Sunday, September 25, 2011

I'm getting ANNOYED

Because I can't figure out how to format this shit. Hyperlinks, videos, photos. It's like one day I know how and the next day POOF - it's gone!

I need to be able to hyper link. And there's a feature but I don't think it's working.

Park 51 is the new Studio 54
Controversy, schmontroversy. No one cares because all of the nasties are busy licking the sweat off of Rick Perry's hairless nut sack - you know it is! or sucking on the tit of Bachmann. Probably hairless too but no one's seen them for decades. This reminds me of when I asked my mom if I was breast fed.
Me: Mom, was I breast fed?
Mom: I don't want to talk about it.
I digress. Anyway, my point is that if you wait long enough the douche bag assholes who are so "American" will move on to some other issues that tickles their taints. Viva Park 51!

Let's Call This A REALLY Bad Idea

First of all, I'm reading AM NY. Secondly, who in the shittin' H-E-double hockey sticks decided that adding cell phone service to the subway stations was a good idea? Is this to fight "terrorism"? Because the only thing we're gonna have to be fighting is me attacking those nasty hos with nasally voices who are going to be talking a la Sex and the City 2 about the things sluts talk about. Also, it's these same ladies of the night that shuffle up and down the streets of the Lower East Side in heels they cannot walk in - watch RuPaul's Drag Race ladies and learn a thing or two! - and are screaming about I-don't-know-what (and neither do they quite frankly because they're all too drunk from their Jager Bombs, Red Bulls and Adderall) to their boyfriends with big guts who just want to drink more to drown out the whine and pass out so they have a reason for not hiding their dicks in those holes - okay, i'm off topic here.
Think of it. You're standing on the subway platform, trying to mind your own beeswax by listening to Tori Amos Genius playlist while reading Portia De Rossi's Unbearable Lightness (she's a good writer dammit!) through your sunglasses and Vinnie NoNuts is going to be screaming at his poor wife at home in Queens that he's going to be late because "da fuckin' MTA, man... shit's never fuckin' workin' so get off my dick woman... don't you tell me to watch who I'm speakin' at!"
Oh Jesus. Turn up Me and A Gun.

Can't Keep A Good Pussy Down

I am shocked! I thought for sure all of the promotion for his Moneyballs would surely land him back on top (keep your Aniston jokes to yourself perverts!). Okay maybe even more shocking is the fact that Dolphin Tale, the Porpoise Porn starring the otherJudd sister was close behind at No. 3 (again, keep your Aniston jokes to youselves!).


Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Holy Mary Mother of God!

A: Does Rick Perry have a "Dole" arm? Why doesn't it move? Does he save that one for his Heil Hitlers?!

B: What the shit is a mulligan? If this is some weird Christian bullshit I don't want to know about it.

C: "Government injection". Yuck. That sounds gross. And I thought you were a good Christian Bachmann!

D: Okay, seriously. She has to stop talking. Stupid people listen and like to be led. Jenny McCarthy is salivating at this talk. She's telling people that the HPV vaccine makes you retarded... did she get it?

E: Shit. I got a coffee stain on my shirt.

F: Wolf Blitzer is looking a little thin.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Now I'm Embarrassed.

I'm not sure if it's because of these photos or the fact that I scrolled through them all. Okay, all together now: WHAT THE SHIT?!

I have yet to understand why Mr. and Mrs. The Kutch insist on posting all of their private nastiness on the Twitter?! If I wanted to see some old lady bending over in her white panties I would go home to Grandma Betty's for Christmas brunch.

It's great that she and The Kutch have an active new media life but it doesn't make you any younger hon'. Okay? I don't care if you're tweeting this shit from your spaceship on Mars... you're still knockin' on heaven's door. And with a replacement hip to boot.

Listen Dear Readers, I'm not ageist. I think it's great that there are old people - who else are we going to make fun of?. But seriously, I'm kidding. But old people totally need to be around. They can work at McDonald's.

But I mean... this "nude" photo was taken while her bifocals are on. Listen, be nude but don't even try and tell me it's au naturel.
That's the rub. Be natural and nude AND old.

Oh Thank God!

It must be a slow news day because the Biebs is making headlines for wanting to be a "young dad". Shoot for the stars Biebs!

I guess he'll have enough money and I'm sure his level of emotional maturity will just make him the perfect candidate for fatherhood at 25. Let's wait for the drug habit and rehab before we start planning a family okay BIebs? What does Gomez think?

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

I've seen this movie before

And it's called the re-election of George W. Bush.

Quick Obama! Scare me into submission.

Here's my open letter to Mr. Obama:

Dear President Obama -

While I didn't vote for you and never really believed that electing a black president made us post-racial, only post-George W. Bush, I supported you and felt happy when you won. I was at Gavin Brown's Enterprise and, along with all the other art fags, was getting drunk on cheap champagne while watching your victory. Then I returned to my home in Crown Heights, bought some beer, basically got held up after being asked who I voted for ("Who do you think?!") and had to give the guy one of my beers. Shit.
But this is just too much. So Leon Panetta says that another threat of an attack "remains very real". Ooh. I'm scared. Was it not real last year? The year prior? What about your great speech in Germany? Or Egypt? Or Philadelphia about race - did you really have to? This feels like a bit of a wag the dog kind of situation.

Quick bomb Kosovo the intern is sucking my dick. Should we be worried Mr. President? Do you have an intern we need to know about. No, just a re-election. Really lame.

And while I know you have tried to be the Great Uniter stop it. It's embarrassing. Boehner cries and you are there with your grandma's best hankie wiping his snot. STOP.

Obama: Country, I have an important speech to give Wednesday, September 7th.

Boehner: Bitch, that is the republican debate. Think of Fox News.

Obama: Shit. You're right. I'm sorry. Country, I have an important speech to give on Thursday, September 8th.

I mean, grow a pair dude. Now, instead of hearing how you're going to stimulate the economy I have to hear how Rick Perry stimulates his life by living through Christ and Bachmann is forced to stimulate herself because her husband just loves to shop!:

Shopping help comes from another quarter, as well. Before Vice President Dick Cheney's visit this past summer, Bachmann's husband, Marcus, hit the stores -- "he's got a good sense of style" -- and came home with "a sleek, simple hourglass dress with a yoke collar in winter white." He even bought a matching coat and shoes. "I just slipped it on."

Please Mr. President. Stop trying to make nice with the Republicans or Congress. Just do it. Do something. Do anything. GWB got shit done because he sat there with Dick C. and just signed executive order after executive order. I'm not saying I agree with it - but I do wonder what people think about my library lending list? - but come on. Just do it. DO IT DO IT DO IT - Mos Def. Too black for you? Too Muslim?

Of course not! I know the real you. The real you doesn't struggle with gays or abortions. The real you is the one who does believe that all of those honkies are clinging to their guns and religion. The real you is an intellectual aesthete who doesn't want to do shots of Jim Beam - leave that to Hillary I can hear you say - but rather wants to sip a Remy Martin with a water back goddammit!

Please Mr. President - do it for me. Do it for the children.


The Interlopere


Listen Dear Readers - I'm about as excited for the new season of Dancing With the Stars as I am to move in with you after I lose my shirt and am waiting on the bread lines because of my latest venture: see post, previous, but this shit is ceee-razy.

Um. First of all Chaz, shut up. You're not a star, you're not a dancer. You're an activist with an agenda so great! but don't try and fool me. Or rather, don't make me act a fool. Okay. I support you dancing, singing, what the fuck ever but let's be honest: you need a paycheck and you feel great as a man after being trapped as woman for all of those years. Say it loud and proud. Don't dumb it down because 99% of the audience of this show is borderline retarded - yes I'm talking to you Sherry Shepherd:

Oh man. "I'm worried 'bout how I'm gonna feed my son." This is why I always wanted to be famous. You can not know a thing and still get a paycheck - hmmmm... this feels like a theme...

Anyway, back to DWTS. So this American Family Association (read: Michelle Bachman and her brood of foster children) objects to Chaz. FUCK YOU. Did you object to accused and admitted beater Chris Brown when he danced his tired ass across that sound studio? What about when Kirstie Alley - an admitted cocaine (former) addict - shook her pork belly up your face? What about when Kim Kardashian - she of the Ray J my dick looks like an umbrella handle - porn - shook her two ham hocks?

I mean, judge not lest ye be judged mother fuckers because I know you're all sticking a carrot up your husbands' asses every third month when you dust the cobwebs off of your vaginas to 'procreate' because that's the only thing that excites him - other than that watching old episodes of Alias when Jen Garner was bouncing around playing spy.

You Should Go Here Tonight

And buy art. Because if you don't you may have two new house guests with two annoying cats who once had a rampant bed bug infestation.

Go and buy their art.

Continuing Coverage of 9/11

I mean sweet motherfucking Christ. It's like an attack all over again. Listen Dear Readers I know I have to be careful here or else I'll be blogging from Ciudad Juarez with my nut sack where my head once was - to my Chicano brothers and sisters I support you...
I am not a liberator. Liberators do not exist. The people liberate themselves. - Che Guevera.
My biggest regret is that I never got to fuck Che Guevera - Jane Fonda.

Okay. Listen - if I have to hear one more fucking Radio Rookie - which FYI is code for poor kid of color - on WNYC talk about they were in utero, in vitro, in the fucking first grade when 9/11/01 happened I'm going to make David rewatch Body of Evidence 5 more times.

I'm always confused why we have anniversaries for these things. I remember Katie Couric going to Oklahoma City 5 or 10 years after the bombing there to revisit it.

Katie: How does it feel 5 years later?

Um. It feels like fucking shit and you're re-traumatizing me but oh! wait, I can be on the TV? With you? (Katie nods) Holy Shit! I'll cry even if you need me to. Yeah, mom and lil' Johnny died and it was hard but - is this going to be prime time?

Also... I know that George W. Bush and Rudy Giuliani were head of the SS back then but if I have to hear his retard drawl or his faux-gay lisp, respectively, I'm going to make myself watch Body of Evidence five more times.

Can't wait for September 12th.

Speaking of Videos

Okay now that I know how to link a video - it only took me a year! - I just want to post them all day, every day. Now you may be saying, Dear Readers: But you did post those videos of your anal douching. True. But I couldn't figure out how to publish videos from Le Internet. And now I have! Be prepared to be amazed.

Also, I'm almost out of almond milk and a certain mister someone who ran out of yogurt has been drinking it so I mixed it with water. Shhh! Don't tell.

Here's more Grandma Taylor talking about marriage. One of my favorites. And my feeling about all of those gays who were falling over their own lisps to line up and get married. Ugh. Listen I support it - I guess - but come on dudes... there's more to life than this - Bjork.

Not So Fast, Von Ryan

These have always brought me luck...

Now even though La Liz was 200 years old by the time she died (or at least had lived 200 years of life) they continued to show this video over and over and over again. My mom wasn't phased because she kept on dragging her tired ass down to The Bon Ton (Le Bon Ton) every other month to get herself the White Diamonds gift pack with the special After Shower After Glow, Body Buffer and Labia Lightener, all while clutching her proverbially pearls, a la La Liz.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Just one of the girls

So apparently I've had two followers or two links or two somethings from The Ovarian Cancer Symptoms Site. Thanks ladies!
So to all of my sisters out there who have had ovarian cancer, thought about it, known someone with it or loves Ovaltine... I'm on your side!

Thank you!

You Are Not Alone

Celebs off a plane! Top 10 famous problem fliers

A-listers and air travel have a way of colliding in dramatic fashion

  1. Gerard Depardieu: Not A-list unless this is France circa '88. Or Green Card starring Andie Macdowell. Pissed on the plane.
  2. Billie Joe Armstrong: A-listish. Pants too low.
  3. Josh Duhamel: Definitely not A-list. Married to Fergalicious. Poor man's Ryan Reynolds. Too tech savvy: wouldn't get off of his Blacberry.
  4. Kevin Smith: Too fat. A+-list?!
  5. Jonathan Rhys Meyers: Too drunk. Could have been A-list but too drunk all of the time. See Lohan, Linday.
  6. Naomi Campbell: Too FABULOUS! Definitely A-List! All of the time. Fo-evah! This bitch can fly my plane.
  7. Christian Slater: Too armed. Had a nano second on the A-list.
  8. David Hasselhoff: Too medicated. NEVER A-list.
  9. Mo'Nique: Too black. Bitch won an Oscar... okay Supporting Actress to ensure she never makes it to the A-list. Poor girl. Each one teach one!
  10. Peter Buck: Who? No, I know who he is but as a band REM had their day but Peter Buck... not A-list.
So you see my Muslim brothers and sisters you are not alone. Others are asked not to fly as well! Democracy!

No Pun Intended

Muslim travelers say they're still saddled with 9/11 baggage

Good Morning Dear Readers! With only a few days until the 10th Anniversary of September 11th (Happy Anniversary!) I will have a special all-9/11 edition of The Interlopere with guest appearances from Jerry Lewis, Jerry Hall, Jerry Orbach, Jerry Stiller, Jerry (of Tom &), Jerry (of Ben and), Jerry Garcia and Jerry, my friend who volunteers at work.
“Are you part of any Islamic tribe? YES Have you ever studied Islam full time? YES How many gods do you believe in?” 666 “How many prophets do you believe in?” N/A the agent at New York’s JFK Airport asked, according to Shibly, 24, a Syrian-born Muslim American. He said the agent searched his luggage, pulling out his Quran and a hand-held digital prayer counter.
Here's what I never understand... what are the correct answers? Meaning the answers that prove I'm a gun-totin'-plane-flyin'-suicide-bombin'-terrorist? And who's dumb enough to give those answers? These fellas that flew the planes into the WTC seemed really well planned, highly skilled and deeply convicted to getting shit done. Clearly. So I say the TSA needs some help with their questionnaire.

“At the end — I guess (the agent) was trying to be nice — he said, ‘Sorry, I hope you understand we just have to make sure nothing gets blown up,’” said Shibly, a law school graduate who grew up in Buffalo.
I mean... we needed this guy in NYC yesterday... talk about blowin' shit up.
More than 30 people were wounded by firearms in the city over the holiday weekend, the authorities said.
And isn't this really my point Dear Readers - why we can all agree that profiling just doesn't work. In the same weekend David saw a car explode and I saw a car accident!
What if I'm wearing my Visiting Dignitary outfit... would I be stopped?

Sunday, September 4, 2011


Marc Anthony: Rumored Smith affair 'laughable'

I know that Will Smith has been plagued with gay rumors forever now and this just isn't going to help. Marc Anthony is rumored to have an 11-inch member that allegedly made Jenny from the block Jenny "get me away from that cock!" Ouchie. Maybe their sex stained her required all-white trailers? Who knows?
Maybe Will is a size queen?
I wonder how Will's people will spin this. I mean, I know he's an action star and all but he does have that ass and a flair for fashion. Plus all these Scientology rumors. I mean, we've always heard that it's an All Girl's Club, if you know what I mean - and I know you do Dear Readers.
Also, how in the shit is Marc Anthony even famous still?
Also, I saw J. Lo once in person during the Bennifer years and she was rail thin which makes me think that her ass is a prosthetic. Just sayin'.

This Broads Five Points

"Polls," Palin said, "they're for strippers and cross-country skiers."

And for my daughter. And me when I was younger. And for Trig because Mount Me, Wassila's future strip club, is the only place where he'll be able to get attention from the girls. This bitch is straight up, mother fucking retarded. She's talking about not taking money to run for president - agreed: too many are beholden to these backers - but what in the shittin' mother fuckin' hell does this crazy know about anything? As soon as she decides to run for anything - okay, she never will because she makes way more money doing these Tea Party rallies and then she really isn't beholden to anyone because what she says is just that. She has to not act on any of it. She'll say she's more effective going on Glenn Beck and talking about how we should say "colored" and "black" other than African American. Or she'll tell us about the American Revolution or some shit. She'll be up there with her fuck me pumps writing on the chalk board while Beck sits there with his Madonna microphone on telling her he couldn't agree more. He can't even think because he's so focused on banging her that all of the blood is in her dick.

"I've admired her ever since she came on the scene," attendee Miki Booth of Wyandotte, Okla., said. "This country is in bad shape and I'd really like to see us go back to the principles of the founding fathers and I think Sarah Palin can lead us back to those ideals."
Listen Miki - POP QUIZ! What are the principles of our founding fathers? And who are our founding fathers - not George Michael - he was your father figure... oops! until you found out he liked a big pipe in his mouth and up his ass.

CNN reports: She also took aim at President Obama, and outlined a broad, five-point economic recovery plan which she called a “pro-working man’s plan".
A: Five is as high as she can go. B: "broad, FIVE-point" economic recovery plan"... hmmm? How long are those five points because five doesn't seem like an awesome number to be broad enough to get us out of this mess. And I don't think the lipstick scribbles on the back of her shopping list count as an economic recovery plan: Nursing bra for Bristol Formula for Trig Hysteria by Def Leppard on cassette Five Point Plan: 1. Stop spending on credit! 2. Layaway? 3. No More Taxes! 4. Rent out government buildings for private parties 5. Layaway?! Cancel Playgirl subscription

Saturday, September 3, 2011


Cher: It took guts for Chaz to do 'Dancing'

And if by "guts" you mean a paycheck then I couldn't agree more. Listen, I love a tranny as much as the next tranny lover but let's call a spade a spade here. No one was chasing Chaz (ooh reality show?) for work. He made the OWN thing but Gayle is the only one who watches OWN and even then it's only her show. Maybe Oprah makes Stedman watch it when she lets him out of her CHAMBER OF EMASCULATION. My mother really looks up to Oprah. She subscribes to her magazine.
Okay - it's nasty to be nasty to Chaz because of his gender and if anyone is crazy enough to think that ABC is pro-trans or LGBTQ or anything check out the fact that they won't let same-sex couples dance on this Dancing With the Stars shit. ABC - like every network, don't want to single out the Mouse House (ow!) - is pro money. That's it, nothing else. ABC making a statement by casting Chaz is like Lady Gaga making a statement by continually talking about gay people. Fuck that. It's a base with more disposable income than all those breeders out there. Shit is retarded and so are you if you believe it.
Listen Cher - it takes courage for you to show up in a mini and stilettos to the premiere of Burlesque while Christina Aguilera is chubbily oversinging everything. (CHHHHHEEEEER! I LOOOOOOVE BEEEEING IN THIIIIIIIS SHIIIIIITY MOOOOOOOOOVIIIIIE WITH YOUOOUOUOUOU AND TUCCCCCCCCCCCIIIIIIIIII HHHHHMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!).
If I could turn back time indeed.

Friday, September 2, 2011

Glamor Gets a New Face!

"I feel like I've known Ann Taylor since I was a kid. I've watched the clothes move into support for the working woman," said Moore, 48, during a break at a recent photo shoot in L.A. "It used to be a lot of suiting. I've seen as we've changed, that they've changed, reflecting on how we live as modern women, which is wearing things that take us from day to night . from workout to work to weekend."
I call bullshit. Do we think that Mrs. The Kutch was watching Ann Taylor since she was a kid? What 6 year old goes and stands outside the window of the Ann Taylor store and says "mommy, I want to look like a modern nun when I grow up." Or maybe that's just Ann Taylor Loft. I can't keep it straight anymore. But really? When did Demi dream about the day she could wear Ann Taylor? Was this during her Brat Pack phase? "Oh my god I love cocaine so much. Oh my god Rob! Emilio I love you! Holy shit is that Ann Taylor Molly?! Get the fuck out of here bitch and give me that cotton/poly blend blouse! Fuck you girl!"
Maybe she started loving Ann Taylor during the Bruce Willis phase? But that was also the phase when she was showing her titties and being naked and being in a naked suit painted on her and then lovingly, gingerly photographed by Annie Leibovitz for Vanity Fair.
I'm going to take an educated guess here and say that she started "knowing" Ann Taylor when they called up her publicist (The Kutch) and said "Hey girl, what's your grandma doing this week?"
The Kutch: Whoa.
Ann Taylor: Hello?
The Kutch: Yo.
Ann Taylor: Is Demi there?
The Kutch: Orange you glad I didn't say banana again?
Ann Taylor:

From the Poughkeepsie Journal:


U.S. Open Anna Wintour Watch Day One: In Plaid, Big Necklaces

True, true. A more appropriate headline: Anna Wintour Watch Day One: New Trend - Darth Vader Hair.
It looks like she could remove that shit and then there would be some crazy scar and a few wispy tendrils under there. Like Shirley Maclaine in Postcards From the Edge or Darth Vader in the death scene of The Return of the Jedi.
Anna: Federer, take off my mask, I want to see you. I want you to see me.


Virginia city limits Confederate flag-flying

Here's what people always fail to understand - just because you can't see it, it doesn't mean it didn't happen. Now, I'm a fan of '90s nostalgia like nobody's business but come on. We've done this already. These Flag Fags should be allowed to hang it wherever, whenever. It doesn't make it right or pretty or nice but it makes this America. Or it makes it the America of the people who publish weird children's coloring books about Elian Gonzalez/OBL. This reminds me of when the NAACP "buried" the word nigger.
Really? Nigger gets its own wood box with some floral arrangement atop that looks like something my mom ordered off of QVC? Or Panda food.
“We gather burying all the things that go with the N-word. We have to bury the ’pimps’ and the ’hos’ that go with it.”
I think Oprah was the Mistress of Ceremonies that day.
I get that people want to be all post-racial and hand holdy but this is really the trappings of the left - admittedly wanting to fly a Confederate flag under the guise of "but our great generals was confedrates!: is a trapping of the nasty - but shouldn't the left be really left? Like all the way left? The left will stand up and cheer at the prospect of getting to burn an American Flag: It's like, so like my right to do that! but will condemn the shit out of some cousin-lovin' bumpkin that wants to display the Confederate flag: I just, like, find it so offensive to people of color and the horrible American tradition of slavery and oppression and FUCK YOU WAL*MART!
Listen bitches, get your male lesbian ass back to Vassar (Erica Jong is like, so powerful) and shut it down. I hate hypocrisy. HypocrazY! Yo shit bitch I just invented that!

This is too easy!

No Shit.

Pope-A Don't Preach

VATICAN CITY (RNS) The Vatican took a swipe at new sex education classes in New York City Schools on Wednesday (Aug. 31), saying teaching middle school students how to use a condom is "useless, and even harmful."

While it's hard to argue the uselessness of teaching middle schoolers about condom use - unless of course you are teaching them how to masturbate into one and then throw it under your older sister's bed so that your mother can recognize her for the whore she really is I take aim at it being harmful. What can be destructive about teaching some pre-pubescent t(w)eens about condoms? Oh, maybe the Vatican thinks that kids are going to snap them at each other during health class and hit someone in the eye? Or maybe the Vatican things that all of that lube might not be good for the bananas and that kids could be slipping and falling all over New York City? Or maybe the Vatican is just run by a former Slytherin who looks like a former Nazi youth. (Okay, POP QUIZ Dear Readers - one of those things is true...) It just makes the Vatican sound like a really bitter virgin. Oh wait...
From Among the report’s findings are that the vast majority (87%) of the more than 20,000 teen pregnancies that occur annually in NYC are unintended (Table 3.1), and that teen pregnancy rates significantly vary by neighborhood socioeconomic status (Tables 1.4-1.6). Teens in high-poverty neighborhoods are three times more likely to become pregnant than teens in low-poverty neighborhoods. Disparities in teen pregnancy rates between black and Hispanic teens─most of whom live in high-poverty areas─and white teens are persistent and show no signs of narrowing.
THE HELL YOU SAY! This all seems right to me. 20,000 fucking thousand teen pregnancies Lord Vatican Voldemort. Suck my balls you asshole. This also means that 2,600 teens are planning their pregnancies. This would seem to be a real boon for JC Penney and their new "Girls Are Dumb Whores" collection. Here's a compromise: no condom teaching for Medicaid paid abortions? No, you Prada-wearing-Grandma-Louise-look-stealing Overlord? What if we teach masturbation instead of condom use? Can I get a Jocelyn Elders UP IN HERE?! ALL GONNA MAKE ME LOSE MY MIND! UP IN HERE! UP IN HERE!

Tyler Perry's House of bin Laden

I'm not exactly sure what's happening in the image above but the caption of the image above is: "Being the elusive character that he was, and after hiding out with his terrorist buddies in Pakistan and Afghanistan, American soldiers finally locate the terrorist leader Osama bin Laden." Now if you ask me this might be a lefty-Democratic children's coloring book because it seems like the use of the word "elusive" is not-so-subtle suggestion that George W. Bush just couldn't do his job for 8 mother fucking years. Right? Can I get an "AMEN!"? HALLELUJER! I mean that bitch couldn't find Laura who was sleeping right next to him (okay in his defense it was because she was so medicated and stiff that he thought she was an extra-firm body pillow). But seriously the above statement is true-ish. Although "terrorist buddies" makes it sound like he and a bunch of Jihadists were sitting around having a circle jerk to Condoleeza Rice porn. Oh wait. No, seriously, wasn't he "hiding out" with his 312 wives and 17, 526 children? It goes on: "Children, the truth is, these terrorist acts were done by freedom-hating radical Islamic Muslim extremists. These crazy people hate the American way of life because we are FREE and our society is FREE." Okay now this is where it gets tricky for me. A: it's weird that the coloring book addresses the children directly. It's creepy. It makes the coloring book come off like that nasty 7th-grade science teacher I had who kept on giving me detentions for not putting a book cover on my book - "Children, the truth is, if you don't cover these books, they're going to get damaged by years end." The author takes a lot of liberties here saying that these people are "crazy" and that they "hate the American way of life". Maybe that's true, but I'm guessing the author isn't a huge fan of my American life: rim jobs, black people, dim sum and foreign films.
You see Dear Readers, that's why things like this make me angry. This fella or lady or group of one-armed-bible-bumping-gun-toting-michelle-bachman-masturbating-to-zealots doesn't like the American way of life. They/he/she/ze/zer like their life. In the country. With Stouffer's Stove Top stuffing come out of the oven when Ma gives me a kiss on my cheek after I just kilt a goat.
These people are offenders of the American way of life too. These people are the divisive assholes that make fun-loving Muslims extremist plane flyers. These people, with their cheap shoes and good bags, are the reason that the Parenthetical Revolution - stay tuned - must happen. These people are the reason that I want to rim the ass of every Latino in the Bronx on the big screen at Yankee Stadium while eating dim sum during a screening of The Bicycle Thief. Eat my shit, you mother fuckers.
"Publisher Wayne Bell told American television that the book does not portray Muslims "in a negative light at all. That is incorrect. This is about 19 terrorist hijackers that came over here under the leadership of a devil worshiper, Osama bin Laden, to murder our people," Bell said. "He [Dawud Walid, executive director of CAIR] calls the book disgusting ... but he should call the people in the book, the 19 terrorists, Osama bin Laden, he should call him disgusting. This is history. It is absolutely factual."
This Wayne Bell sound speciAL. Is he delusional? It sort of does lump Muslims into a one-for-all-kind-of-category, right? I mean, your 6 year old might have a hard time discerning the good hijab-wearers from the bad after coloring (only inside the lines please) the above image. And that brings me to my next point, And I Do Have One - Ellen Degeneres. Do you hang this on the refrigerator? Send it to grandma? Can I bring this book in for show and tell? Can you imagine all of the culture wars that will be born from this book?! Monsieur Bell also calls Osama bin Laden (OBL, WTF!?!) a "devil worshiper". Now I d'nt kno too much 'bout 'slam or nuttin' but I'm purty sure they don' go 'round worsp'n no devil. Mecca lecca hi mecca hiny ho. Knight
It's also being reported that the first run of 10,000 copies has sold out. These copies all went to Sarah and Bristol Palin's children. The Bachmann's are pissed! What's with all of these right-wing sexy ladies having more children than Bin Laden? I get it, you don't want to have an abortion but does that mean you have to reproduce like Grandma Betty circa 1950 after too many Brandy Alexanders?
Other things I can discern from this picture: It looks like Osama Bin Laden was very well read. And that wife #27 really loved him. He also looks eerily like Grandpa Henry when he would dress up as Santa on Christmas Eve after telling us all he had to work at the Post Office because "Santa's mail doesn't get delivered by those goddamned elves."
Finally, If I were a Muslim (**FULL DISCLAIMER: I AM NOT A MUSLIM**) I would mostly be upset because this image is from the wrong coloring book for children. This is apparently what ended up on the cutting room floor from Elian Gonzalez: Janet Reno's Last Attempt at Motherhood: The Children's Coloring Book.