Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Crystal Bridges vs. Louis Vuitton

Now Dear Readers you know I love a luxury good like nobody's business. If my diamonds aren't Cartier my panties are! *hint hint. But I'm afraid that the new M. Louis Vuitton ad with M. Muhammad Ali has my panties in a bunch.

I have few associations the M. Ali but one of those is from Ted Koppel's wonderful 2001 memoir 'Off Camera: Private Thoughts Made Public' in which he details seeing M. Ali at a sporting event and approaching him to ask him how it feels to be the Greatest Athlete Who Ever Lived to which M. Ali responds "I'm still just a nigger." 

This was written sometime before 2001 when M. Koppel reports that his wife is "frequently his 'voice' these days" so 12 or more years later it makes me wonder who was his voice in deciding to lend his image to the M. Louis Vuitton ad?
Now if I may deconstruct the above image for a bit. M. Ali's grandson is in the foreground and the caption for the ad is "Some stars show you the way. Muhammad Ali and a rising star. Phoenix, Arizona"
The text implies that M. Ali is able to teach his grandson how to fight. Anyone who knows anything knows that M. Ali was diagnosed with Parkinson's in 1984 and has probably suffered from it earlier than that. It's unfair and cruel and makes M. Ali's struggles with the disease less relevant. He can't teach anyone anything. And that's okay. He has a disease. Quick American Super Hero Syndrome! He's Infallible! He's Immortal!

Time Magazine, on the occasion of M. Ali's 70th birthday in February of this year, published 
 A Champion in Purgatory, in which they reported "Muhammad Ali is at a point in his life where he doesn't really do very  much", "Sometimes his face freezes and he looks frightened, like he is in the midst of a nightmare", "A frozen stare creased his fase as the night wore on", and "Time has not been kind to Ali's health". My objection - in part - to the advertisement is the man who refused the Vietnam War by famously saying "I ain't go no quarrel with them Viet Cong... they never called me nigger" will be remembered as a pitch man for a mutli-thousand dollar bag. 

The campaign, which in the past has featured Angelina Jolie, Bono, Francis Ford Coppola and Sophia Coppola among others is part of the Louis Vuitton Core Values campaign. On their website two things appear when a search for "Core Values" is made. Annie Liebovitz and Angelina Jolie. I watched a video of the latter and apparently "Core Values" means white privileged people being amazed that in a war-torn country - in this case Cambodia - there would be landmines left over from said war! And then a graphic pops up that says with help from the "international community" landmines have decreased since 2000. Whoa. I refused to watch Annie talk about her townhouse troubles and how she had to sell her collection of LV luggage to pay last month's mortgage. 

And listen, I don't really care what a company does with their money. But calling something "Core Values" makes me at least think they're doing something with their money.

But my beef is not with their philanthropic nature (or lack thereof), it is with taking an icon who was so clear on his place in this world and putting him somewhere he has no idea. 

His image is dead already and in the advertisement he appears post-mortem, photoshopped from his wheelchair to back patio. How long did Annie have to have her assistants stand there to get him to smile? How much steadying did they have to do to M. Ali? Did he enjoy it? By all reports he's barely audible and incoherent when he is. He appears frozen on the page. This is not Ali from the ring, instead it's Rocky Part 16: Human Growth Hormone Gone Terribly Wrong.

I don't pretend to be naive about the nastiness of advertising. I was once a teenage model and feel a strong affinity for Peggy on 'Mad Men' but sweet Jesus are there not enough "legends" alive and well that you can rape? Shirley Maclaine must be finished filming Season 3 of 'Downton Abbey' by now and I would love to see her rat-a-tatting it up for M. Louis Vuitton. Right? 

When he told M. Koppel, already in the throes of Parkinson's that he was still "just a nigger" he sadly got it right once again.


Sunday, June 17, 2012

The Interlopere - Special Father's Day Edition

I thought he was a man but he was just a little boy.
Fiona Apple

Dear Readers -

Congratulations! You have just been given the honor and pleasure of another The Interlopere post by Crystal Bridges. And she's in a snit!

I saw Dear Ol' Dad recently and was not shocked by him. After years of reparative therapy, electric shock treatments and buckets of anti-psychotics Crystal Bridges was able to sit in the room with Dad (for full disclosure we are not sure that he is the dad of Crystal Bridges but this is what we've been told our entire 25 years of existence).

I woke up angry this morning and couldn't figure out why. And being the great patient that I am I thought a little harder about it and remembered today is Father's Day. The day when we celebrate the emotionally retarded with gifts like alcohol, IPads, golf accessories and the like.

Now of course not all fathers are dead inside but then this isn't for you. So the rest of this post will be sweeping generalizations, stereotypes, innuendo and bitchiness. But here's my thesis: Even if your dad is nice I would argue still incapable of real emotion. And why is this?

Well, first of all, I'd like to blame the Boomers. I'd like to blame anything post WWII: plastic, Levittown, TV, etc.

And now I'd like to turn my attention to the mothers of said Boomers: enablers. Growing up mom always told me that Grandma Louise - Lou - would wipe my father's ass for him as an adult. I always thought this to be conjecture but I'm no longer so sure. I watched her clip my adult uncle's toenails and just recently watched a sparring match between my father and his mother - still going strong at 92! - that elicited empathy on my father's behalf. She must have been a bear. OverBEARing. This of course - along with an alcoholic grandfather - spawned the joy that is (allegedly) my father: abusive, corrosive, alcoholic, animalistic and pathetic. He's always been all of these things. And he's always been disinterested in changing any of them. And he always blames anyone and everyone else. Usually women, starting with his mother on down. Women are bad because his mother was probably a terror. And now he terrorizes women - me included! - because he can. Or he used to be able to. Now, he's more of an bull that's been put out to pasture, waiting to die or be killed.

And I don't want to wax pathetic just about my dad or dads in general because really Dear Readers this post should be called Special Mens Edition. Because most of them are all Baby Retards, filled with miles and miles of cowardice which oftentimes takes the form of bravado. Bitch please.

Over the past week I've spent a lot of time with two of my best girlfriends. Let's call them Laverne and ... Shirley. Laverne has been kind of dating this guy who has a girlfriend where's he's from. Let's say Peoria. Laverne knew about it. This guy, let's call him Batman, was open about it. They had a whirlwind romance, sex, fun, he met her friends, he went out with her, he became - very quickly - integrated into Laverne's life. And then 10 days later he just wants to be "friends".

Now, Crystal Bridges, being the ace reporter that she is - Gorgeous is on vacation, FYI - went out to Peoria to get the scoop. Batman told me he was "emotionally empty" & "retarded". Crystal Bridges could not argue. I believed him when he told me his intention was never to hurt Laverne. But the fact remained that she was hurt. That after he came on her feet, she was dumped like the rag he used to clean it up. And this is what really burns my bridges. Maybe your intention was not malicious but the effects of your actions are real and harmful and things don't go away because you say so and just want to be "friends". Why are men all little boys? And when I told him this - or rather asked him - or told him - who knows? I was already three Remy Martins in - he just sat there and shrugged like a 5 year old who had just peed in his pants and told everyone it was chocolate milk (true story).

Now Shirley was involved - up until very recently with Robin - a man ten years her senior with a recent  ex. Shirley was promised diamonds and pearls. And what she got was a series of dismissive, pathetic texts apologizing profusely and ultimately asking not to be contacted again. He realized that he was still in love with his ex after 4 months of coital bliss with Shirley. And just like that it's over. Because he said so. Now I read these texts and he apologized over and over and over again (see peed pants, 5 year old) but it just wasn't enough. Even for Crystal Bridges who has never even met Robin. I felt scorned!

And why do women settle for these tools? Why did my mother? Why are women constant mothers who have to change the proverbial shit-filled diaper for their men? Is feminism alive and well anywhere outside of my lesbian brothers and sisters?!

And don't even get me started on gays. They're just as bad - maybe even worse. I just watched Oprah interview Neil Patrick Harris and David Burtka - don't judge, it's slow at the 5 & Ten on a Sunday! - and she asked them which was the maternal one. Now if that's not offensive enough they fucking answered it. Of course it's David because NPH - while out and about all over God's green Earth - cannot appear too gay because he's the bigger star. So while the twins are sucking at the teet of Burtka NPH is off "building things" or some other shit. But he'll be there when the kids want to build a play house because "I love to build playhouses". Quick: Heteronormativity! Let's all get married! What the interview failed to mention is that when the nanny puts the kids to bed NPH and David are inviting a trick from Grindr over to suck the jizz out of each others' assholes.

There are so many other examples I could list here to prove my point about the lack of emotional availability of those with a wee wee between their legs, but why bother because you all know it's true. Mandatory therapy for all men! Quit being dicks. Maybe I've just been watching too many Fiona Apple  videos.

So Happy Father's Day! Don't fucking expect a card from me this year or any.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

FIle Under: Bat Shit Banana Town Ooo-Ooo

Now Dear Readers as I'm sure most of you know Crystal is not a political gal but sometimes she has to throw her hat in the ring and straighten out a few misconceptions, lies and nuttiness. And Crystal is about to get nutty.

Rick Santorum's latest opus, Obamaville, is what Leni Riefenstahl would have made had she lived just a few years more. In fact, I would guess that Heir Santorum knows a thing or two about Triumph of the Will or as Crystal likes to call it: Propaganda or How One Beautiful Movie Assisted in the Slaughter of Millions of Jews.

Rick Santorum's vision of another Obama presidency is a mixture of V, Children of the Corn and a Very Special Scooby Doo with Special Guest Stars: Batman and Robin. 

Welcome to Obamaville with Special Guest Stars: Barack Obama, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Back from the Grave: Osama Bin Laden.

**Please note: all other regular, read: normal, residents of Obamaville are white and have been or will be defiled by the above three Trio of Color!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.



Wednesday, March 21, 2012

A Must Read and ReTweet and RePost By Crystal Bridges

I know Crystal has been away from The Interlopere because quite frankly she can't stop tickling her Twitter but there is so much bullshit going on it's going to take me a lot longer than 140 characters to spew my rage.

Let's start with Tyler Clementi. He killed himself after being videotaped making out shirtless with another man. This videotape was broadcast to some other students at Rutgers by Dhuran Ravi. First of all everyone from The New York Times to The Brian Lehrer Show to The View is repeatedly outing Clementi from the grave. Partially because we have such a narrow view of sexuality in this country and partially because they want to prove how bad it is to beat up on poor unsuspecting homos. Let me give you all a little lesson in Queer: Because one makes out with a man sans shirt does not make him a Homosexual Officiel. It makes him horny? or curious? or bored or maybe gay? Maybe he was bisexual. I've made out with trannies, lesbians, straights, gays, the homeless, whites, blacks and everything in between and I'm not sure I'm any of that. So fuck you and stop outing this kid from the grave. He was an 18-year old trying to figure shit out. Does any media outlet (and I know Barbra Walters doesn't think The View is a news program yet she prides herself on being a journalist??) think that what they're doing is making him die a second death? Isn't the outing of him as an alleged gay one of the causes of his death? And I say 'one of the causes' because what else no one wants to talk about is how there has to be some predisposed mental health issues going on for one to take such an extreme action. Crystal never took her life when someone spray painted "FAGGOT" on her driveway after she was chased for miles on a country road. No, she took solace when mom went down to the Pump 'n' Pantry and found that little bitch who did it and slapped her on the face. Many years of analysis later she is still upset about it but she manages to carry on. I digress...

Part two: Dhuran Ravi. Yes what he did was in poor taste and mean spirited. But is it worth ten years in prison? Must we ruin two young peoples' lives. And now there is talk of deportation. Sweet Jesus America loves to ride her high horse. Crystal last rode a high horse in Portland, Oregon while Aunt Shannon and Cousin Mary were in the wine barn gettin' their drink on. But seriously Dear Readers, wouldn't his time be better spent graduating from college, manning a suicide assistance line and going to therapy? It's not like his life is going to be easy. Even if he can graduate and stay in this country would you hire the guy who made the gay guy jump to his death? Google can be a prison sentence.

Now on to Occupy Wall Street: What the shit? You come out after the six month anniversary. Were you hibernating during the winter? One of the warmest on season certainly can not be to blame for your absence. And please, Sweet Jesus tell me what you are standing for? Or against? Okay I know you're against corporate greed. Great. What are you doing with your money? As of 10/31/11, according to WNYC - read the link bitches - you had nearly half a million dollars. What are you spending it on? Did you invest in the stock market? Were you figuring out what to do with it while wintering in Mexico or Aspen or waiting in line for your new IPads? How about taking that money and going to East Bumblefuck and renting storefronts in every little crevice of a town and talk to the people. Instead of hanging out in urban areas, depressed and pale because you can't get a job even though you have your Master's Degree in Philosophy. WAH WAH WAH. Seriously, organize and get a point and get a manifesto or else we are all going to be sucking on the tit of Mitt Romney come November. And if you need a leader, Crystal's your gal. Oh wait, you don't want a leader right? Ugh.

Now on to France and Trayvon Martin. Oh White People. And Star Jones and once again the media. Let me tell you a little story. Crystal recently got cable television and by cable television I mean I plugged an antenna into the back and boom! I get to watch all of my morning programs. Okay so people are outraged that there's Anti-Semitism in Europe and racism in America. As if World War II happened during the Peloponnesian War and when we talk about slavery we're referencing Ancient Egypt. This shit happened yesterday so why people feign surprise (and I swear to g_d if I hear one more asshole say "But I thought we were post-racial since Obama" I am going to SCREAM! And just let me say this 'post-racial' is a term used by people who don't want to acknowledge the uncomfortable difference amongst us based on our race. WHITE GUILT) I will never know. Seriously Star Jones was on The Today Show with two other yahoos talking about Trayvon Martin in shock. Has she heard of South Florida before? Anyone else remember Broward County? The 2004 election? Disney for Christ's sake! But seriously that segment was about 5 minutes, nothing compared to the coverage they gave - and for some reason Star Jones was there too! - to the Mark Cherry/Nicolette Sheridan Desperate Housewives trial and then of course Ann Curry's borderline-retarded interview with Kirk Cameroon. Who by the way loves all people and doesn't hate gays but just thinks that they're morally deprived termites who eat at the very core that is American Society.

And France. Has anyone ever been to or heard of Europe. The outrage that someone could kill Jews. When did Anti-Semitism go away? Was Crystal gettin' her hair did at the Hair Zoo with Grandma Betty when all of this went down? And thankfully it was a Muslim who did the shooting because The Universal Evil is never anything that we are happy without. This will give the right a chance to espouse how all Muslims are killers and the left to do nothing and feign surprise and "Oh My God how can anyone say such hideous things?!"

And now let's briefly touch on Rush Limbaugh and free speech. He's gross, he's fat, he's a pill-popper, misogynist, etc., etc., etc. But last I checked he's an American and the 1st Amendment is meant to protect exactly this kind of speech. Why does this feel like my freshman essay on censorship? Oh, because it was and Americans are a bunch of 'tards who like to ride their moral high horses (see Oregon, Portland) and feign shock over and over and over again. Where is Oprah when we need her to lead us through such trying times? Oh, she's hugging Bobbi Kristina and screaming at Stedman over the phone - you know they sleep in separate wings! - because OWN can't attract a rating higher than the series finale of Cop Rock . And same goes for Kirk Cameroon. If he wants to say that gays are shit-eatin', cum-drizzlin' disgusting fagoids that spread AIDS and rape babies, let him! I get to say this. You get to say what you believe. We can all be outraged at each other and call it a day. And since were on this subject let me briefly touch base on the cause of Limbaugh's outrage Ms. Sandra Fluke. A lovely, composed and intelligent woman who doesn't seem to want to enter into the nastiness, minus the appearances on Rachel Maddow, The View and too many other media outlets to name. Don't cry to me when you go to Congress and testify on a really heated issue (and let me clarify, it's the media and not Ms. Fluke that seem to be doing most of the crying). You put yourself in the public eye and you make yourself available for comment, regardless of how kind or cruel. This allows me to say things like "Sherri Shepherd is a dumbass who didn't know the Earth was round." " I just got to make a living and support my son, Jeffrey." True story. YouTube it.

And speaking of gays: stop GLITTERBOMBING. It makes us all look stupid. Can there please be a more effective way of organizing rather than faggily throwing glitter while trouncing around like a fairy? Save that for home, or your senior thesis of "performance art" or that festival in Tennessee where everyone dresses like fairies and elves. Oooh. Seriously. How 'bout you take a page out of the chapter of The Black Panters and ORGANIZE. And really, can we ask for more than gay marriage. I am so fucking tired of gay marriage. Remember that little line in that little book (or movie for those of you who don't read more than my Tweets) Revolutionary Road: We're Just Like Everyone Else. This used to be a bad thing. It was what the counter culture was afraid of: assimilation. Now it's what we strive for. Oh good! We can register for the Crate & Barrel Wedding Contest too! I have a partner do you have a partner we all have partners sexless eunuchs of a partner. BLAH.

Finally, I am concluding with a wonderful essay by Mr. Teju Cole in The Atlantic which can be found, and should be read: here. Now brace yourself Twihards because it's a long one and may take more than one sitting on the pot to fully digest. It's called The White Savior Industrial Complex and has been Tweeted and Facebooked by many a white person. It started off as a series of Tweets (brilliant: Anti-Intellectual Populism) and ended up as a full-fledged essay in The Atlantic (not brilliant: Elitist, left-leaning, exclusionary) which talks specifically about whites (and Oprah which I LOVE) and their sentimentality towards Africa which was sparked by Cole's viewing of the Kony 2012 video. It really is brilliant but I would argue that if fails on two levels: it doesn't explicitly implicate the author in being guilty of the same Complex which is really American Exceptionalism. There is mention of it in this passage:
I write all this from multiple positions. I write as an African, a black man living in America. I am every day subject to the many microaggressions of American racism. I also write this as an American, enjoying the many privileges that the American passport affords and that residence in this country makes possible. I involve myself in this critique of privilege: my own privileges of class, gender, and sexuality are insufficiently examined. My cell phone was likely manufactured by poorly treated workers in a Chinese factory. The coltan in the phone can probably be traced to the conflict-riven Congo. I don't fool myself that I am not implicated in these transnational networks of oppressive practices.

Yet he does fool himself. And he chose to publish the article in The Atlantic and not USA Today - the nation's most read "newspaper". And he doesn't say that the mere writing of this article is about being better that the rest. He can call out Nicholas Kristof but not himself?  Kristof acts as the savior through his work in Africa and The New York Times and Cole does the same in this essay just as Crystal is doing in this blog post. NO ONE IS ABOVE THE FRAY. We are all searching for justification of our outrage and ideals and most importantly - and what no one other than Bob Dylan & Crystal will ever admit - to be applauded for that outrage and ideals and to be told we're right. Or better yet to be told we're wrong because what better way to celebrate our intellects than to have Nicholas Kristof argue with us on various media outlets. America loves her wars and Twitter wars are The New Black.

Friday, February 24, 2012

For Joanne

You should all watch and love this video and then share it and Tweet it and Foursquare it and fuck it because it's great!


Speaking of Pussy

Now I know you're all wondering, Dear Readers, where has Crystal been? Well, she's been down in Virginia getting her pussy examined for her future abortions. More on that later. But seriously I was talking to my homegirl Joanne yesterday and we decided this: Sisters have got to do it for themselves. Ain't no one gonna do it for you.

But anyway, while I was sunning my hoo-haw in VA a lot of shit has happened. Like #1 it's 1973 again, decades before Crystal was born, but we have some loony toonies talking about my vagina and her vagina and aspirins in knees and infanticide and whoa!!! Someone pass me the good stuff because if this is a time warp I want to reap the benefits? Right Jimmy? You with me Janice?!

But seriously... you know Crystal is a big fan of abortions. More abortions government funded. Period. But now we got this Holy Coven of Crazies up there telling all the ladies that they know what's best for my pussy. First we have this birth control debacle where - speaking of pussy - President Obama has said that insurers, even those associated with religious institutions, would have to pay for birth control. The INSURERS. NOT the institutions. So of course you get every wing nut with two teeth left and a second grade vocabulary (and Rick Santorum carrying around his dead fetus child) saying that Obama hates religion is Muslim loves Satan and fucks small dead children while officiating gay weddings. YES JESUS!!!! And what does Obama do?

"Sorry guys." Enter John Boner crying and Mick Jagger passes him the microphone so he can sing about his Sweet Home Chicago? You know what Obama? You better grow a pair so that your scared "I'll have unilateral talks with Iran" ass doesn't get sent back to Chicago. HILLARY 2012!!!! I'm tired of this shit already. Michelle better take those arms and make Obama the power bottom we know he is and fist the sense into him! Stand up brother!

Okay so there's that. Ugh. And then there's this bullshit about having to examine my VAGINE before I decide - as an adult - to terminate my pregnancy; to remove the toenail size growth from my uterine lining; to vacuum out something the size of what Pierre throws up just to have Paco eat it. FUCK YOU. Why don't all of the doctors and scientists stand up and say NO. Take out a fucking full page ad in every national newspaper (not counting USA Today - that shit lines The BirdCage starring Mr. Robin Williams and Mr. Nathan Lane) and say FUCK OFF. We're not going to do it. Here's the text:

FUCK OFF. As a nation of abortion providers we are dedicated to giving women then highest quality health care where there dignity is maintained throughout ANY procedure, including but not limited to abortions. We will not force them into some sentimental 3-D schlock fest about how their fetus will grow up to be a Great American. Most likely it will grow up to be a sociopath, somewhere on the autism spectrum that needs Ritalin from day one just to concentrate on Sesame Street. So let us do you a favor now...


Doctors and Scientists.

Don't have fucking Clooney or Yoko Ono sign this shit because you know nothing tickles O'Reilly's testes like getting lefty celebs on a cause. Let's be serious about this folks.

And speaking of being serious. I can compromise. Crystal loves to compromise. So if you insist on having my pussy inspected before I decide to have an abortion fine. But the trade off is this - while you're in my pussy, acting all Avatar and shit to show me the dot matrix image inject the peanut with the good stuff and scrape it out. Two for the price of one.

I met a woman at a party recently and she told me she had a daughter. Crystal said "that's nice" not really wanting to talk about kids because nothing makes Crystal feel her 26 years more than baby talk. But then she said this:

I only had the kid because I had had too many abortions.

And that's how it should be. Get off of my clit. Vagina Dentata NOW!

Saturday, February 4, 2012

This is Cunt-ry

Now Dear Readers, Crystal comes from class: the White Zin is served in tumblers and paper plates are de riguer at all family functions under the rented white mosquito net in the back yard but this is real country trash. And Crystal can't believe she didn't think of it first because she has plenty of enemies that she would love to throw her flaming tampons at!