Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Duck... duck... GOOSE!


Not a good time to be a goose in Brooklyn.




Yowsa!


Christine O'Donnell PAC



This witchy woman is starting a PAC (spell it bitch!). I don't know why. Maybe she's going to run for something? I mean... really? But okay. I may register as a Republican (not sto say I'm not already Dear Readers!) and vote for her in a primary so she can go up against the other candidate(s). I'd love to see her at a debate.


Anyway, she's nuts. She doesn't masturbate. Exsqueeze me?!


This is old news. Here's her PAC letter from her email list:


Dear Supporter,
Your incredible contribution of time and money allowed us to send the establishment a powerful message last year. Our fight is not over as so many patriots like you have sacrificed over the years to keep America great!

You've probably heard about the latest smear on me. The establishment is going to keep attacking and keep trying to destroy those they think might be a threat.


They won't let up.


The Left keeps after me because they consider strong, Republican women a danger to their status quo. Larry Kudlow recently said "the hope of the Tea Party rests with you because this is going to be used to discredit the Tea Party in its entirety."


Bill O'Reilly recognizes the viciousness of the Left's attacks on me. Recently on his program he said "...the press relished attacking you. They relished it. They loved it... they didn't go after Carly Fiorina the way they went after you. It was all personal... They just want to demean you... The old boys don't want to give up their power."


I'm determined not to let them destroy our movement. If I stand alone, though, I'm no match for the liberal media and the political establishment. But, with us standing together to fight, they don't have a chance!


That's why I'm starting ChristinePAC.


ChristinePAC can investigate and counter attack leftwing groups, many funded with one million dollars or more from billionaire leftist George Soros.


A strong ChristinePAC will enable me to counter the liberal-controlled GOP establishment in upcoming Congressional Primaries. Remember, for primary challengers to win, conservatives needs to start organizing now in 2011 - or else candidates who reflect our values won't be able to run an effective 2012 campaign.


Your donation also enables me to speak out in many venues from Coast to Coast, thereby helping support a nationwide effort. This is a way that will help me counter attack our opponents and bring the battle to them.


You have helped me come this far. You have been a true friend. Please help me again with your donation. These are battles that will be won or lost based on how much support and organization our side can put forward right now.


That is why I ask you most urgently to lend your financial support to ChristinePAC.
Make your donation right now.


You are the reason I made a stand for our cause in 2010.


You are the reason that President Obama came to Delaware in late 2010, diverting his attention from other states he could have campaigned in. You are the reason that a frantic White House dispatched Vice President Joe Biden, again and again, to campaign in Delaware to defeat me, who they regarded as their number one opponent.


You are the reason that the largest army - busload after busload - of SEIU labor union and ACORN "paid volunteers" came to campaign in Delaware.


My friend, what you helped me do at the six week long Battle of Delaware 2010, sent shock waves throughout the nation. We can build on what we have accomplished if you will help me again in supporting ChristinePAC.


Sincerely,Christine O'Donnell


P.S. You stood with me and helped me rock the establishment as we defeated in the GOP primary the most liberal Republican in the entire U.S. House of Representatives. Then, you stayed with me as we worked overtime to expose my big-government Democrat opponent as a pawn of the liberal establishment and a puppet of Democrat Senator Harry Reid.


Now, keep up your commitment. I pray you will send your immediate and generous donation as you have done before. Your dollar will help us fight back and continue to get the message out. Click HERE to contribute securely.


Here's the original:


Dear Anti-Me-People:


As we speak I am roasting some chicken testicles on your head. I will fuck your ass up with some crazy ass magic shit. You think Voldemoort is bad news... ha!


Also, Lisa Kudrow told me that I am the TEA PARTY. I'm not you! I'm the mother-fucking TEA PARTY BITCH!


And Bill O'Reilly told me that you people don't like me! I'll show you!


FUCK YOU!


Love,


Chrissy!


Dear Readers - I'm confused again... there was a Battle of Delaware in 2010? Who won? Where is this place? And who was fighting? I'm sorry but there was a Battle... in Delaware? Homo say what?


Also, her PAC is going to investigate George Soros? With her Army of Soldiers from The Battle of Delaware? Maybe if she can use her black magic and resurrect all of the "Little Americans" that have been aborted since 1973 she could get a real army together and take us all down! OOOOH. Watch out!


She talks about the "liberal-controlled GOP establishment". She's just fuckin' retarded! That doesn't even make sense... so all of these Republicans who are trying to get rid of a health care bill and stop abortions from happening are liberals? Who the shit is conservative?


"You have helped me come this far. You have been a true friend." I'm sorry hon, but usually true friends are those people we've met, they've held our kids, come to our weddings, been with us in our time of need. They are not the retarded old people in this place called Delaware (?) that you put your witchy ways on and made them vote for you with your anti-jerking off rhetoric. Clearly you've never had a true friend. Sad. I think Severus Snape is free.


Dear Readers... ugh!

Save Vern Troyer NOW!


"Rep. Trent Franks (R-Ariz) said the current debate is about whether the federal government's role "to fund a practice that continues to take the lives of over 1 million little Americans every year."'
Please, find it in your hearts to save all of the Little People this year. We should not be killing them simply because they are vertically challenged. Little Americans, Big Americans, Skinny and Fat Americans all deserve the same opportunities. So please, find it in your hearts to give to The Interlopere. We are working on behalf of all Little Americans across the globe.
Okay, but seriously Dear Readers. This shit is some fucked up, well, shit. Let's go through some of the key points that these Republicans are trying to pass in the House (and yes I know this isn't going to go anywhere but it's still mother fucking outrageous!).
Let's start with the title of one of the bills. The "No Taxpayer Funding for Abortion Act". Awesome. I'll support this shit because with the money I save from the "No Taxpayer for Fucking Dumb Senseless War Act" I'll get all of my friends, enemies, crack whores and sluts abortions with my extra savings. Hell, I'll even do it through my pre-tax flexible spending account at my job. Oh wait...
This bill "would forbid women who use a flexible spending plan to use pre-tax dollars for abortions." Hmmm... well, that's okay, right? Because the money that could have been spent - the individuals, hard-earned, personal money - well, maybe we can just take that and get every heterosexual asshole fuck who is proposing this shit (and all of their followers) vasectomies so that their demon seed isn't spread anyway. FUCK YOU!
But really. I mean, we can live with all of this... can't we? Are we not men? Oops. Wait. Some of us are not men. Well, okay... um, guess it sucks to be you with a womb!
That bill, that gorgeous, sprawling bill is sponsored by Rep. Christopher H. Smith (R. NJ) - insert your own New Jersey joke here - and "narrows the definition of rape to "forcible rape".' I mean, that seems fair right. I can't tell you the number of rape victims I know where it has not been forced. I mean what women - or man - for that matter doesn't want to raped every now and then?
Susie: Hey Girl! How was your weekend?
Tanisha: Damn Susie it was okay. Got myself raped!
Tanisha and Susie high five

Susie: Girl, you so lucky! I haven't been raped in years honey... got my abortion when I could.
Tanisha: And you know what... wasn't even forcible... shit was just coerced.
Susie: Shiiiit. Tanisha. You got all the luck. Next thing you know you gonna be pregnant and get yourself a rape baby. Then you're going be coming to me and telling me you got AIDS.
Tanisha: MMM. hmmm.... don't front Susie.
Can you imagine how many women in this country will sing the praises of such legislation and language! OH, we will all be marching in the streets! GLORIOUS! HALLELUJAH! PRAISE BE TO WHITE MEN!
Oh, I found this stupid definition on Dictionary.com (but don't trust this shit because you know how lefty and unreliable Dictionaries, read: Obama Socialism Health Care Death Panels can be.
Rape: Any act of sexual intercourse that is forced upon a person.
I mean, get Bill Clinton as your lawyer because that son of a bitch will fuck "act" and "is" up beyond recognition! Let's just hope he doesn't get it pregnant because soon you're going to have to carry that shit around with you.
Another fun provision would be that "the bill would also permit hospitals to refuse abortions to women, even in emergency situations, if such care would offend the conscience of the health care providers." And who can really argue with this? I mean, we don't want our doctors and nurses to do anything that would offend them...
Shit, that baby born with HIV to a drug-addled mom? Double offense! You're on your own lady!
Hey you, Alzheimer patient! My concsience is offended that you can't remember my name and you keep on shitting the bed! I'm outta here!
Cancer? I'm offended you smoked mother fucker! Good luck! Intubate this asshole!
Michelle Bachmann's (R - Minn) PAC and chair of the House Tea Party caucus sent an email this week saying that "53 million lives have been snuffed out at abortion clinics around our nation since 1973". Coincidentally this is the year my sister was born... hmmmmm?
I don't get the Tea Party. Aren't they for less government. Are they almost Libertarians? Don't they want to stay out of my private life? I'm confused Dear Readers. I guess I'll go get unforcibly raped. And then I won't abort it. That's sure to clear things up.

Dry


Dear Readers -

As PJ Harvey's new record quickly approaches the stores (what stores? where in the shit does one even find a GD record store anymore - oh yes! Bleeker Street or the WB) - I am reminded of my lack of drinking over this past month. It's been great. And sucky. And mostly sucky in the beginning and since that pretty much all great. Even in social settings. There has been the occasional comment, anxious stare, "OH MY GOD ARE YOU JUDGING ME BECAUSE YOU THINK I'M DRINKING TOO MUCH" feeling but that's on you Dear Readers, not me. The truth of the matter is, I don't give a shit how much you drink. I love it. And for the first time in a long time I can remember how much you drink. Yes! On my end there have been solid BMs, perfect sleep patterns, energy and oh yes! lots and lots of seltzer and tea.

What I've discovered Dear Readers - and what has been most difficult - is the lack of ritual not involved in not drinking. What does what drink with their medium-rare steak? I'm having mussels and no white wine? It's 5PM where is my G & T? What I've learned to do is replace, replace, replace. Steak - make it a double... seltzer with lime. G & T? How about Paris Tea... oh yeah, and add a splash of original, non-fat almond milk in that. 5PM? I'll take that double espresso, uh-huh (her?) and throw in that lemon wedge. Doesn't matter, I'm going to sleep like a baby anyway. 9PM and the night's winding down. I'm crawling in my bath drinking my calm and reading the latest (way too long) expose on Scientology in The New Yorker. It's all good, Dear Readers... for me...

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Slow Newsday


Famke Janssen Will Bewitch "Hansel And Gretel"


In other news... Famke Janssen, still alive!

By The Interlopere

Published: February 8, 2011

This Isn't Going to Help Those Rumors


George Clooney and Nicholas Kristof hold each other and tell us about their scary experiences with Malaria. I mean... if all it takes is to catch something in order to espouse advice step right up to my STD clinic ladies and gentlemen... I'm open for business!

http://kristof.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/02/08/george-clooney-answers-your-questions-about-malaria/?hp

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Would this guy do anything shady? Not Marty! Not on my watch! Mr. Markowitz has been fined for using his chief of staff as his lawyer for a house sale. It's not like his chief of staff isn't a lawyer! I mean, it's not like that time I impersonated my boyfriend's lawyer so that I could get a refund from Priceline.com because he booked a hotel room by the airport in Shreveport, LA even though we were going to New Orleans. I mean, come on!

Plus his chief of staff had to take over after his first lawyer was gave birth. Sweet Jesus this is sexist too! SAVE MARTY NOW! It's not like he was paying his nanny to work his coop shift: http://www.fuckedinparkslope.com/home/cool-or-not-cool-having-your-nanny-do-your-coop-shift.html... see you in the Linewaiters' Gazette! Can you imagine the embarrassment when all the denizens of 7th Avenue find out their upstairs neighbor thought of this first? ("Fuck, why am I slumming it with all those patchouli-wearing hippies when I could have just sent Maria? I'm going to Whole Foods! Fuck it!") Park Slopers are still pissed because they can only get Spanish-speaking nannies because their Upper East Side counterparts hire all of the French speakers, read: white. ("If they speak Spanish they're only allowed as far as my car! And only when I'm not in it!").

Anyway, I'm sad because it appears Marty may have messed up. I don't believe it though. Not one bit.

Meryl As Maggie


Enough said!


Monday, February 7, 2011

RIP Mary Cleere Haran


Dear Readers - I don't know who this woman is. Or at least I didn't. She was a cabaret performer and what strikes me - no pun intended - as so sad is that she was killed by a car "coming out of a driveway." Sad. She was very young.

Let's hope she'll sprinkle some pennies from heaven on all of us.

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/02/06/arts/music/06haran.html?hpw

Intermission


Dear Readers - The Interlopere has finished ACT I of Insanity. Tomorrow I begin my Recovery Week and Core Cardio and then it's on to Max Interval Training. At this rate I'm going to look like this after:

I'm going to need some waxing help!

Cancer Schmancer?


The Hell you say! According to this article: http://newsfeed.time.com/2011/01/13/horoscope-hang-up-earth-rotation-changes-zodiac-signs/ in Time Magazine our astrological signs have shifted. I'll be damned if I'm going to be some Tommy Two-Face messed up Gemini. Cancer 4 LYFE. To quote

Shannon I: i refuse to indulge in this hullabaloo. as far as i am concerned, it's total malarkey.
i am a cancer for life. long live leftie cancerians!!!!!

Amen Sista!

You've Got Mail


Dear Readers -

AOL has just purchased the Huffington Post for $315,000,000. I would like to start by saying that The Interlopere is for sale, always, everyday in every way. And we've already worked for AOL as the Arts & Entertainment editor so Arianna Huffington can suck it!

But let me ask this. Not only will she maintain control of the Post she will also take control of other content including Moviefone and MapQuest ("Turn left. No right turns here.")

This is an attempt to make America Online more content relevant. And I say, there is nothing more relevant than a middle-aged millionaire socialite!

Ms. Huffington's recent book - which I did not read - "Third World America" should give us some sense of what kind of lady she is. Of course America is third world to her. She exists in a place filled with champagne enemas, Corinthian leather panties and Gwyneth Paltrow. I mean, Wal*Mart (and those who shop there) must seem like some tribe of people known only to those who read National Geographic.

So Kudos! AOL on your great choice to reach out to people and engage them with your content!

Next up on Moviefone: The Arianna Huffington Story, starring Jennifer Aniston.

Balderdash!


"You grew your hair so I grew mine." - Arcade Fire

Dear Readers - it's not too often that The Interlopere waxes philosophic but this is my time. It struck me after a rousing round of board games with some close friends on Saturday night that we are all a bit static in our interpretations and understandings of one another. Or, perhaps better said, our expectations. We all have strong opinions and even stronger personalities. Most of them are incredibly progressive/left-leaning/liberal/fill-in-your-own-word-here.

I was doing a training last week and we were talking about crisis and we start said training by defining it. Very textbook. A period that is defined by turmoil... social, political, etc. I used Egypt as an example and someone yelled out "That's not a crisis it's a revolution!". Yes. But why can't it be both? And in fact, isn't it both? Fixed ideas. I thought of my own friend base and how they would probably have the same reaction which would ultimately lead to a spirited debate/argument which may or may not leave some bad tasting mouths.

People get married and people stop drinking and people move to other parts of the country and everyone has an opinion. People get freaked out. People feign support. And ultimately relationships change.

We, as humans, pride ourselves on our ability to develop and maintain strong, interpersonal relationships but I have to ask (in my best Sarah Jessica Parker as Carrie Bradshaw voice) "Do we know each other too well and does this lead to us being nasty to one another?" or "Does our ability to freely examine each other, under a microscope, in everyone's presence, lead to feelings of resentment?"

Just a thought on this Monday morning.

We Have A Winner!



So my friend (and Cousin Mary's) Matt came to Brooklyn for the Pinball Hall of Fame or something like that. The Pinball World Championship? The Quidditch World Cup? Who the hell knows? But what I do know is that he came out a winner! Number 1. He won the entire tournament. It took place in the WB on Saturday at some bar that looked like a sausage fest and apparently smelled like a meat locker. Anyway, here's some pictures of Matt with the fruits of his labor.

Friday, February 4, 2011

THE FINAL COLON POST OF THE NIGHT

Dear Readers - this is it. Enjoy and good night!
video

COLON CCCRAZY!

VIDEO #2 ... TURN UP THE VOLUME FOR A REAL TREAT.
video

COLONiC CRAZE

ON VIDEO - If you don't like noises, don't watch any of the following three videos. I've warned you!


video

C-C-C-COLON





PHOTOS-A-GO-GO!

COLON CACCIATORE




MORE PHOTOS... DON'T SAY I DIDN'T WARN YOU!

COLON CONNECTION





MORE PHOTOS: BUYER BEWARE!

CAPTAIN COLON




If you don't want to see photos go away now!

DON'T LOOK ANYMORE. GO AWAY.


POOP ABOUNDS!

Le Colonic, Part Une

Dear Readers - I may never be the seen. And let me tell you I've had lots of things up there, from bed knobs and broomsticks to that lip balm you last last winter to who knows which one of your boyfriends. But this was something else entirely! Whoa. First of all, no one told me where I was supposed to "deposit". I was under the impression that it all came out in the tube that I had to insert myself. My lady laid out a glove, lube and the tube and said "put a little lube in the rectum..." I said "Stop right there! Been here, done that." After inserted and placed on the Colenz I was told I had inserted in "perfectly". I mean, I could teach insertion. So then she massaged my stomach, told me to hold the water in for 25 seconds ("squeeze your butt cheeks") and the release. Well, the floodgates were opened. I couldn't tell if I was shitting on myself, the table, the floor or what. I was very nervous. My lady came in and she asked if I had expelled. Um. Yes. Sorry? She told me to wash, rinse and repeat. So for the next 45 minutes I pooped and pooped and pooped and pooped. And then I pooped some more. Following will be a photo and video montage. Buyer beware. All are graphic; parental supervision is advised.

Live in Concert: Das Racist!


Dear Readers - last night Lawyer Joe and I went to go see a hip hop show at the Highline Ballroom. Before we met at the Chelsea Square Diner where I had a large Greek Salad - don't worry, I didn't eat all of the feta - and he had a cheeseburger. I had green tea, he had Heineken. Then we walked to the Highline Ballroom - not hand in hand Dear Readers! and checked our coats. When we got there Danny Brown was performing. I liked him a lot. He was thin, with a flat ironed mohawk dripping over one side of his face and what appeared to be a flowy, vintage Versace button down atop tight white jeans. He seemed genuinely excited to be there and mentioned that he was used to performing for crowds of 30, nothing this large (I think the venue probably holds only 3 - 400 people max.).

Then Das Racist came out 30 minutes later. Lawyer Joe and I had spirited conversation in between. He had another beer, I had a water (I was really wanting a drink Dear Readers and at one point even told myself I could have a vodka drink because of the caloric content... but I abstained!).

Das Racist came out and put on their bratty bravado. I found it totally charming and effective their whole presences, for me, exists in the in-between: In between hip hop history and future, real and false bravado. They were constantly biting the hand that was obviously feeding them (white people) but that seemed more of a dis towards hip hop purists then of the audience. For me they channeled early Flavor Flav without being overtly political although I think they have a RACIAL message in a world where we are striving to be post-racial. They aslo have this low-fi, DIY aesthetic that I know is very popular this days but I really enjoy it. It makes me feel like I can do it to (see I Want to Start a Band). I really liked the show and was transfixed. I was also happy, however, when Lawyer Joe suggested we leave before the encores to "avoid the rush" because secretly I never love live shows. I don't know why.

I think it's because I always want to be involved or something. Lawyer Joe had a good point. Why do we all stand there, static, when there is a great DJ and we could all be dancing. My answer: It's a celebrity obsessed culture and we don't want to miss anything so we want to stare at the stage through our camera phone so we can post this on YouTube five minutes later. I'm guilty of the same although I don't know how to do that. But I do want to watch them like a car crash.

Just putting this t-shirt up again because I still want it. In case any of you Dear Readers, are feeling gifty this holiday season.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

The Interlopere at the Movies


Dear Readers -

In between work and meeting Lawyer Joe for our man date (more on this later) I saw a little film called No Strings Attached starring the Kutch and Black Swan. Now I never understand why anyone other than Demi Moore would want to make a movie with the Kutch and at this point she seems to be the only one who has resisted. I was at the 2nd day of the Spread with the Kutch and Anne Heche and let me tell you the sex in that movie made Showgirls look like the video you had to watch in 6th grade health class about getting your period and a stir in your pants when a pretty girl walked by. I didn't fit into either category. This was the beginning of me feeling VERY special.

Back to the movie: who buys this shit? No one talks like this. And do the studios get together and figure out which studio will take that one and which will take this one? I mean, this movie could have been called Love and Other Drugs Minus the Stupid Disease That No One is Buying Just Because Your Hand Trembles Every Now and Then. So does mine, it's called being hungover.

Also, what is with the shitty trend of making these women relationship haters? Is this some 18th-wave Feminist bullshit that screenwriters think that we want to believe? That "independent woman" somehow means "grumpy whore"?

And then the other part - and perhaps - most obvious - is why bother? We all know how this shit ends. With Black Swan molting and the Kutch trying to so hard to push out tears while thinking about what Grandma Moore's knees looked like pre-surgery. I mean, cut the shit already.

Perhaps to add insult to injury, these movies, without fail, have great supporting actors with absolutely nothing to do. Watching poor Greta Gerwig pretend to be interested in anything (or anyone) in this movie was painful. And Kevin Kline as the Kutch's father who steals his girlfriend... he got the role of the horny old lady only the (lady) screenwriter thought it clever to make him a man. Not clever. Lame. Stupid.

And shockingly - or not so I suppose - is the audience at my 5:40 screening on 34th Street ate this shit up! They were laughing when they were supposed to and many times there were audible gasps when the Kutch would be shirtless. He's Vince Vaughn waiting to happen people. They only difference is that Grandma Moore will keep him propped up on Botox so that when they stand next to each other at premieres (the only thing she does these days other than tweet from ruins) she won't look so bizarre.

Skip this shit and instead rent Going the Distance with Drew Barrymore and Justin Long. It's one of the better romantic comedies I've ever seen.

ALL HAIL THE QUEEN!


Welcome to Follower #23!

Victoria!

We Bring Good Things To Light...


Or bad things. Or just ignore the obvious and do things like below.


Dear Readers as Ronnie's 100th approaches I will be posting many things about the man, the myth... oh shit, I forgot again. I am obsessed with President Ronald Reagan. He was an actor. He hung out with a lot of famous people. He hosted Princess Diana and John Travolta and they were all swishy on the dance floor. (Who's zoomin' who?).


I read Dutch. I put his son's new memoir on hold at the Brooklyn Public Library. I've read Dutch.


Anyway, GE, that global energy company which happens to own NBC/Universal (unless Comcast does now...I can't keep up) is celebrating him and his legacy. See more here: http://www.ge.com/reagan/?kmed=ppc


From Forbes.com: Then in 1980, as now, there was change at that time with the election of President Ronald Reagan, whose signature energy policy was focused first on ending national fuel price controls, and in general on deemphasizing energy as a special or unique issue preferring the "native American genius, not arbitrary federal policy, to be free to provide for our energy future." Perhaps his notably ignominious energy policy was his failed attempt to abolish the Department of Energy.

I wonder what GE thought of him then? Bygones.


Heinz should certainly be celebrating his legacy. And Hunt's too... are they even around? Catch up!



Happy Birthday Ronnie!


Dear Readers - this Sunday (Superbowl Sunday GOOOO STEELERS!) would be President Ronald Reagan's 100th birthday. In honor of this there is much fanfare happening around the country. From The New York Times: Along with the requisite speeches and academic panels, the festivities include: a Rose Parade float, a six-foot-high cake, commemorative stamps and jelly beans, a Beach Boys concert, a tribute from the Jonas Brothers and a video homage at the Super Bowl, which is also on Sunday. The memorials, including a 21-gun salute and a graveside wreath-laying by Nancy Reagan, are expected to draw hundreds of former aides and supporters.


May I also suggest a showing of the AIDS Quilt because without President Reagan we wouldn't have such a beautiful and large tapestry of dead people. And I would also like to introduce the official Arms for Hostages Commemorative plate, each one numbered and signed by Oliver North. And let's not forget... oh shit, I forgot...


The full article here:




I can only imagine Sarah Palin is shaving her pubic hair in the shape of a jelly bean in preparation for Sunday.


And let's not forget Pretty Nancy Reagan. The original Lady in Red.

Insanity Update

Dear Readers -

I know you've all been dying to know how my Insanity workout starring Mr. Shaun T. is going. So here is my official update. Today I completed day 24. I've definitely lost weight. At last check it was about 8 lbs. I'll check again today. While I don't even come close to having a six pack I have lost my Heineken mini keg and can once again fit into my Tankini (TM) with ease (this does not take into account all of the waxing I'll have to do!).

The workouts are definitely getting more doable and I would say that I'm addicted. I am sticking to my diet, really sticking to it and have not had a drink since January 9th or a complex carbohydrate (or any real cheese) since then either.

I have about 4 more days of my first month and then I start my recovery week and then go into month two will all of the MAX stuff. I'm scared for that because all of the workout are longer. I feel like at 45 minutes I'm already at capacity, but we'll see... I will soldier on!

I definitely have more energy and feel better in my body than I have in a long long time. Although I would really like a cold beer. I have no interest in any other alcohol but do have dreams of a tall frothy Guiness. But alas, only 36 more days. 36!!!!!

For the rest of the day I'm eating no meat and no carbohydrates in preparation for my colon hydrotherapy tomorrow evening. Can't wait! I'll keep you posted Dear Readers.

Ye Olde Tymes



HIZZAW!

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Gross!






Today on the subway this man, this perpetrator violated me and all other passengers by biting his nails, ripping them off and then spitting them or throwing them on the floor of the subway. Yuck. I yelled at him and followed him throughout Union Square as he ran away from me. These photos are the proof that nastiness is everywhere! NASTY.

Drs. Visit


G'Day Dear Readers - This is Julian Assange here. I've got an update on me WikiLeak but first, listen about me doctor's appointment. Blimey.


Okay Dear Readers - not Julian Assange! but I think I can do it, even with the Australian accent!


Anyway, I went to Dr. Stacey Silvers today, an ENT & Facial Plastic Surgery Specialist. There was one guy in there with sunglasses and a weak chin (good idea bud!) and some other girl who looked like Marsha Brady after being hit with the football. Needless to say, I was not there for plastic surgery. They did however give me a form to fill out asking, on a scale of 1 - 4 if I was interested in any of the following surgeries for "trouble" areas, including liposuction, tummy tuck, etc. I put a big fat 0 and then in the margins asked if I looked fat??? I was seen by Dr. Sapphic Silvers, um, I mean, Stacey Silvers and had a cotton swab inserted into my nose followed by a camera to look at my throat. Dr. Stacey Degeneres, I mean Silvers then told me that I have Silent Reflux and need to continue to take my Prilosec for the next 3 weeks until I see her again. Jane Lynch then walked me out to see Wanda Sykes at reception where I scheduled an additional appointment. Also Dr. Rosie O'Silvers said "bullshit" which I appreciated. I love her!

Nobel Peace Prize


Sadly Dear Readers my nomination was lost in the mail or some shit but WikiLeaks did score a nomination. This is a bigger surprise than Obama's win last year. Or Pia Zadora Golden Globe win in the '80s.


I personally love WikiLeaks and Julian Assange and as I've asserted before Hollywood I want to play him in the movie version. But can we lose the Australian accent? Not sexy... G'day!


Anway, here's a bunch of news on the Nobel:


Product Placement


Dear Readers -

I want to tell you about two beauty products I have been using and two which I think have turned back time. They are both Kiehl's products. The first is Facial Fuel: Healthy Bronze, Energizing Gradual Tan Moisturizer for Men. It promises me that it "helps to improve skin tone and radiance for a long weekend, bronzed look!" Considering that most of my long weekends consist of sick days on Mondays and Tuesdays because I'm so hungover this is a welcome change Dear Readers. Let me know if it looks like I've been weekending in St. Barths or even the Catskills (the Jewish part!).

The second product I've been using is Midnight Recovery Concentrate meant to "Visibly Restore the Appearance of Skin by Morning." Now the wording there is a little off as I'm quite sure I appear to have skin at night when I go to to bed, but we get the gist, non Dear Readers? Anyway, I do think it's taken me down a couple, 2 or 3 years. Maybe I look like I'm pushing 25 now?

This is my beauty advice for the day Dear Readers. Kiehl's.