Wednesday, April 20, 2011
I think it's great that McDonald's is doing this. 50,000 jobs in one day. I think the more a company can make their employees feel like cattle the better. I'm sure that new employees, first time job seekers, retirees and retarded folks will be made to feel extra special (sauce) when hired en masse. And they'll really get the training they deserve in order to place two all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese on a toasted sesame seed bun. Beef, bun, special sauce? Sounds like my post-Seder celebration last night. Ow!
I wonder if Veg News is pissed? We should all get jobs at McDonald's, and then mail tons of burgers left over at the end of the night to the offices of Veg News and say "Photoshop this MOFO!"
Okay - so I've tried to avoid this subject altogether because I just hoped it wouldn't happen. I can't even begin to explain the anger I feel over this fucking Pay Wall. So this is my open letter to Arthur Sulzberger Jr:
Dear Mr. Sulzberger Jr:
I buy your newspaper in print form often. I would subscribe if I knew you could get it to me in my fourth floor walk up in Crown Heights but good luck fighting of the rats who will nibble on it for their nests. What am I supposed to do? Do you not care about me? About poor people in general? People who can't afford a door man or an apartment outside of Breukelen? I even buy the international edition when I summer abroad. And I know that's the off season to summer in Paris but it's all I can afford. You should be paying me!
Now you want me to pay for a digital subscription? I'm sorry, is this some plot out of a Philip K. Dick novel? I am not in the future. I'm right here. And the amount of traffic I drive to your sight from mine, I'm sure, far outweighs whatever articles I'm reading. And now you tell me I have article left for free this month and I'm forced to choose between Maureen Down and Gail Collins?! Don't make me do it. I have mommy issues. You are a bad, bad man Sulzberger Jr.
But wait! I'm a Jr. too. Please dear G-d don't limit my article count. What the shit am I supposed to read at work? MSNBC? Ugh. Who am I? Rachel Maddow?
I even saw that Bill Cunningham movie and thought how nice you were to throw him a birthday party. I know times are tough at the Times. That is of course, why you moved into that fancy new building on 42nd Street and then had to sell a lot of it off. I'm sure you're tightening your belt as well. Maybe I'll see you in Paris this August? Kidding. I'm sure you'll be in East Hampton. Or ... gasp... West Hampton?! Times are tough.
I mean, don't fuck with the First Lady - she's one step away from Oprah and you know who Oprah has on speed dial - that's right: Jay Z. Don't fuck with these people.
G-d save us all!
Direct TV is starting a new deal with Hollywood and it has theater owners shaking in their polyester burgundy polos and James Cameron is PISSED.
Apparently Direct TV is allowing viewers, starting today, to stream the Adam Sandler/Jen Aniston opus "Just Go With It" directly to their TV after only 60 days in the theater. For $30 the viewer(s) gets unlimited access to the movie for 48 hours.
Now Dear Readers - are you still here or are you all subscribing to Direct TV to get this masterwork? - I saw "Just Go With It" because I had seen everything else and I'm a huge Brooklyn Decker fan and let me tell you - I hope to G-d there's a sequel. Because Aniston needs a pay check to keep her in Merit Ultra Lights and Brooklyn Decker needs a job. Also, Nicole Kidman was in it ?!?! and was so proud of it that she had her name removed from all promotional materials and did no press for it.
This was also a remake of "Cactus Flower" - a charmer of a movie which won Oldie Hawn her only Academy Award (R) for Best Supporting Actress. It co-starred Walter Matthau and Ingrid Bergman.
Anyway, James Cameron is angry about all of this so Direct TV better watch their shit because he will sick some big blue thing with a long tail and have them shove it up Direct TV's ass. Also, the guy who made The Hangover is upset too, saying if he wanted to be a TV director then he would have gone to community college instead of dropping out of Penn State Hazleton. Oooh... You know, becasue The Hangover and all the Will Ferrel shit he directed doesn't play better on the TV anyway. I mean, don't miss The Hangover 2: Hungover in the theater because the fart jokes and tits splashed across the screen play much better 40 feet high.
Okay, full disclosure, I own The Hangover and love it and one time made my two friends (who both share the same name and date but shall remain nameless hint: they're gay!) watch it with me after getting stoned and when asked if "any prostitutes end up in trunks and it's a gag" I told them of course not but failed to mention the whore with the heart of gold and the naked Asian man in the trunk.
Needless to say I left that party early. We've since made up and have plans to take a bath together soon.
I'm happy thing are back to normal with BP. The more campaign contributions they give the better because things were just too confusing when people were pretending like they didn't want their money because it was bad to take it because they just killed all of the shrimp in the Gulf.
Also, after walking home from my Seder last night at chez Gaffney-Moskowitz I saw that gas was $4.07 a gallon. Then I had a dream in which an SUV was prominently featured. Coincidence or TIME LIFE books? I think not.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Today my cats did the following:
started meowing at 4:30 AM. I was too hungover/still drunk from Pesach to notice. David fed them, hopefully.
Then they slept. And then they ate again right about now. I gave them one can each for Passover and because of the Veg News scandal. I want to spread the meat right now. I heard the publisher of VN on NPR and he said, after being a total nasthole to Melissa Block say "eat seitan, save a cow" and I was like shut the mother fuck fuck up. Mother fucker.
then they ran around for about ten minutes. Pierre smelled a spot on the carpet that was plant juice. I also saw Pierre poop. I think Paco is sleeping now. And probably Pierre too.
I may feed them another can before seder tonight. Just to piss off the vegans!
A: Who reads Veg News? B: Why does anything vegan have to be so fucking cutesy... Veg News. How about you suck my vagina, Vag News!?
So here's the "scandal" that has enraged vegans from coast to coast. They're protesting by not wearing any deodorant... oh wait. Nevermind. They are pissed!
Apparently Veg News - just the name makes me want to shove bacon in my ass (not on Passover The Interlopere!). Okay so Veg News (ugh.) used stock photos. That they then photoshopped the meat out of them. For a seitan rib they used actual pork ribs but photoshopped the bones out of it so that they resembled seitan?
I'm confused Dear Readers. I mean, why use fucking seitan at all? If you're not going to eat meat then don't. But instead you make some bullshit wheat meat (that will block the fuck out of your joints and give you Candida in the time it takes me to drink bacon juice cooked in lard) to taste like meat? I'm confused still. Why not just make some brussel sprouts (are they Belgian?) and sprinkle some cayenne on them and call it spicy sprouts?! Steven Sprouts!? Spicy Steven Sprouts? RIP STEVEN.
I was vegan once, when I was unemployed. With two friends. We lived off of vegan cheesesteaks, my unemployment checks, weed, beer and Sex and the City Seasons 1 -3 on VHS from the Philadelphia Public Library. We also slept outside, on the floor of the living room and had really bad gas.
One time around this period I found a Viagra on the floor of a used bookstore and took it and had an erection for days. I also thought I was pissing myself every five seconds. Good times.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Donald Trump is really trying. I don't think Obama mentioned "the whites" or "the Asians" or "those other people that are a shade lighter than me that are always in the kitchen of every restaurant I eat in... even pizza joints" once. We should be celebrating this. Go! The Donald, Go!
Friday, April 15, 2011
Now you have to go and cancel my soaps?
I'm sorry, but what the shit is Grandma Betty supposed to do between the hours of 1 to 3 now? WHAT WILL SHE WATCH WHILE FALLING ASLEEP SMOKING IN HER BARCA LOUNGER ASKING - IN HER BEST HARVEY FIERSTEIN - HENRY CAN YOU GET ME SOME BRANDY?
I mean, seriously. I remember on One Life to Live when Vicki was Nicki and Nicki was Vicki and Tina had to leave the show because she had a stalker in real life and then she came back many years later and time was not kind to her. Oh. And then they lived in some city of gold or some shit. But it was good.
And what about La Lucci. All My Children? All She Has. Has anyone thought about her? Maybe she'll replace Reege? I guess she can always go to Lifetime Television for Women and play someone's psychotic 3rd wife? Or host a reality show on OWN?
This is too depressing for me to even handle this early on a Friday. I don't want to be the one to break this to Grandma Betty. It could kill her. I'm going to send her a letter and hopefully the post office will lose it.
ABC sucks. I blame Michael Eisner and Barbara Walters. I think they both killed Peter Jennings.
At least this will breathe some life into the otherwise stale Linn's Stamp News!
And the Post Office wonders why everyone emails?! It's because of mistakes like this. Although I do love to send a letter.
I know I've offered contests before Dear Readers on The Interlopere but this time I'm serious! The first person to get me Gwynnie's cookbook will get a free rub of lotion on his/her taint. (See previous post).
Here's the review from The Atlantic, who coincidentally just sent me a renewal notice. Little do they know - apparently - that I already renewed at the preferred members rate of $5 for one year. This offer was $24.95... I said "ATLANTIC DO YOU NOT KNOW I AM A PREFERRED MEMBER?!" (Done in my best Jesse Jackson voice - talk about a preferred member?! ba-dah-bump!)
"By a conservative estimate, it would take a cooking novice $450 and five days' shipping time to acquire the "essential" ingredients of Gwyneth Paltrow's pantry. It would cost an additional $1300 to upgrade a standard kitchen to one with all her "essential tools," such as earthenware bowls, butcher block countertops, Global knives, a Vitamix blender, and a Le Creuset Dutch oven. That's before you get anywhere near the organic duck." It seems outrageous that this reviewer things these things ARE NOT necessities. David loves a Dutch Oven and so do I quite frankly. We play this game every night before bed and right after I rub ointment on his taint - I Can't Stop! (Jesse Jackson voice again!)
"One evening when I had my wood-burning stove going I realized I hadn't thought of dessert." I'm sure this was taken out of context, right? And if not, it's really hard to think of dessert when your organic duck bacon is potentially burning because your personal chef had to pull double duty because only one of the nannies could show up and Christy Turlington Burns and Kate Capshaw are demanding their Braggs-soaked, grass-fed, hand watered, Kosher for Passover, organic, local, slow Trout Almondine. Come on people! Can we not sympathize?
"We're left with celebrity chef Mario Batali's instructions in the forward: "The best way to truly understand this book? Take the Perfect Roasted Chinese Duck recipe (page 179) and follow the careful instructions to the T. Eat it with some people you love." ' Dear Readers - did I ever tell you I met Monsieur Batali and asked him about Gwynnie... He was covered in powdered sugar and said "More food for me" - no lie (okay, totally taken out of context). Anyway, after I met him someone told me he has a penis shaped like a fingerling potato. YUMMY.
Good morning Dear Readers!
I don't know where to begin... there's so much in this little gem below. First of all did he run out after making these allegations public and go to the closest Glamor Shots? Or maybe he just had this photo around, waiting to see the light of day?
I'm a firm believer that the good Reverend is probably a pervert and probably not nice to work for. But hello! It's called a boss. Granted my boss has never asked me to rub some lotion on his taint but I'm not sure it falls outside of the scope of my duties. The full article is below but I'll pull out the gems Dear Readers.
"Bennett... says that his sexual orientation was known throughout the workplace primarily because of his side job: being "Aruba Tommy" on the nationally syndicated radio talk program The Tom Joyner Morning Show." I'm sure it was his being Aruba Tommy that gave away his orientation. Not the aforementioned Glamor Shot that he has set as his desktop and that he also happens to give away every year at Christmas. And what the shit kind of name is Aruba Tommy? How does that out him as gay? I mean, I'm sure when I refer to myself as Bahama Richie at work everyone is whispering behind my back that I must be a homo. FYI - I'm stealth in the workplace. No one knows. Shhhh.
"However, the most explosive charges revolve around Jackson himself. First, Bennett claims that at an all-staff meeting in 2008, he requested an LGBT-themed table for the national convention—and was flatly denied. When Bennett questioned why there could not be a table, Jackson allegedly "cursed at Mr. Bennett in front of all of the staff, and Rev. Jackson was visibly upset during the rest of the meeting." 'Hmmmm... This is called a job. And a boss. What happens in Aruba Tommy's world? He and his bosses hold hands while talking about how to booth at next Sunday's Really Fabulous Bake Off?
Bennett also claims that he had to escort women to Jackson's room and "clean up his room after sexual intercourse with women. Mr. Bennett believes he was forced to do these tasks due to his sexual orientation," adding that he had to escort women to such places as the Sheraton Hotel in New York and the Wynn Hotel and Resort in Las Vegas. Bennett claims that he let Jackson know that he "was uncomfortable cleaning up his hotel rooms, escorting women to his hotel room, being summoned to his hotel room after hours or packing his clothes." This just makes little to no sense to me. Is it a stereotype that queers are good cleaners? Why was he chosen for this job? It kind of seems like a promotion or something? Right? Maybe he kept his cubicle extra clean? Also, is anyone shocked that the good Reverend was consistently dipping his pinky into 31 Flavors of pussy? I mean... he's a man! He's the man Bill Clinton sought council from when he couldn't get enough of M. Lewinsky. He talked Hillary down. It's the REVEREND JESSE JACKSON - Jackson, Jesse, I've got a son in me - Cat Power.
"Things reached an apex (no kidding!) later in 2008, when Bennett says he "was summoned to Rev. Jackson's hotel room" at the Hilton Chicago O'Hare Airport Hotel. Bennett claims that he was eventually instructed to apply cream to Jackson, who "had a rash between his legs." Bennett says that he refused, resulting in Jackson allegedly calling Bennett a "little motherfucker." ' Now this one is gross. After poor Aruba Tommy - *does Tom Cruise keep a residence in Aruba and/or have a predilection for black men with beards that look like the 8th hole at Pebble Beach* - had to bring ladyfriends to the good Reverend and then clean up their mess in the room now he has to clean up the mess in between the good Reverend's nutsack? This is really where it breaks down for me. Why on God's green Earth would you do that? I would have pulled out my smart phone, photographed the fuck out of that shit and put it on my Tweeter Wall ASAP. Um... yuck.
"Bennett then states that another time at the same hotel, Jackson summoned him at 1 a.m. to take notes. The complaint states, "When Mr. Bennett arrived, Rev. Jackson was dressed only in his briefs and a v-neck t-shirt." Bennett alleges Jackson was sexually excited. Asked by Windy City Times how he came to this conclusion, Bennett said, "I could tell by his look. His whole demeanor had changed. His breathing pattern had changed." ' Did the good reverend suddenly develop Gay Face? What kind of look? Also, he's in his briefs! What did that look like? His breathing pattern changed because you entered the room Aruba Tommy, flitting about in your dashiki with nothing on underneath but the aroma of cream I asked you to spread on my taint the last time you came into my hotel room! It's called filing a complaint the first time and getting the fuck out of there!
' "Before Mr. Bennett left, Rev. Jackson stated that white folks took the word 'gay' and gave the word its own definition." I'm not even sure I know what this means but I totally love it. I gave the word its own definition just like gays invented the duvet, Chablis and quiche. This seems on par given the good Reverend's love of other groups: the Jews (Get me to Hymietown!) - FYI in full force right now as the Passover Minivan drives up and down my street. I keep on running out thinking it's Mr. Softee. But alas ain't no soft serve in that van.
Who knows what to believe. I'm sure the good Reverend is a God-Fearing, Homo Loving Saint and that Aruba Tommy just happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time, over and over and over and over again. God Save the Queen.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
I had to do an Internet search to remember why I love Gwynnie and I found it at the link below. I do love her, no matter what I say on here. And she deserves to be loved. She's a complicated woman. Stop hating her. Trying to watch this video on this stupid computer at home was like trying to be in chat rooms circa 1994 on Aunt Shannon's AOL dial-up: FRUSTRATING.
I don't think this is Gwynnie but it's on the Internet so it must be true.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
First of all I would like to start off by saying I absolutely, 100%, no way in Hell do I even come close to believing this. She must have a movie coming out or Country Strong is going to be on Reelz following part 14 of The Kennedys starring Katie Holmes as Jackie Kennedy Onassis. Who the shit cast that FYI? The only job that person should be allowed to do is massage the hair plugs back into John Travolta's head. I'm outraged. It's an outrage. It's outrageous.
From Gwynnie: "One of my most negative qualities is this perfectionism that I have, - OKAY LET'S STOP HERE. THIS IS WHAT YOUR VOC/ED TEACHER TELLS YOU WHAT TO SAY WHEN YOU DO THE CAREER FAIR AT BOCES: I GUESS, WELL, MY WORST QUALITY IS TO JUST LET GO AND NOT REALLY PUT IN ALL OF THAT OVERTIME. OKAY. FUCK YOU. and I think that I unconsciously project that because it comes from self-doubt and insecurity, and that's the ironic part," she told USA Today. NO ONE READS USA TODAY (CLEARLY I DO. SHUT UP.) IF SHE HAS INSECURITIES SHE IS DIVULGING THEM TO THE PEOPLE THAT STAY AT LA QUINTA INN BECAUSE THEY READ USA TODAY BECAUSE IT IS FREE OUTSIDE OF THEIR DOOR. NO PERSON CHOOSES TO READ THIS. NO ONE ACTUALLY BUYS IT. NO REPORTING ACTUALLY HAPPENS. IT'S BASICALLY THE PRE-CURSOR TO THE BLOG. IT'S THE PRINTED VERSION OF THE BLOG. "I'm so deeply flawed. I'm just a normal mother with the same struggles as any other mother who's trying to do everything at once and trying to be a wife and maintain a relationship. IF BY NORMAL YOU MEAN UPTIGHT MILLIONAIRE WHO HAS A LOT OF HELP AND IS MARRIED TO ANOTHER MILLIONAIRE WITH PROBABLY EVEN MORE HELP AND OH WAIT! WEREN'T YOU BORN TO MILLIONAIRES AND PROBABLY YOURSELF RAISED WITH HELP? HERE'S MY IDEA OF A NORMAL MOTHER: "SHUT UP. AND IF THEY ASK YOU WHO THE CIGARETTES AND BEER ARE FOR JUST POINT TO ME OUT THE WINDOW. I'LL WAVE."
Also, please not where this came from. Yahoo in the mother fucking Philippines. Maybe she's doing a Country Strong promotional tour over there?
I do love her. And GOOP.
If Scientific American is exasperated by this, shouldn't we all be?
Team Interlopere! Goooooooooooooooooooo! Team!
Even Monsieur Bieber is frustrated with Israel... from his tweets (sweet Christ I'm quoting a Tweet from a Twit!)
“They should be ashamed of themselves,” he wrote on Tuesday. “Take pictures of me eating but not in a place of prayer, ridiculous.”(um... exsqueeze me your holiness? can I get a what what?!)
In another Twitter message, he wrote: “i want to see this country and all the places ive dreamed of and whether its the paps or being pulled into politics its been frustrating.” ("all the places ive dreamed of..." hmmm? like the Tel Aviv Gap and Sam Goody? Tell me your dreams... Am I in them - Madonna)
Secretly however I love him and know the entire chorus to his song Baby: Baby, Baby, Baby ooh Baby. I sing it over and over.
Okay, I really do love him. I have the Vanity Fair with him on the cover and every time I'm in my analyst's office I stare longingly at the Rolling Stone with him on the cover.
Jimmy Carter, Bill Clinton... maybe Bieber Fever can solve the Middle East? Maybe if we bring in the Global Ambassadress of Lancome Julia Roberts (Google it) we can take care of Libya while we're at it.