Philosophy. WAH WAH WAH. Seriously, organize and get a point and get a manifesto or else we are all going to be sucking on the tit of Mitt Romney come November. And if you need a leader, Crystal's your gal. Oh wait, you don't want a leader right? Ugh.

Now on to France and Trayvon Martin. Oh White People. And Star Jones and once again the media. Let me tell you a little story. Crystal recently got cable television and by cable television I mean I plugged an antenna into the back and boom! I get to watch all of my morning programs. Okay so people are outraged that there's Anti-Semitism in Europe and racism in America. As if World War II happened during the Peloponnesian War and when we talk about slavery we're referencing Ancient Egypt. This shit happened yesterday so why people feign surprise (and I swear to g_d if I hear one more asshole say "But I thought we were post-racial since Obama" I am going to SCREAM! And just let me say this 'post-racial' is a term used by people who don't want to acknowledge the uncomfortable difference amongst us based on our race. WHITE GUILT) I will never know. Seriously Star Jones was on The Today Show with two other yahoos talking about Trayvon Martin in shock. Has she heard of South Florida before? Anyone else remember Broward County? The 2004 election? Disney for Christ's sake! But seriously that segment was about 5 minutes, nothing compared to the coverage they gave - and for some reason Star Jones was there too! - to the Mark Cherry/Nicolette Sheridan Desperate Housewives trial and then of course Ann Curry's borderline-retarded interview with Kirk Cameroon. Who by the way loves all people and doesn't hate gays but just thinks that they're morally deprived termites who eat at the very core that is American Society.

And France. Has anyone ever been to or heard of Europe. The outrage that someone could kill Jews. When did Anti-Semitism go away? Was Crystal gettin' her hair did at the Hair Zoo with Grandma Betty when all of this went down? And thankfully it was a Muslim who did the shooting because The Universal Evil is never anything that we are happy without. This will give the right a chance to espouse how all Muslims are killers and the left to do nothing and feign surprise and "Oh My God how can anyone say such hideous things?!"

And now let's briefly touch on Rush Limbaugh and free speech. He's gross, he's fat, he's a pill-popper, misogynist, etc., etc., etc. But last I checked he's an American and the 1st Amendment is meant to protect exactly this kind of speech. Why does this feel like my freshman essay on censorship? Oh, because it was and Americans are a bunch of 'tards who like to ride their moral high horses (see Oregon, Portland) and feign shock over and over and over again. Where is Oprah when we need her to lead us through such trying times? Oh, she's hugging Bobbi Kristina and screaming at Stedman over the phone - you know they sleep in separate wings! - because OWN can't attract a rating higher than the series finale of Cop Rock . And same goes for Kirk Cameroon. If he wants to say that gays are shit-eatin', cum-drizzlin' disgusting fagoids that spread AIDS and rape babies, let him! I get to say this. You get to say what you believe. We can all be outraged at each other and call it a day. And since were on this subject let me briefly touch base on the cause of Limbaugh's outrage Ms. Sandra Fluke. A lovely, composed and intelligent woman who doesn't seem to want to enter into the nastiness, minus the appearances on Rachel Maddow, The View and too many other media outlets to name. Don't cry to me when you go to Congress and testify on a really heated issue (and let me clarify, it's the media and not Ms. Fluke that seem to be doing most of the crying). You put yourself in the public eye and you make yourself available for comment, regardless of how kind or cruel. This allows me to say things like "Sherri Shepherd is a dumbass who didn't know the Earth was round." " I just got to make a living and support my son, Jeffrey." True story. YouTube it.

And speaking of gays: stop GLITTERBOMBING. It makes us all look stupid. Can there please be a more effective way of organizing rather than faggily throwing glitter while trouncing around like a fairy? Save that for home, or your senior thesis of "performance art" or that festival in Tennessee where everyone dresses like fairies and elves. Oooh. Seriously. How 'bout you take a page out of the chapter of The Black Panters and ORGANIZE. And really, can we ask for more than gay marriage. I am so fucking tired of gay marriage. Remember that little line in that little book (or movie for those of you who don't read more than my Tweets) Revolutionary Road: We're Just Like Everyone Else. This used to be a bad thing. It was what the counter culture was afraid of: assimilation. Now it's what we strive for. Oh good! We can register for the Crate & Barrel Wedding Contest too! I have a partner do you have a partner we all have partners sexless eunuchs of a partner. BLAH.

Finally, I am concluding with a wonderful essay by Mr. Teju Cole in The Atlantic which can be found, and should be read: here. Now brace yourself Twihards because it's a long one and may take more than one sitting on the pot to fully digest. It's called The White Savior Industrial Complex and has been Tweeted and Facebooked by many a white person. It started off as a series of Tweets (brilliant: Anti-Intellectual Populism) and ended up as a full-fledged essay in The Atlantic (not brilliant: Elitist, left-leaning, exclusionary) which talks specifically about whites (and Oprah which I LOVE) and their sentimentality towards Africa which was sparked by Cole's viewing of the Kony 2012 video. It really is brilliant but I would argue that if fails on two levels: it doesn't explicitly implicate the author in being guilty of the same Complex which is really American Exceptionalism. There is mention of it in this passage:
I write all this from multiple positions. I write as an African, a black man living in America. I am every day subject to the many microaggressions of American racism. I also write this as an American, enjoying the many privileges that the American passport affords and that residence in this country makes possible. I involve myself in this critique of privilege: my own privileges of class, gender, and sexuality are insufficiently examined. My cell phone was likely manufactured by poorly treated workers in a Chinese factory. The coltan in the phone can probably be traced to the conflict-riven Congo. I don't fool myself that I am not implicated in these transnational networks of oppressive practices.

Yet he does fool himself. And he chose to publish the article in The Atlantic and not USA Today - the nation's most read "newspaper". And he doesn't say that the mere writing of this article is about being better that the rest. He can call out Nicholas Kristof but not himself?  Kristof acts as the savior through his work in Africa and The New York Times and Cole does the same in this essay just as Crystal is doing in this blog post. NO ONE IS ABOVE THE FRAY. We are all searching for justification of our outrage and ideals and most importantly - and what no one other than Bob Dylan & Crystal will ever admit - to be applauded for that outrage and ideals and to be told we're right. Or better yet to be told we're wrong because what better way to celebrate our intellects than to have Nicholas Kristof argue with us on various media outlets. America loves her wars and Twitter wars are The New Black.

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