Saturday, January 29, 2011

Das Racist

I have a date and his name is Lawyer Joe. If any other The Interlopere Readers want to come meet us there. I can update what I'm wearing the day of so you'll know who I am.

Das Racist!

Insanity, Sean Hannity

I did my workout this AM around 8AM after drinking Paris Tea and the Pure Abs is so hard. I still don't have the form down yet. I'm feeling a bit discouraged today and want to throw the towel in but I won't. No worries.

Stay strong Dear Readers. I'm with you all the way!

17 You're a Dream

Welcome to Heather Gay! #17!

Just as a side not I once had a Silver Persian cat that I named #17 because he had had so many homes. I got him from this older woman I used to be in a book club with in Philadelphia. One time we got high together and she told me about her days on "Black Beauties" and it was hilarious. Plus she had a cat named Schmoo and he knocked over some water or something and in my stoned state I yelled "Schmoo you schmucking shmashsmole!"

Movies & Galleries

This morning David and I went to see The Social Network. I liked it again and David found it "boring". I couldn't tell given the multiple times he changed position in his seat over the course of two hours. At one point I thought he was going to fall out of it.

This is why I like it. A: Jesse Eisenberg plays against character and does a great job of it and B: Both Aaron Sorkin and David Fincher feel as if they are mirrors of Mark Zuckerberg. They too want to fit in. I bet we can find somewhere in their past where they too wanted to belong to some kind of Final Club, not just the Jewish fraternity with the Asian girls.

But it really works in the movie. The second time around you get a more sympathetic viewing of Mark Zuckerberg. I still really like it and think it's probably the best "Hollywood" movie made this year.

After that we had Vietnames. I had some Chicken Pho (hold the noodles please!) and David had some weird flat pork dish and a beer with some spicy stuff in it. I had sparkling water.

Then we went to galleries around the Lower East Side and looked at real estate and art. The real estate was more promising but there was one good show at Lu Magnus. Go and see it. Plus it's a beautiful space.

Also, the Bridge Gallery had a good show and a video in the back with real vaginal intercourse (no condoms!). Love that.

And Orchard Windows Gallery there were some beautiful porno paintings. David wasn't crazy about them but very nice light and the artist, Nicholas Weber, is a very good painter. Plus the proprietor, Dino, was very charming and promises two receptions for each show including wine and cheese products (I'm not sure if he meant Easy Cheese or not).

Finally, before the move there was an advertisement for Ritz Crackers - which I'll soon be following on Facebook - and this famous chef (a pudgy, bleached blond) made Ritz sliders. David said something about how quickly they would get pooped out and I couldn't agree more. Yuckers.

Today's Plans

Good Morning Dear Readers!

Today we are going to see The Social Network on 42nd for only $6 at 11AM. I've already seen it but David hasn't it and he likes to see all of the Oscar nominated films although he refuses to see 127 Hours or "anything animated". It's like living with the Grinch Who Stole Christmas and Then Ate All of the Toys and Pooped Them Out in Front of Your Children.

Then galleries, then our friend Matthew's birthday party then dinner with our friend Catherine and maybe Leah?!

It's a busy day. Plus I need to work on my script, apply for some residencies and diddle my skittle... if you know what I mean Dear Readers!

I'm A Winner (Again!)

Last night I won Bananagrams twice! As punishment David turned down the music ("It's too loud", put on some olde tyme bullshit movie about Mary Queen of Scotts and then went to bed).

I bathed in my glory for as long as I could and started writing my spec script for 30 Rock. Dear Readers I'm entering a contest for Nickelodeon. Keep you fingers crossed.

Sweet 16!

Welcome Mikey to the fold. Dear Readers we're really gathering a bit of a following here. First 16, next 60!

Friday, January 28, 2011

Olive You... Don't Sue!

Dennis Kucinich lawsuit against a Capitol Hill cafeteria has been settled. In 2008 Kucinich allegedly but into a wrap containing an olive pit which caused him extensive pain and dental work (a bridge to nowhere? - get it?!).

He sued for $150,000. Today it appears to have been settled out of court. No reports for exactly how much. Na-noo, na-noo.

Jonathan Taylor Thomas

I was mentioning to my co-worker that my back hurt, probably from the Insanity and then she mentioned how she wants to have sex to Sir Elton's "The Circle of Life". So then I went on YouTube and watched the video and who should appear in it? That's right! JTT. I forgot all about him. Anyway, I thought he would be a nice respite from your Fridays Dear Readers. So here's Jonathan Taylor Thomas:

And here's Nick Cave!

Colon Hydrotherapy The Sequel

So I just spoke with Maria and here's what I should expect: feeling light after 45 minutes; my colon specialist will check to make sure I've inserted the tube properly and then they'll teach me how to expell the water (every 25 seconds for 40 minutes!); I may experience some cramping - like I have to go to the bathoom but that's natural. I may sweat during the procedure because I am introducing some foreign materials into my body. They will give me a probiotic after. I can't be more than 15 minutes late. I can't eat any meat, poultry, carbs, bread, pasta, rice or potatoes ("Nothing in the white family"); I can only eat steamed fish, vegetables, frutis, boiled eggs, high fiber cereals, yogurt and cottage cheese; teas and coffees are okay.

I can't wait! Don't worry Dear Readers I am going to document the shit out of this (pun intended) and make a video. And then I'll just have to figure out how to upload it.

Next Friday evening will be the best Friday evening ever!

I can't keep up!

Dear Readers - The Interlopere is blowing up! Reader #14 welcome! Beth Beverly!

Check her out here:

But not more than me perverts!

Bon Appetit!

I wasn't dying to subscribe to another food magazine (why bother when one has the culinary skills of a pre-menopausal Julia Childs and the vim and vigor of Anthony Bourdain high on coke while eating lobster testicles!) But I got the following offer in my email this morning:

Dear Miracle Bright,
Bon Appétit is serving up an exclusive offer just for you! Now, you can get one year of the popular guide to great food and easy entertaining for just $12*. You save 74% off the cover price!
Plus, with your paid subscription, you'll get our Tastes of Italy Cookbook FREE! Enjoy over 70 delicious and easy-to-prepare recipes in this exclusive cookbook, available only from Bon Appétit.

Anyone who calls me Miracle Bright will get anything they want from me. What? You want me to pay $5000 to Operation SMILE!? No problem! Love it. A subscription to Guns & Ammo. You got it!

Miracle Bright is Right!


I never understood why there is no #13 on elevators. I mean, really? Where do we live: Spooks BaDooks? Are we not men? Can we not handle the #13? It's like Escape to Witch Mountain up in this piece!

I'll tell you what I can handle Dear Readers: Sarah Sarringtons... our lucky number 13!


The Challenger, RIP

Dear Readers - I don't mean to be all serious all of the time but I remember the Challenger, being in 4th grade at St. Stanislaus Kostka Catholic Perochial School ("Good Morning Sister Therese Marie") and watching the shuttle blow. I was devastated. It was scary. Two years later when my mother would remarry and we moved to Pennsylvania from upstate New York and I got a new step-aunt Liz. She was a closeted lesbian, an alcoholic, an abusive mother. No, Dear Readers "Liz" is not code for Paula Poundstone, but the similarities are endless. Just kidding Paula - love you girl!

Anyway, the Challenger has stayed with me because Aunt Liz told me that she had applied and that could have been her. The horror!

Let's all take a moment for Aunt Liz today.

ps. I'm not sure why Queen Latifah and her trainer popped up on this blog. I was unable to load the picture I wanted. Crazy machines!

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Assholes in Training

I've been thinking a lot about Willow and Jayden Smith, as I often do, and I have a lot of ideas for their glorious future. GLORIOUS!

So here are some ideas for their film future:

Flowers in the Attic:

and I think Mo'Nique can play the grandma as the mom from Precious. Dear Readers - I'm interested in seeing the two of them locked up in an attic because I think it could be a way to exercise their acting chops!

I think Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid for the one key scene where Paul Newman is riding that woman around on his bike and Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head is playing - you know, because that song was around in the Wild Wild West (WILL SMITH REFERENCE!) Jayden as the Paul Newman character, Willow as Redford and the woman on the bike. Finally, Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? Here I see Jayden as the Joan Crawford character and Willow as Bette Davis (you know she's calling all the shots here a la mom Jada Pinkett Smith). Plus who doesn't want to see him in all that rouge.

Dear Readers - I'd like to personally congratulate the Smiths on raising two fine children! Can't wait to see what they'll do next!

Follower #12!

Dear Readers I'd like to welcome Bob to our lil' gang here.

Three cheers for Bob!

Hip Hip Hooray!

Hip Hip Hooray!

Hip Hip Hooray!

Is Nothing Safe?!

I mean, you can't even slob the knob or eat the vagina these days without some new goddamn cancer!

Come on, this is ridiculous. Get the HPV vaccine if you can because it's destroying our sex lives.

Ugh. I hate ths kind of news. Next they're going to tell me that there is no nutritional content in rimming!

Boycott Something!

Dear Readers - The Interlopere doesn't get serious very often but sadness has crept into Uganda.

Plus: Uganda’s first lady is a born-again Christian and has proposed a virginity census.
Um... Party of 1 please?
Sweet Jesus!

Roast Beef Bitches

The recipe we've all been looking for Dear Readers - and you know who you are!

Let's BEEF!

Subway Dreams of SJP

Dear Readers - While reading Must You Go? I came across this little gem: A minute flaxen-haired doll called Sarah, so small she could hardly read the script, proved to be the most brilliant actress. (Years later I was amused that the minute flaxen-haired doll had become famous as Sarah Jessica Parker.)
She was auditioning for Harold Pinter's version of Henry James's The Turn of the Screw.
I dreamt I could run into her and tell her this because I think she got beat up in the press - rather unfairly - for Sex and the City 2, a wonderful depression-era romp. Anyway, I thought it would brighten her day.
I once read a book on Andy Warhol and my friend's mother was mentioned a few times as one of the founding members of the Andy Warhol fan club. She was then Chief Curator of Prints at MOMA. I couldnt' wait to tell her and when I did she already knew. It was kind of disappointing but oh well. It was at the Marina Abromovic opening. She cried (Marina). "Crocodile tears", as my friend Lucas said.

What I'm Listening To Now

Das Racist! Yay! I'm super excited for them and I got $10 tickets to go see them at the Highline Ballroom or something like that. Let me know Dear Readers if any The Interlopere fans want to come - get your tickets now - and maybe we can all meet!

Also, If anyone is feeling generous they have a fun t-shirt on their website ( that I would love.

And PS. my fucking watch is still broken (*triple dipple hint*)

What I'm Watching Now (and will be for days to come)

Oh yes! Remember Me starring Mr. Robert Pattinson. Now I've already seen this in the theatre but it was screaming at me from the library shelf (GAY WAD! GAAAY WAAAD!) and I just had to have it again; if you're looking for this in the upcoming months look again because I've already renewed it four times until I can figure out how to say I lost it and never return it.

It has a real twist ending (hint* it happens on 9/11/01) and there's a great scene where Robert Pattinson rides his bike. I love him.

What I'm Reading Now

Must You Go? By Lady Antonia Fraser. I just started it last night after I took it from the library (which incidentally was closing early because of "weather"... I mean it's like Grandma Betty in high school - in your best Harvey Fierstein: "Honey, don't go out there... there's gonna be weather.")

Anyway, it's very good, very dishy. Sort of like the Liz and Dick Burton of England (except they're both English too) but not as glamorous, more literary, uglier and more esoteric references - if she compares him to Richard III once more or calls him Pinteresque. I mean, no shit he's Pinteresque. He's Harold Pinter Lady!

Social Media Orgy!

Follow The Interlopere on Facebook @ Richard Interlopere or on Twitter @ @silkenevening.

Or at Google Buzz (does anyone use this?) at

Excuses Excuses!

So I did my 2nd Fit Test today and here are the results. Most went up, some went down but I'm truly convinced it's because of form. It simply got better!

Switch Kicks: 81 (down from 86)

Power Jayck: 50 (up from 42)

Power Knees: 83 (up from 68)

Power Jumps: 20 (down from 29)

Globe Jumps: 8 (stayed the same... at 8)

Suicide Jumps: 12 (up from 10)

Push-Up Jacks: 24 (up from 10)

Low Plank Oblique: 50 (up from 37)

Not bad. I'm still waiting on the body of dreams. Maybe at day 20?

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Oh! Thank God!

Will Smith, Jada Pinkett Smith and Jay-Z are going to remake Annie starring Willow. Phew!

Because you know there hasn't been enough of Punjab picking up Grace singing "We've Got Annie" in years!

Here's my dream cast:

Annie: Willow Smith (of course)

Daddy Warbucks: Tracy Morgan

Miss Hannigan: Mo'Nique playing Precious' mother

Grace Farrell: Sherry Shepherd

Rooster: My boyfriend David reprising his role from his elementary school days

Lily St. Regis: Kathie Lee Gifford

Pujab: Hoda Kotb

FDR: HRC (Hillary Rodham Clinton bitches!)

Cancer Free! (Pan)

We all must buy this pan ASAP.

I know we all say we don't use non-stick but who are we kidding. The way those eggs slide right off of the pan, I don't care about cancer just give me my omelet of perfection!

But now we can have both. And the skies are opening up and singing the praises of Allah today.

This pan is made by Ozeri and it's on Amazon but currently out of stock. It's $90 but think of all the radiation and chemotherapy that will save you down the road. We must do this for our children or else they'll have have gills on their labia and antennae on their testies (testies... 1, 2, 3).

I believe that children our are future - Whitney Houston.

Poop Scoot & Boogie!

Dear Readers -

I made my appointment for my Colon Hydrotherapy Session. Next Friday, February 4th at 4PM!

OMG I can't wait. Here's a picture of the room (or a sample picture?) but it looks like a dream! Two machines that collect my feces!

Heaven - I'm in Heaven!

Stay tuned for some real Pulitzer Prize-winning photos of the experience!


We're Going to London Bitches!

OMG! Thank the Maker!

Tori and her merry band of elves are making a musical! I mean... what a way to brighten my day. No Gwynnie here! And it's going to premiere in the UK. What a great excuse to go (as if I needed one!)

Possible suggestions for a title:

West Side Tori

A Little Rape Music

Hello, Tori!

Annie Get Your God

Bed Knobs and Broomsticks (and other things I shove in my vagina).

Never Was a Sondheim Girl

How To Succeed In the Forest With Your Little Fairy Friends Without Really Trying

Happy Phantom of the Opera

The Music (wo)Man

RIP The Minimalist

I don't know how I'm going to make it! Who will teach me about sage pesto or a butternut squash dollop on top of my horseradish-braised beef? This is the worst day ever (and not just because my job sucks the sweat off of a certain boyfriend's balls after a workout in the same pair of panties he's been wearing for 2 days!).

Ugh. Get me out of here. I'm also going to take all of my aggression out on Gwynnie today and include her pinched ass in everything I do. But I love her! And I still want to see Country Strong!

But seriously, goodbye Mark Bittman. You who taught me the Classic Caesar. Friend of Mario Batali (whose penis is rumored to be the size of a fingerling potato!). Oh. What a fuckin' day.

Maybe it's because today is the day off from my workout and I wasn't able to take out my aggression. Maybe I'll have to workout tonight. Just because.

Oscar Nominations

Who cares. Dear Readers - that's what I think... I mean, there are so few surprises that really... who cares. Watch it for the dresses and nothing else. Hell, don't even watch it. What do I care!

I know I said I would dissect it all and blah blah blah but really why bother... at this point it feels so done already.

Portman, Firth, Leo and Bale in the acting categories.

Aaron Sorkin for Adapted Screenplay; Cholodenko and whoever else for Original.

I'm guessing David Fincher and The Social Network for Director and Picture.

We'll see if I'm wrong, but I doubt it.

The Milk Train Doesn't Stop Here Anymore

Dear Readers -

I saw this play on The Great White Way last night... starring Ms. Olympia Dukakis and I loved it. Full frontal male nudity, gay stuff, drama, humor, intrigue and Olympia screaming "Blackie!" all throughout the play!

It was very funny and there was a great device employed where Olympia spent a lot of her time behind sheer curtains talking through a microphone. It really created an atmosphere. Go see it for sure! Also, if you are under 36 you can join HIPTIX and get all Roundabout Productions for only $20! And the seats aren't bad!

Say Yes!

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Free Glasses!

Let's get our nerd on!

I'm going to try it out. If you've got your RX then you can get a free pair of spectacles!

Boys don't make passes at girls who wear glasses - Dorothy Parker

Lucky #11

Welcome to #11 Shannon in da house!!!!

Fuckin' Formatting

Dear Readers -

I have no idea how that last formatting gaff happened. Just go with it. It's all raw all the time on The Interlopere!

Follower Number 10!

Ladies and Gentlemen! Follower NUMBER 10! As promised this follower - Jim - will be receiving a sculpture from MOI.

That's right!

Look at that formatting!

Speaking of Gay

Okay. I don't want to be the cynic here (of course I do... who am I kidding) but Dear Readers... really? Are you fucking kidding me?

"Hey I have a good idea!"

"What is it?"

"Well, you know how that shooting happened in Arizona? You know the state with the crazy as bananas immigration laws?"

"Totally! I love Tuscon"

"Well, I think that we should sit with each other at the State of the Union address because, I mean, won't that just be like so meaningful?"

"I guess. Just don't put me with Barney Frank"

"He he... no way dude, that guy's a total 'mo"

"And make sure I'm not with anyone who's skin is darker than Boehner's... I don't want to isolate my base."

"Dude totally feel you. Light skinned, not queer... what about Pelosi?"

"Hmmm... what's her face looking like these days? Don't want my kids thinking I'm sitting with Skeletor!"

"Oh burn! Damn! No, no, you're right... what about Lieberman? I mean, he's an Independent"

"Um, holy shit dude. Did you forget that Heimy Schmeinkmen over there is like Jew #1... I mean, that freak won't even work on a Saturday..."

"Oh yeah... Kucinich?"

"Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haha ahahahahaha"

"Dude... totally kidding! hahahahhaha ... that guy is gayer than Frank!"

"Shit, he's probably sitting with Shirley Maclaine right now praying to Xenu or some shit... ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh. Tune In Tokyo!"


"no, no, you're right... total joke!"

"What about this: I'll get a life size cut out of Ted Kennedy and then one of Strom Thurmond. That'll be fucking genius! I'll be in the center and I'll be invoking history on my left and history on my right so suck it bitches!"

"Dude, you are golden!"


Insanity, week 2: Complete!

Today I finished week two of Insanity. Tomorrow is a day off and then Thursday is my fit test - stay tuned for results Dear Readers... let's see how I've grown... TOGETHER!

Here is Shaun T from Fit Kids Club. I love him.

Today I did Pure Cardio and after I did Cardio Abs. It was very hard. Plus it was the first time for the Cardio Abs and my form was a bit off to say the least. I probably looked like Darryl Hannah in Splash when she flops out of the bathtub. Sweet Jesus!

Anyway. Isn't this fun!

Good News!

Dear Readers!

Very exciting news! Today on Groupon there is a coupon for a $25 colon hydrotherapy session. Now as you know I have been wanting to do this for years but this is kismet! Because now I will document it and blog about it! And we will all be stronger for it! Oh! Happy Day!

What could possibly top this?!

Dear Readers please join me in thanking the stars for this blessed gift! Praise be to __________.

Pussy in A Bag

Oscar Nominations...

Have been announced. Expect a full report later. No real surprises (quelle surprise!) but of course I have an opinion Dear Readers...

Stay Tuned!

Gotham Writers Workshop

Good Morning Dear Readers!

Last night I had my first class in TV Writing II. It's for writing TV pilots and yes Dear Readers I have an exceptional idea! Emmys! Golden Globes! Writers Guild of America! Let me say, first of all, that it was not actually my idea. This belonged to a certain Ms. Nurse Abby. I'm the wingman on this project but I'm convinced - like in most things - I'm indispensable. But we do have a very good, fleshed-out concept that I can't wait to start writing. I'm going to start this weekend and maybe Wednesday night (tomorrow) as long as Mesrine: Killer Instinct and Mesrine: Public Enemy #1 doesn't end on Thursday in which case I'll see those two back-to-back (double bubble!).

Anyway... last night at class we had to write a pitch for an existing show. I chose Friday Night Lights because I LOVE that show. And basically, I won! Our teacher, Jim Mendrinos loved it... he was practically weeping. Okay, so weeping may be a bit strong but I do think I saw his eye twinkle. There are some real gems in this class. I love it. I LOVE it. It's really fun. And this class is at some petit-bourgeois elementary school in the West Village. Sweet Christ I'm sending my children there!

Before class Abby (that's Nurse Abby in case you're confused) went to Tea & Sympathy for dinner. She had Welsh Rarebit and Earl Grey Tea and I had a grilled chicken sandwich on 7-grain bread with green tea. It was delicious. Abby, in college, once had a band called Welsh Rarebitch. She's going to be in TITLE:TBD with me. She knows three chords and if you ask me that's two too many. WE WILL ROCK!

Tonight Dear Readers I am going to see The Milk Train Doesn't Stop Here Anymore by Mr. Tennessee Williams starring Ms. Olympia Dukakis! We're big fans of Olympia these days because in March we are going to St. Maarten, the French side of course!, and staying at her former villa, Villa Steel Magnolias - no lie!. Anyway, with a title like that and that author starring that grand dame of stage and screen I can only imagine that the play is about menopause. But what do I know? PS - this is an actual picture of the Villa... I can't wait! Oh and this is part of the reason I'm doing Insanity because I want to look like Bo Derek in "10" when I go there. Replete with hard nipples and braids with puka shells in them. I am growing my hair Dear Readers... did I not tell you?!

Oh and one more thing for this post. My watch is still broken. Hint hint.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Throat Herpes Be Damned!

So my doctor left me a message and my throat culture is totally negative! I'm healthy. Phew. I thought those rim jobs would catch up with me!


As I've said before my tenth follower will get a surprise sculpture. Not sure of what yet but spread the word... it's on!


ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-oooh-hooo-hoo JET!

I love Paul McCartney, particularly his solo stuff and Wings. I just do. I like the Beatles fine but nothing compares to post-Beatles Paul for me (here comes the onslaught of Beatles' fans!)

Anyway, this post is really not about Sir Paul although I do love this line: Drink to me, drink to my health, you know I can't drink anymore.

I think I like that song in a "OMG our friend just died and now we're old sort of way"... like that movie with the late-30 somethings/early-40 somethings and their friend kills himself and they all get together and listen to Black music... what the shit is the name of that?

Anyway, this post is about The Jets. The football team (can you believe Dear Readers - two sports posts in a row... yes I'm counting Jack Lalanne as a sports post). Anyway, they lost. And I don't really care. Sure I'm from NY and I live in NY but real New Yorkers like the Giants. The Jets feel like Jersey to me or something. Less than. Like the Mets - watch out! No, I really don't care but I do like that Mark Sanchez (Dirty Sanchez as I like to call him... and if there's anyone I'd like a shit mustache from it would be this guy!)


Anyway, I'm happy for Pittsburgh. Give it to the working class. Give it to the everyman. People have the power! Pittsburgh has always been kind to me Dear Readers so let's drink to that!


Jack Lalanne.

I have no real affinity to him other than that he was famous and made infomercials and I love both.

Plus look at this list... all of the shit we should avoid (2 - 11 are really just derivatives of #1!)

Let's juice for Jack today Dear Readers!


So reader's I've lost another 4 lbs, bringing my total to 8. I'd like to lose 9 more. I think I look thinner, more toned but it's hard to tell. Plus I've stopped taking photos, but things seem to fit better and overall I feel better and have more energy. I guess the workouts have gotten easier. It looks like the next two weeks (tomorrow I'm done with the first two!) are a lot of the pure cardio, cardio circuit and plyometrics, my least favorite. Also, tomorrow is the first pure Ab workout which I'm happy about because I need to get rid of my FUPA.