Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Christian Slater don't be a hater... Of Gorgeous.
Owen Wilson: still alive!
The always chic Sikh spotted: waris ahluwalia
Val Kilmer spotted at Art Basel Miami Beach: Fatman
This whole thing is like an American Apparel ad.

Someone Needs An Enema

Now as you know Dear Readers this is Gorgeous' first time at the big Miami Art Fair - previous years I've spent sunning myself in St. Tropez, wanting to be as far away from this craziness as possible. But then Gorgeous got right and said: You know what world? I want to be in the heart of it all - no, not the Milford Plaza, but Art Basel Miami Beach. Now Mr. Lindemann's Chocolates seems to not be having any fun anymore. Clearly he's had too much fun in the past and is still angry about losing out on that piece everyone wanted a few years back... you know the one, right Dear Readers?

Here are some gems from his article:

It’s high time I start making more studio visits, and visiting more emerging galleries. It’s work but these days that’s the only way to get ahead.

It is work Mr. Lint Man. I mean, you're going to have to call your driver, get in your car and go all the way to GASP Brooklyn or maybe even Queens. You know how those young artists like fringe-y places. It really is the only way to get ahead.

It’s merchandise, it’s eye candy, it’s commercial without enough real content, and, in the end, it’s just plain boring.

Did you just enter the art world Mr. Entenmanns? It's merchandise? And eye candy? The Hell You Say! And the winner of the Stating the Obvious Award 2011 goes to...

Let’s agree to boycott the whole thing; let’s simply not go. Let’s group together and agree not buy a single thing this year in Miami—not a print, not a sculpture, not a multiple, not even a signed poster. Let them sell us nothing this year, and we’ll watch with glee as the whole circus dries up and shrinks right down to the size of a pup tent.

You're an idiot.

If we succeed in stopping them now, we can then enforce some new rules in this game. First and foremost, art fairs should be for collectors only; if you’re not coming to buy art, get the hell out. Second, gallery dinners only, preferably with a few artists and curators sprinkled in to keep it kosher.

Is this so, Mr. Lintman, you don't have to slum it with non- collectors? I agree! Ugh, all of those poor people. They disgust me. How dare they get to go to the Shopping Mall of Art and hang out with rich people! Let them eat cake! Make them hang posters!

Third, those “hard to get” early-entrance VIP cards can go only to real collectors who are invited by the galleries.

I agree. Because if I have to see Gwynnie and the Jigga walking around talking about her recording career when I am trying to seriously buy some serious art I am going to scream! Get out of my art fairs trash!

Occupy Art Basel Miami Beach is a new movement designed to correct the ills of global art fairdom once and for all, and to send the dealers, the artists and especially the art-fair companies our message of protest: hell no, we won’t go!

Let's not go to art fairs. Let's not go anywhere except our private residences where we can see our private collections of art. And let's make the help look down when they pass our masterpieces. Or better yet, Gorgeous is hiring an art coverer just to cover the work when the Plebes are cleaning/cooking/delivering in my penthouse, guesthouse, beach house and private jet.

Dear Mr. Rin Tin Lindemann: you should go with your fancy wife, your fancy life and build your own country where only art collectors can go - the serious ones - and not let the trash in. Because Gorgeous will be first in line to get one of those tickets. It's really Art World Eugenics. Let's bring it!

I also LOVE how you have co-opted the Occupy label for rich people. Why didn't Gorgeous think of this first. I commend your aplomb!

and if these people don’t fix their fair, next year we’ll riot, we’ll scream bloody murder and throw rotten tomatoes if we have to. The buck stops here, so join me in staying home, and in saving our money for good art that’s properly exhibited.

I mean, let's be real. I'm not going to throw rotten tomatoes but I'll hire a French speaker to do it for me. All of my help must speak French! And not the Haitian kind.



It Has Begun

As you all know, Dear Readers, Gorgeous landed in exotic Miami, Florida last night at approximately 8:51 PM. And then she hiked up her skirt, hailed a cab and said "get me to the bar goddamnit!" and at the bar is where we stayed. And stayed. And stayed. Gorgeous got the inside scoop on so much, including: Madonna, B-Roid (Madge's onetime boyfriend, a famous ball player) and much much more.
So for our first big scoop we will be going to Mr. B. Roid's house tonight where rumor has it he keeps his Scope in Patron bottles.
**Please note, we have been advised by our legal counsel (David) to change the name of this famous ball player**
Gorgeous had fantasies last night of dancing with Ms. Naomi Campbell - who is rumored to be the surprise guest at tonight's B. Roid's party - but in reality we'll take a drink being thrown at us.
Don't worry, now that Gorgeous got her new Siri Cruise phone she'll be documenting the entire thing. We'll see Mr. B-Roid air kissing China Chow as art stars from across the globe roll their eyes.
It's outrageous and only getting more Gorgeous with me down here.
Now for today I just have to decide which bikini to wear.

But stay tuned. Because I'll be reporting on all of these spoiled white bitches for the next week. *Note I said white because Naomi Campbell is a god and sweet Jesus I will suck the cock of B-Roid's dog if it means I get close to Ms. Naomi Campbell.

PS. I did meet a cute hipster at the Walgreen's last night and shared an electronic cigarette with him. True story!

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

under silkenevening or on Facebook (Gorgeous is a little tipsy right now and has no idea what to follow her under there!). Just follow her goddamnit!
celebrities will be at your fingertips. Oh! And did we mention the art? Follow Gorgeous on Foursquare signed in under Crystal Bridges or in Twitter signed in
Full coverage starting tonight from Art Basel Miami starring our foreign correspondent Gorgeous. Access to the hottest parties, sexiest bodies and trashiest

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Mac & Cheese

Okay, this just reaffirms so many things.

A: That Grandma Betty really has some black in her and not Indian as she so desperately likes to posit, especially around this time of year. Mac & Cheese is a staple at our holiday table.

B: Condi Rice: once a house nigger... How in the shit does she go on this show? As a conservative Christian woman? My ass. She needs to own up that fucking Pat Robertson is an ignorant, racist mother fucker who should be stuffed with 12 dicks for Thanksgiving. Condi is clearly so uncomfortable with this interviewer. Not because of her questions but Condi hasn't seen that much polyester in a weave since she was forced to launder Laura Bush's merkin. (You know Laura's nervous condition made her pull out something!)

C: 'What is this mac & cheese? Is that a black thang?' - Pat Robertson. Let me tell you what's a black thang you fuck. It's me showing up on your doorstep with a double-headed dildo, one head in my ass, primed and ready to go and the other dripping with my used jizz ready to penetrate your bad hole. Oh and here's another black thang, it's me getting my rage out on while I piss on you while making you watch reruns of The Jeffersons, 227, The Cosby Show and Gimme A Break starring Ms. Nell Carter.


I'm already so angry and I haven't even talked to my mother yet.

Happy Thanksgiving!



Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Don't get violent! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! - Edward Vedder
Note to self: don't wear mesh past Labor Day. Titty chill!

Theme Song for OWS?

Anyway, as I was waxing nostalgic, not to mention waxing my nalgene (?!) I came across this gem of a video and remembered how Gorgeous and I met. It was '85 or '86, a Mother Love Bone concert in Seattle. She had gone there to dry out (again) but she was apparently off the wagon this time because there she was, back stage, rimming Chris Cornell.

I said "girl, you better get it together hon'" but was quickly swept away by Stone Gossard who was just dying for me to meet this new guy, Ed Vedder. I was excited, the new gal in town, looking for a little action. But let me tell you Dear Readers what I got was some long hair who I had to hold the entire night because he couldn't stop crying about his mother.

I'm pretty sure this is when my transition began.

Anyway, for all you OWSers, think about... you need a theme song!

I don't mind stealing bread
From the mouths of decadence
But I can't feed on the powerless
When my cup's already overfilled
But it's on the table
The fire's cooking
And they're farming babies
While the slaves are working
Blood is on the table
And the mouths are choking
But I'm going hungry

I don't mind stealing bread
From the mouths of decadence
But I can't feed on the powerless
When my cup's already overfilled
But it's on the table
The fire's cooking
And they're farming babies
While the slaves are all working
And it's on the table
The mouths are choking

But I'm going hungry
I'm going hungry

I don't mind stealing bread

I'm going hungry
(Going hungry)

The Reviews Are In

Here's what one, Pierre, thought about the new 'Drive' trailer:

The Drive Trailer Hollyweird Doesn't Want You To See

That's right Dear Readers, Crystal Bridges has uncovered this little gem from a place I like to call... the Internet. I don't know who this hunk of an action star is but 'Drive' was apparently set at DisneyLand but due to contract issues could not be shown to American audiences. I do, however, hear it is huge in France and Japan. Now I don't want to keep on beating up on "Ryan Gosling" but there's something that just doesn't sit right with Crystal.

What do you think, Dear Readers, of this star turn?

Until Next Time,

Crystal Bridges

This Just In

Dear Readers -

Gorgeous will be The Interlopere's roving correspondent for Art Basil Miami. Crystal herself would like to go but her good friend Salman Rushdie told her that there is a fatwa on her head and to travel to Miami at this time would be risky. Plus, Crystal must maintain her anonymity!

Get Stuffed After Stuffing

Dear Readers, as a heterosexual woman, Crystal has never even set foot in a gay bar but this one looks kind of fun, like the kind of fun one can have at a private golf club where the darkest shade is orange from the members' wives who spend just a little too much time under the gorgeous glow of the fluorescents of the tanning bed.

When Crystal was coming up she would hear about all kinds of gay bars from Aunt Shannon: Marie's Crisis, Crisco Disco, Uncle Tim's Bathroom, and she always imagined these places as diverse spots filled with hairy men bumping and grinding and calling their grandmothers to express their love of crosswords.

These modern-day gay bars look more like a boarding school where the poppers waft freely and the farthest these boys go is third base because even shit is too dark for them.

The Interlopere: Barrier Free Homosexuality

File Under: Classy

In what can only be described as really bad timing Mr. Robert Wagner, he of Dead on the Boat Natalie Wood fame has decided to take, what I'm sure will be the role of a lifetime, as a murder suspect on NCIS.

Come on RJ! You have enough money, right? From all of those Hart to Hart reruns? From your turns in 'Austin Powers', 'Two and a Half Men'?

Hmmmm? Crystal is beginning to become very suspect of Hollywood and its ways. We're going to start calling it Hollyweird. I'm pretty sure that we have trademarked that so don't even try Spielberg!

RJ Wagner: Totes So Pierre!

We All Need To Keep Our Help

In GOP debate over national security, Gingrich defends long-term illegal residents

Of course he does. He's got people who clean his house, organize his garage and do Calista's hair. We cannot push out our illegals!

However, Newt, if we do, both Crystal and Gorgeous are free to come in and do Calista's hair.
Q: What do an African, an Indian and a Jew have in common?
A: Thanksgiving dinner with Crystal Bridges.

Introducing Gorgeous

Hello Dear Readers - Good Morning!

I want to introduce you to me good friend and mentor, Gorgeous. A former editor at Conde Nast Traveller (where she got fired for doing a bit too much Nast and not enough Travelling if you know what I mean) she is back, fresh from her stint in rehab where she may or may not have seen Ms. Tara Conner.

She's a good girl who may occasionally check in here while, over the busy holidays, Crystal may be jet setting off to the Upper West Side, East Harlem or Ft. Lauderdale.

Also, look out for Gorgeous' Tumblr page, coming soon. Here she'll document - with clear eyes for the first time in years - her travails throughout the city.

This picture was taking early this morning, so don't judge. Gorgeous didn't have time to do her hair yet.


Crystal Bridges

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

File Under: Who Hasn't?

So he smoked weed with an NYPD informant? So he tried to circumcise himself? I'm pretty sure my mom castrated my step dad. And Grandma Betty's got a voice like Harvey Fierstein so something definitely happened to her nether regions. And I'm tucking as we speak.

But does a self-circumcision make him a terrorist? I need more. Maybe he was converting to Judaism but they wouldn't take him, like in that episode of Sex and the City when Charlotte had to repeatedly go back to the Rabbi. And she was only able to because she was rich and didn't have a job. Maybe this Jose Pimento just didn't have the time.

Help a brotha out!

Stay strong,

Crystal Bridges

Are There No New Dead People?

I mean, Dear Readers, I just don't understand the fascination with JFK anymore. I get it, he died. Why are Americans so bent on rehashing any single horrific event they can over and over and over again? Maybe it's because white Americans haven't suffered enough so they take on any pain they can???

Listen, Crystal has felt pain, Dear Readers, real pain, like when she had to have her hair died twice in one month because we just couldn't get it to the blonde necessary to continue living!

Or like the time when she had to squeeze into a size 0 because all of the 2s were gone! Or when she just simply outgrew her mom's pumps but didn't have any money of her own. It was hard being a single gal in upstate New York, living with your mom and having to steal her True Blues when you went out on the town to try and find a man. Not to mention the shame of having to be driven to the Green Gables by Grandma Betty - and it wasn't even her shift to bartend. But we split a Remy Martin and shared some stories, that old gal and me.

Shepard Fairey Unveils New ‘Hope’ Poster

Art World, Politicos, Protesters collectively yawn.

'Your work all day. Tough Job.'

Romney Plays Pussy Card

Not only is this Kelly Coyote a potential running mate for Mitt Romney - quick do a McCain and find a pretty lady to excite the far-right base! - but she sued, as Attorney General, and personally argued against Planned Parenthood in Ayotte vs. Planned Parenthood of Northern New England.

Now Crystal has had multiple abortions since the age of 13 and she stands by her right to do so. And besides, mom was too drunk to give consent.

Okay, okay, I get it. You're pro-life. Congratulations. Why isn't it that you can be pro-life? Do you have to make everyone else pro-life too? It's like people who are pro-choice are trying to make others have an abortion, the option is just there, or not, if you don't want it.

Now, Crystal, we're pro-abortion so we're on the far end of the spectrum, we know. But ugh. Maybe this Coyote lady is qualified, what do I know?

Maybe I should start a campaign to be Herman McCain's running mate? Sweet Jesus! Could the Godfather handle it? I mean, I wouldn't mind a little slap on the ass every now and then if you know what I mean Dear Readers... and I think you do PERVERTS.

Will The Real Hipster Please Stand Up!

Dear Readers - you know Crystal was all in a twitter the other day about that Ryan Gosling and his twee-ass self. Well, now she's gone and found some trick for Grindr or JDate or Ebay and had him recreate some 'classic' Gosling moves. You tell me, who is the real hipster and who is not?!

I know! It's too hard to tell Dear Readers and this is my point... Ryan Gosling, just another panty waist of a hipster posing as James Dean as Marlon Brando as a serious actor.

Can I get a what? what?!

Monday, November 21, 2011

Move Over Steve Jobs!

Now you know, Dear Readers that Crystal is not one for religion. But if she was she would believe in reincarnation. It is no coincidence that within a month of Steve Jobs' death The Interlopere has learned how to mobile blog. That's right, she's on the prowl, on the beat, on the path. She'll be blogging from Harlem to Hanoi, from the Lower East Side to the Laos (someone she always ends up in South East Asia?).

But seriously.

The Interlopere: My Blog's Technology Can Kick Your Blog's Technology's Ass. Or Something Like That.
Testing testing 123!

Come on Christians!

Where do I even begin? Now, you may know Dear Readers that Crystal Bridges, nee The Interlopere loves abortions, talking about abortions, funding for abortions and the lyric 'legalizing mass abortions' - David Bowie. She is not sure, however, that she loves the above article but there are some interesting points that we would like to point out.

In 2011, the Guttmacher Institute reported that 65 percent of women having abortions self-identified as Christian; 37 percent as Protestant and 28 percent as Catholic. A 1996 study found that 20 percent of all nationwide abortions were woman who identified themselves as born-again or evangelical Christians.


Okay, not really. Religious folks as hypocrites? How could they not be? There are too many rules! If all of these Christians, et al followed the scriptures to a T (tee? tea? TEA PARTY?! this shit is scaring even Crystal!) then they would be all Martha Marcy May Marlene on our ass. They're bad enough. I thank the maker ('s mark) for religious hypocrites. At least it gives us something to point out. It's like when Bill Clinton was schtooping The Intern and Newt Gingrich was all 'you should be impeached for immorality and shit' and then we all found out he was between wives with a (nother!) mistress and yuck. These poor women! We should all learn to have abortions, okay?

Point 2.

Rather than protest what others are doing, Christians must be the alternative of what they oppose. This means being "pro-life" in all areas of life -- as foster parents, as adoptive parents and caring for the single, pregnant female who has chosen to keep her child. This requires the willingness to make a sacrificial, ongoing, life-time commitment.

Exactly. And when this shit happens Crystal will pull out her stencil of Christ on the cross and shave her pubes. Now, surely some people foster & adopt. But who really helps the 'single, pregnant female'? I mean, come on... And remember Christians not all of these babies are white... or Asian. You have to take the dark ones too. Oh, and the retarded ones. And yes, the homos and trannies too. Oops and don't forget the ones that come from rapists or the ladies' fathers and the pregnant females have to drink and smoke and do drugs to cope with their shitty existence so their kids come out with gills. Don't forget about those ones either.

So onward my Christian soldiers! If you promise to adopt, foster and take in every almost-abortion I will become pro-life for life. Promise.

Is it a deal?

See you in Hell.


Crystal Bridges

Can't We All Just Get Along?! AKA A New Argentina|topnews|text|FRONTPAGE

We've been saying it all along - that the similarities outweigh the differences, both are populist (and that's okay!) and that everyone should throw social issues out the door and get together and have a beer (everyone likes beer!) and join forces to get what everyone wants. Can both sides agree? I mean, even while 'researching' and writing this I found disagreements in my own argument but I do think this is true:
But both are driven by a sense of moral outrage. Neither has a national leader, and both are unhappy with the Obama administration.

And I'm sort of annoyed at both groups constantly, although admittedly less at OWS because I'm sure that their social issues are more closely aligned with mine but ultimately I think both groups want less government and let me tell you, Crystal Bridges, having worked with the 99% for 100 years + now thinks that while more government is certainly flawed without it even more people would be fucked. And they already are. The problem isn't with a government it's with a morally corrupt governemnt and power corrupts. It could be made more local but then it becomes some trickle down shit... remember Ronald Reagan anyone?

Crystal doesn't have the solution or really any answers. She's too buy primping for her next blog post.

Stay strong populists! Crystal supports you!

The Interlopere: Walking both sides of the line.

Designer Imposters

Now nothing as dramatic as hospitalizations or even cuts and bruises occurred at the H&M Crystal visited with her BF David but there were some highlights. Or rather lowlights. Or rather calming the cranky down as we waited on line for a few hours.

First of all, Crystal's companion was feeling very nervous, even awkward about being there and waiting on line. Crystal espoused some of mom's wisdom: She always used to tell me - if someone sees you at Ames why would you be embarrassed? They're there too. This is perhaps the smartest thing my mother ever said.

At 9:04 a.m. someone who had already purchased a bomber jacket was trying to resell it for $250 while still inside the store. Now Crystal was not that bold but she did go home immediately and post all of her extras on Ebay so that she can afford the next Designer Imposters Collection.

Finally, Crystal was cut-throat, making David wait outside of the 'boutique' while she ran back and forth grabbing the Versace goodies: 'Move it bitch!' or 'Hon' you ain't no size 6!' or 'Look, there's Allegra!' We had all the girls running! And succeed we did!

Now Listen...

Okay, It's a rough morning for Crystal. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because it's been a week since the sweet nectar of beer, wine, liquor, rubbing alcohol has crossed her lips. Maybe it's because she went to bed after watching 'Hunger' by Mr. Steve McQueen - the black one - and started hating England and the Queen and Margaret Thatcher even more. Maybe it's just because Paco has replaced Pierre as the bed cat and sleeps with David and not me. Maybe it's because today, ugh, I have to go to Brooklyn. WHo knows.

But I woke up, frothed my almond milk, poured myself some cafe from my French press and read this: and just thought... Really?

Now you know the only thing I like to kill are fetuses and the occasional pig to keep me in bacon but the fact that this Justin E.H. Smith (are too initials really necessary? Is this to prove your Catholicism via your confirmation name?) says this: In the current American context, however, the turkey pardon is a distasteful parody of the strange power vested in politicians to decide the earthly fates of death-row prisoners. is sort of annoying.

How about the death penalty itself is a distasteful parody of the strange power vested in politicians to decide the earthly fates of death-row prisoners?

Of course the death penalty is wrong and evil and racist and classist. But to say that 'pardoning' the turkey is equivalent to dangling a noose in front of a death-row inmate is dumb to me.

Mr. Smith goes on to make many great points, so please read this article, but to use the turkey pardon as a jumping point feels like dumbing down the argument and yes we believe in anti-intellectual populism, hell! I'm beginning to think that Crystal herself invented it but I'm going to eat my turkey with aplomb this year, pinky in the air, all the while still thinking of my brothers on death row. Also, on the radio I'm hearing that inmates in New York are preparing turkeys for non-profits, soup kitchens, etc. Doesn't this seem odd? Shouldn't we be preparing turkeys for them?

The Interlopere: Crystal Bridges says pull that wishbone hard and wish for the good wish.

Speaking of Ellen Barkin

So as I told you about Crystal took her tired ass to a double-feature this weekend and saw a 10:10 screening of 'Another Happy Day' starring Ms. Ellen Barkin, Ms. Ellen Burstyn, Kate Bosworth - her best role ever - and other people, including Mrs. The Kutch.

So as you may or may not know, I love Ellen Barkin. I used have fantasies that she was my mother and that Steven Spielberg was my father and that Kate Capshaw was none the wiser. Yes I spent hours in the mirror trying to recreate that famous Barkin smirk and justifying my nose as Spielbergs. I watched 'This Boy's Life' over and over and over again and then I would watch the opening sequence of 'Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom' just to feel bad for Kate. Anything Goes indeed. And then I would put on my sister's old prom gown and re-enact the whole thing, squeezing into mom's size 8 Easy Spirits:

Mom: Turn that music down!

Me: Shut up!

Mom: Don't make me come in there!

Me: And do what?!

Mom (banging on my door, smoking): Listen you little son of a bitch...

Me: You just insulted yourself.

Mom: What?

Me: Yeah.

Anyway, I show up to this 10:10 screening for which I paid $14.50 because I bought my ticket in advance because I was convinced it would be sold out because both Ellen Barkin and Sam Levinson were supposed to be there to talk about the film. And it's rumored that they're dating and I was going to tweet, facebook, foursquare the shit out of it. But they didn't show. And I sat there alone, with the other 15 people in the theater wondering what the shit?

Where were they? Were they off having really hot young man, old lady sex like Sam Taylor-Wood and Aaron Johnson (did you know, Dear Readers, that she has had cancer? Twice?).

Anyway, I still love you Ellen Barkin and will never call you Grandma even when you are one but I thought this could have been our spiritual reunion. The time when our eyes connected and you realized that you needed me too. That who better to play your son & lover in The Interlopere's biopic than I, Crystal Bridges?

Hipster Depression or Depressing Hipster?

Okay okay Dear Readers I'm sure you're bored to death of this topic ad nauseam but as a former hipster, aging hipster, someone who is desperately clinging to his skinny jeans and thrift-store t-shirts from 15 years ago - dear God please let me fit into that LIVE AID t-shirt for just another year! but as I watch the world's most famous other hipster I have many thoughts.

Yes I speak of Ryan Gosling - he who can kill puppies with his cuteness. He who is so charming even Ellen found herself cleaning up her Barca lounger after watching Blue Valentine.

So Crystal went to see Drive this weekend, yes by herself, okay and yes a double feature (more on this later... Ellen Barkin!) and yes she ate a large popcorn, small nacho, two hot dogs and a large DIET cola (I ain't gettin' no money from you COKE!) all alone but really it was a fun Saturday night. We had a great time.

Anyway, Drive. We liked it. So much that I bought the soundtrack and listened to it while riding my bike to go and get my roots done and -unbeknownst to me - coming out looking like Grandma Betty's bastard daughter. Wait? Okay, too much at this early hour.

But I was left wondering many things.

A: Why does he get away with being this hipster when I believe - and will posit here Dear Readers - that Ryan Gosling, while a hipster, is really more twee than anything else but get's away with it because he's a man. To me, he is the penised equivalent of Zooey Deschanel (*full disclaimer - I have no idea if either of them has a penis as both appear to have very large breasts).

B: He always seems to be playing another actor playing a character. Like, he's playing Brando playing that guy in Blue Valentine or he's playing some kind of suave guy (Burt Reynolds?) playing some kind of suave guy in Crazy, Sexy, Love. Its like when Christian Slater thought that he was the left testicle of Jack Nicholson and couldn't stop raising his eyebrow, looking down, looking up, and then nasally inhaling his cigarette smoke - girl you know it's true. Don't hate!

C: Does he have Aspberger's? He often times seems - and listen, Dear Readers, this is just a figure of speech - borderline retarded. He's always playing with children or dogs or dolls in his movies and while it gives me sexual fantasies that dare not speak his name is this the face of our leading men?

D: I'm jealous. Suck it.

Anyway, I'll continue to listen to the soundtrack and Google 'Ryan Gosling Shirtless' while still hating on him like nobody's business.

ps. That photo above is of, obviously, Ryan Gosling and me - pre-Betty Blonde- as Ryan's fluffer from his new feature, Puppy Dog Eyes I Love Vagina and Women are the Best, starring Ryan Gosling.

Free 'em all!

Dear Readers -

It's very rare that Crystal Bridges AKA The Interlopere AKA Grandma Betty's Shadow asks much, let alone anything from you but she woke up this morning with a raging erection and she... wait, wrong story.

Anyway, we woke up and as I was preparing my organic greens from my new CSA I started thinking about John Walker Lindh. And how he's still in jail. For like the next 15 years... for what? Ugh, this makes me hate G. W. Bush all over again. This poor kid - the 'American Taliban' got 20 years in prison for essentially being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Okay, okay, you're right - Crystal don't know too much about international politics - hell, Crystal can't even find Queens on a map! but what she does know is this, via her spiritual guru cum the mother-he-never-had Patti Smith:

Audience member: Free Palestine!

Patti Smith: Free 'em all!

Anyway, here's his address. He's still is a practicing Muslim so keep your Christmas cards to yourself.

John Walker Lindh
Reg. No. 45426-083
Federal Correctional Institution
P.O. Box 33
Terre Haute, IN 47808-0033

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Someone's Grumpy

And it ain't Crystal... But this other girl is like Donatella in the morning before her first line.



So yes Dear Readers, Crystal Bridges was first on line for the premier of Twilight: Bella Gets Fucked. She braved the crowds, fought the ladies with their good bags and their cheap shoes and took her place, front and center to bring you the whole scoop on the new Twilight movie. And let me tell you... it was mediocre, like all the others, but that's not the point. The point is that we were part of something; the point is that people clap when the title comes on the screen; that people clap when the werewolf boy takes off his shirt - not unlike Crystal Bridges; that when Edward and Bella (*spoiler alert*) get married, people said awwwwwwww.

Which brings me to my point. This is a movie for middle-aged women and blatant homosexuals, not tween girls as previously thought. But these middle-aged women (read: 30 year olds) are a rare, annoying breed. They're the ladies that are angry that there probably won't be a Sex & The City 3; these are the ladies who want so desperately to be married that they're at the first day, waiting on line, for Twilight. But these are also the ladies that can't own their love for such a low-brow phenomenon; that when they were reading the book on the subway (pre-Kindle) they hid it behind their Cosmo or Glamor or dare I say Marie Claire?!

Now, why be embarrassed? Crystal Bridges is secure enough in her manhood to be standing up shaking her cha-chas at the mere mention of Jacob taking off his shirt of wait! is that a glimpse of Edward's lower back? Swoon!

There were so many annoying women around me who could not stop laughing at any of the blatant, mildly titilating content. Yet that's what it's there for. And it wasn't cat calling (that was me, sorry: Show me your tits Jacob!) but it was embarrassment that as a young-ish New York City gal you had to be sitting here squeezed between your fat-she's-never-going-to-get-married-friend and the lonely gay on a Friday night (not me! Crystal Bridges is anything but lonely! Or is she?).

I mean, Carrie Bradshaw never had to lower her standards to this?!

But seriously ladies, have fun. It is fun, it's meant to be fun. Well, okay, it's actually meant to be a weird Christian-bullshit-propaganda piece but it's got hot young people with nubile flesh.

On another note, Bella Swan may be the most anti-feminist character ever created and while Kristen Stewart pouts her hardest to make her a likable gal, she just comes off as a dumb girl waiting for a man to save her. Jane Eyre she is not. Oh wait, like the audience I saw it with.

The Interlopere: Don't Shoot the Messenger.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Are blogs obsolete?

Crystal has to ask the question: in a world of twits and four squares are sophisticated, meaningful blogs like The Interlopere relevant?

ps. Mrs The Kutch and The Kutch: divorcing!

It's Only a Day Away

That's right... Tomorrow we will have full updates of all the week's news including but not limited to: the Twilight premiere, the Versace debut at H&M, OWS, child molesters and what this week was So Pierre!

Stay tuned!

Sunday, November 13, 2011

New Contact Information

Hello Dear Readers,

As I undergo my transition I wanted to make you aware of my new email address so that you can send me well wishes, warm thoughts, virtual hugs and discount coupons to see The Blue Man Group. It's

Now you may be asking yourself, why not just CrystalBridges? Well, I'll tell you. It's because all of the extra Bridges and Crystals and .s are really like extra sparkles in your day. Like glitter from a princess or pink ponies riding through your dreams. So let me know how you're doing from time to time and drop this old gal a line.

Sunshine and Kittens,

Crystal Bridges

Enough Already

Sweet Jesus, cut the shit Oprah! It is no longer crazy, insane, whatever that you are living your best life while queefing your A-Ha! moments in front of a national audience while getting your honorary Oscar, Kennedy Center Honor, Lifetime Achievement or Employee of the Month at OWN - now that Gayle is abandoning you.

I mean, A: Why the fuck does Oprah get an honorary Oscar? She's been in two movies - and no I am not counting her voice over work in that Black Disney Princess shit!

B: Quit it with the crocodile tears. I mean, really. Leave that to me when I accept my honorary Oscar (read: gagging on a big penis while looking in the mirror).

C: No one is amazed by your accomplishments anymore. Yes we know you was a po' colo'd guhl from Mississippi but now you're like James Cameron and shit. It's no longer that interesting. Okay, yes my mom still subscribes to your magazine but she doesn't read it.

Ugh. Crystal Bridges calls bullshit!

I'm Alice Walton, Bitch!

Conspiracy Theory

Now you know, Dear Readers, that Crystal Bridges love a conspiracy as much as the next classy dame. In fact we just watched Conspiracy Theory starring Ms. Julia Roberts and Mel Gibson. Total typecasting, by the way. Anyway, in our search for the truth we keep coming across this: According to Bob Ortega, in his new book In Sam We Trust, Alice Walton has had an unpleasant history with cars. In 1983, during a family holiday in Mexico, Alice rented a jeep and "somehow, she lost control on a curve and plunged into a ravine, shattering one leg." Again in 1989, "speeding down the highway in her 1987 Porsche on her way from the farm to work, Alice Walton slammed into a woman trying to cross the road, killing her instantly. Oleta Hardin was killed, a 50 year old mother of two . Although Walton had been ticketed twice in the previous year, and had been speeding when she hit Hardin, local police decided not to file any charges against Alice.

Now, Dear Readers, we can't find this from any 'legitimate' news source but it's all over the Internets. I've searched hi and low (read: on Google and The NY Times) and have come up dry - keep the personal lubricant jokes to yourselves, perverts.

Is Alice Walton a drunk killer or do people have it out for America's 3rd richest lady? Has Oprah planted this story? And who is Oleta Hardin?

These are all questions we plan to get into it... on this, our new investigative reporting show, The InterReportere:

The InterReportere: Bringing you hard facts, soft truths and tumescence.

Alice's Wonderland Indeed!

Let's start here...

Now you know, Dear Readers, that Crystal Bridges enjoys the company of a bottle or two of red each night, not to mention a night cap, some downers and two Melatonin just to keep it herbal so no judgement. But what I don't understand is why the uber-wealthy never hire a driver. I mean, I have the know how, even after a dozen or so drinks to get in a cab or at least go on Grindr and find the nearest person who will let me come over. Now admittedly it is not Crystal Bridges best moment when she passes out halfway through slobbing the knob of some hairy fatty but we all have our bad moments.

Like this one:

Police officers testified in court that at the scene of her car accident, Walton said “Do you know who I am?” and also refused then to consent to a blood-alcohol test, according to the Associated Press.

Listen Alice, we've been there many times: Do you know who I am? I'm Crystal Bridges bitches!

I'm Transitioning

Back to my true self. Now, Dear Readers, I know that I've struggled with keeping The Interlopere's identity under lock and key but I just had to reveal myself when I heard the devastating news about the Wal*Mart Museum (C). We are going to dedicate all day to the uncovering of the secrets of this catastrophe! We've got a crack team now down there in Arkansas or Alabama or Mississippi or wherever that Crystal... No wait. I am Crystal Bridges. What a relief! It's like I can finally live my life out of the shadows.

I know Jenny is from the Block or whatever but Ms. Gloria Estefan got her shit all Elian Gonzalez over here from Cuba.

Anyway, back to Crystal... no, to save from confusion we are going to call that Wal*Mart Museum (C) Virginia Slims. Because I have always been and always will be Crystal Bridges.

Now Dear Readers you may think it convenient that I come out at this time, like an accuser of Herman McCain, but it is not for the extra Google searches, the mistaken FaceBook identities or the free Warhols or Johns (Jaspers pigs!) that will get shipped to me because of this identity hoo-hah. It is because I could no longer live my life in the closet. I was given this name by my gay mother, Alexis Cristal Remy Martin many years ago. It is a combination of the great Crystal Carrington and Alicia Bridges. I love the nightlife. I got to boogie. On the disco round and round and round. This is how the REAL Crystal Bridges was born. Many years ago in a trailer park in upstate New York while extinguishing mom's cigarettes because she was too drunk or too lazy or just too despondent.

We are going to break this Crystal, er, Virginia Slims wide open! Stay tuned!

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Name Change

On FACEBOOK. We're going to try and change our name all over this town... stay tuned!

Don't be a hater.


Crystal Bridges

Friday, November 11, 2011

Oprah Must Have Clicked Her Thighs Together Thrice...

Because there is no way GAY-le King got this job on here OWN. Now, admittedly it is CBS so it's easier to get a show there than say HGTV or TNT, but still GAY-le has not had to get a job on her own for a very long time.

And Charlie Rose? Aren't you supposed to be personable to host one of these things? Like Bryant Gumbel or Kathie Lee & Hoda? Also, Charlie Rose is going to have to follow the Cousin Cindy method of drinking from this stage forward because those hard nights of taking a nib here and a nib there in between interviewing David Bowie ain't gonna work on The Early Show.

Cousin Cindy: Yeah, I drink... you know I get up about 4 or 5 to walk the dogs and then I go to the bar around 8 or 9, have 10 or 12 Bloody Marys and then stop off and get a case of beer and I'll drink that until you know, Survivor comes on - oh! Your Uncle Tim got me hooked on that goddamn show! - and then you know... take a little toke here and there... but I don't get drunk really.

The Interlopere:

Markets Bounce Back Like A Stripper Tits At Berlusconi's House!

Shocking no one the stepping down of two tools in Europe, Silvio Berlusconi and George Papadopoulos, made the markets rise like Madonna's eyebrows after she's had her "treatments".

Hopefully this stock market will make The Interlopere's 401K go through the roof so she can take an early retirement at 30. It's hard for us to work in these conditions!

I Just Had to Change My Crotchless Leather Thongs

I don't know about you, but The Interlopere gets very excited when she sees a thing of beauty - this is allegedly why she pops a chub every time she passes a mirror - and this man's arms are no different.

I mean, I know Penn State is having issues these days but if this is what their athletic program is producing I'm ready to join the cheerleading squad. And by cheerleading squad I mean party bottom that gets passed around like a good Brie cheese at my house after a heavy night of drinking! Ow!!!

Berlusconi Pepperoni!

Italy Senate passes budget, Berlusconi end nigh

Soon gone will be the days of underage 'actresses', models being appointed to the Senate and wild sex parties in Vatican City - I'm kidding! Berlusconi takes one look at that gilded palace and scoffs: What-a? You-a want-a me-a to go-a there-a? That-a is-a the size-a of-a my-a garage-a! All while performing cunalingus on an Italian beauty who is making a drip espresso for him: Do-a you want-a that-a short-a or tall-a?

Grandma Louise is rolling over in her...

BED! Bitch ain't dead yet mofos! And at this rate she's going to outlive us all!!!

Viva Italiano! Viva Grandma Louise-A! Viva A Slice o' Pizza! No seriously bring me some pizza!

Speaking of Joe Pa

Now Dear Readers... you know it's RARE that The Interlopere talks sports unless it's water sports but she simply must weigh in on this latest scandal that has shaken The Nittany Lion to its core. We haven't seen a lion shake this much since Matthew Broderick as Simba watched Pumbaa and Timone rim each other in The Mighty Jungle OW!

Okay - here's what we know: Jerry Sandusky is charged with being a creep and two other people are charged with perjury or some shit. And let me just say this now... this is all alleged. The Interlopere does not need another lawsuit on her hands! She can barely afford her crotchless leather thongs as it is! Here's the full deets researched by the NY Times, a somewhat reputable news source that we sometime steal from... Burning Down My Master's House by Jayson Blair anyone?

Jopa! was told about some anal action going on in the locker room by a grad assistant and "redirected him" rather than calling the Po Po.

This was in 2002. People now believe that Papa Joe knew about the rapes of little boys for a very long time and just hid it under the rug (read: Grandma Moore's weird knees. See: blog post, previous).

This all reminds me of the Grand Poobah of Catholicism, Ladies and Gentleman Ms. Holy Father Herself, Pope Benedict XVI!

Also, they look a little bit alike, right? Coincidence... or Time Life Books?

The Twit's Tweets

Here's what Mr. The Kutch wrote the other day - and then subsequently immediately took it down:

“How do you fire Jo Pa? #insult #noclass as a hawkeye fan I find it in poor taste”

Now Mr. The Kutch says that he was unaware of the scandal involving the alleged rape of young boys by one of the assistant coaches. Hmmmm... I call bullshit.

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B: Mr. The Kutch is so linked in - way more connected than most that he even guest edited Details talking about social media, used the word 'bifurcated' and basically just shat all over the page espousing how connected he is:

Now he's backtracking and being all duh, i'm sorry, duh, i'm just a stupid actor.

He's so scared he's probably crawling back to hide in the folds of Grandma Moore's knees... I'm just saying they're weird looking:

The Fagademy Awards!,0,5410457.story

"Bringing Billy back home is a good thing," said Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences president Tom Sherak. "He's funny. He's a comic by trade and he's an iconic Oscar host."

Well, I thinking bringing Billy back home is a safe thing after Franco assholed his way through the telecast last year while Hathaway perked up her nipples with ice from Spago by Wolfgang Puck!

Also, be honest Academy - you wanted Edward Murphy because you thought he would do something outrageous that would cause controversy and drive up ratings. Well, you got your wish. Or OR! is this all a plan by the Academy and is it still being produced by Brett Fatner? And this is how we get ratings these days? Are they all being paid off to drum up a little publicity a few months before the telecast? I mean, you can't pay for this kind of buzz.

And really, so Mr. Fatner said that rehearsal is for fags. I mean, hello-y! Aren't we the inventors of musical theatre? The home of rehearsals?! Or maybe he was talking about Matthew Broderick and his long history in musical theatre and how all he would do is bitch, bitch, bitch about no rehearsals.

Coincidence... or Time Life Books

Dear Readers -

Riddle me this. The Interlopere goes upstate (or did she?) and the proverbial shit hits the fan. Gone in 2 days: Brett Fatner, Grandpa Edward Murphy, Joe Papa, Silvio Berlusconi, The Greek Guy Who People Were Praying Would Go Away Anyway, The President of Penn State (who cares?) and Ashton Kutch's Tweets.

In the next few hours, days and weeks we'll be dissecting, bifurcating, masticating and spitting it all back out at you!

Don't worry - oh! And if there's something you want us to report on - call it in on our new hotline: Foursquare!

And finally, Happy Veterans' Day!

Still Life

Dear Readers -

There is so so so much for The Interlopere to report on today. We consider ourselves the Joan Didion of blogging. Dry, sensible reportage.

But first, on a lighter note, let's start today with a gorgeous still life: Paco With Lube.

Good Morning indeed!

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

This is definitely So Pierre!

“I have never acted inappropriately with anyone. Period.”

Oh come off of it Mr. McCain! Surely you have acted inappropriately at some point with someone? Right? I mean who the h-e-double hockey sticks are you? Me? I don't think so.

I'm pretty sure Morgan Freeman has been to a tea party. He's a rich person. And all rich people go to the Four Seasons. It's a fact. I was there once and I'm not even a rich person... on the outside.

It's all a little too Pierre for me!

Monday, November 7, 2011

Am I The Only One - Melissa Etheridge

Am I the only one who thinks this shit is racist: Ahmir "Questlove" Thompson and Tarik (tah-REEK') "Black Thought" Trotter formed The Roots in 1987 after meeting at Philadelphia's High School for Creative and Performing Arts. They are the house band for "Late Night with Jimmy Fallon" on NBC.

The fact that the Associated Press via the NY Times has to put a pronunciation for Tarik??? It's really that unusual of a name? How else would you pronounce it?

This feels a little Pierre to me.

I'm not afraid of the black man running - Sufjan Stevens

The problem is particularly acute among Hispanics and African-Americans. Several studies have found that only about 50% of black and Hispanic students graduate from high school, compared with 75% of white students.

How in the shittin' shit is this bullshit still possible? What the mother shittin' are we doing wrong? Or - here is The Interlopere's theory Dear Readers... what are many people doing w(r)Hite to keep my brothers of color down?

That is So Pierre!

The Interlopere: Asking the questions that are necessary for barrier free living.

Herman McCain... you got some 'splaining to do!

Hmmmm. Okay. It seems like he might be a little grabby in the derriere area, if you know what I mean Dear Readers (do you know what I mean Dear Readers?).

The woman reportedly making the accusations will hold a press conference with her attorney Gloria Allred on Monday.

Gloria Allred. Now as you all know I am 100% FEMINIST. Through and through - DIVA! But Gloria Allred? She's like Johnny Cochran (RIP) but white and a lady. Meaning that she's a bit of a show pony and I don't really think people in the legal community take her seriously... right? Also, it feels like what she does is hold press conferences. When is the last time Ms. Allred was actually in a court room?

The Interlopere: Asking the questions that deserved to be asked.

We just doin' some churren' rearin'

Now listen Dear Readers I think all those little sons-of-bitchin' kids that you have should be punished. Withhold their organic greens, cancel those Mommy and Me classes and NO! You Little Bastard YOU CAN'T HAVE THE EWOK VILLAGE FOR CHRISTMAS! That one still hurts.

But this seems extreme. These Pearls seem like real God-fearing Christians (read: racist homophobic scary creeps) but their methods are a little bananas.

The methods, seen as common sense by some grateful parents and as horrific by others, are modeled, Mr. Pearl is fond of saying, on “the same principles the Amish use to train their stubborn mules.”

Absolutely! Can I get an AMEN?!

What the mother effin' shit is wrong with people? If I've said it once, I've said it one thousand times: ABORTIONS.

That's So Pierre!

I have a new idea for a brilliant TV show and it's called That's So Pierre! It's about the (mis)adventures of a three-legged cat named Pierre.

Things that are So Pierre:

Pooping your pants as an adult

Going on vacation in Mexico and only speaking Cantonese

Driving a rental car on the wrong side of the road

Getting drunk on rubbing alcohol

Having sex with a prostitute and forgetting to pay

Using your IPad as a Maxi Pad

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Sunday Funday

Just because.

We still love you You Saucy Minx.

Reverend Retard

Admittedly I have skimmed this article. Because it's all bullshit. Listen Rev. Russell... The Interlopere - also a Reverend and she is one nasty bitch!

I have hesitated to talk about this Kim Divorce Thing because I know nothing about it, and quite frankly don't want to. But what I do know is that her divorce or any divorce for that matter does not make the case for Bob & Bob or Laquisha & Wu to get married. What queers don't divorce?

Nigga, please.

Get off your high horse Sue. Using a Z-list celebretard to make your case to repeal DOMA. You a dumb ass.

And If by 'Risks' You Mean Big Paychecks...

Let me tell you about risks. It's called Aunt Shannon bringing her 'friend' home to Grandma Betty for the first time:

Aunt Shannon: Mom, this is Jody... my girlfriend.

Grandma Betty: She looks like Paul McCartney.

Risks is devoutly Catholic Grandma Louise yelling at my uncle's estranged girlfriend:

Estranged Girlfriend: Louise, your son got me pregnant.

Grandma Louise: Well then have an abortion!

Leonardo DiCraprio making a movie where he has to kiss Arm & Hammer on the lips while wearing a frock from the Dress Barn Outlet because he gained some weight eating too many cupcakes all the while making many millions of dollars and is a guarantee for an Oscar nomination... not risky.

Risky is Salma Hayek whipping out her titties in sub-Saharan Africa to feed the children. And making Puss 'n' Boots 3D. Girlfriend - you are set for life. Don't make shitty movies.

Risk is me writing this scathing blog post... I'll Never Eat Lunch in This Town Again!

You gotta run run run run run....

I haven't seen a Satmar run this fast since they were chasing scantily clad (read: hipsters) ladies off the bike lane Bedford Ave.

Maybe he's competing in the NYC Marathon?

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Ladies and Gentleman... The Interlopere

Simply Stunning if I do say so myself. And I Do!

The Interlopere

I know many of you are curious about The Interlopere's identity so I'm including some recents shots of her, inspired by Sharon Stone, Princess Leia and Joan and Bootsy Collins.


File Under: Literally

Now listen Dear Readers - I am not making fun. I'm in awe. Lady Gaga can lick my clit because this shit is worth $5 billion trilliions.

I mean... the way she struts in those heels. Pay it for the Honey B Diva!


This has nothing to do with nothing (what does?!) other than this is the best possible example of how my mom talks to my step dad... the "love of her life" according to her Facebook page which I drunkenly discovered with my girlfriends David and Sarah and some bitch named Piccina - she's a female dog. Chill son!

Enough is Enough

Sometimes you just have to know when to say no. I mean, come on Lady Gaga - a Thanksgiving special? What are you a cast member of Peanuts? A Muppet? This shit is ridiculous. Take your beef curtains and go do "weird" things like show up to see Grandma Abramovich at MOMA or something similarly "avant-garde".

Even Aunt Shannon knew when to say when after a work out at the Court Jester she would limit herself to only a dozen chicken wings and a Coors Light (emphasis on the Light!). True story, the Court Jester used to have a built in snack bar with booze. And you could smoke! The '80s were grand!

Cruel and Unusual Punishment

Now in no way, Dear Readers, is the Interlopere an advocate of child pornography (unless you count all of those gorgeous tranny boys and gender queers that look 15) but this sentence is outrageous! OUT-rageous! I AM OUT RAGED,

A: It's Florida. So no real shock there. There's a reason the state looks like a dick with one nut. Think about it.

B: The guy sentenced: Latino.

C: In America we don't like to talk about sex.

Now before you get your panties bunch up around your nut sacks we know that kids and sex are a bad idea (Poppa, can you hear me?!) but life in prison sans parole??

Cruel and unusual punishment Herr Judge.


The Interlopere

Thursday, November 3, 2011


Do A Barrel Roll.

Tons o' Fun

Speaking of Poop

Sorry for the break. I was crowning and then I had to froth my almond milk.

Dear Readers - I've heard from some of you about the disparity in my posts. It's true. Listen, she's been busy, working two jobs. Overnight shifts at the 5 and dime and then hustlin' at the local watering hole trying to get my kid a new daddy. Oh wait - that was my mom, circa '85 working the stock shifts at the brand new CVS!!! on Main Street Johnson City and then shakin' her tired ass over to the Headquarters - right down the street! to meet a man while The Interlopere stayed at home, playing with big sis's Barbies and dreaming that one day I too could be really thin and have blonde hair (and people say dreams don't come true... I'm still waiting for that Dream House - *hint hint*).

But seriously, here's a fun little story to share at the Thanksgiving table. We have been busy. Two jobs, no money, buckets of wine being forcefully fed to me via a wine glass. Sometimes I don't even have the time or energy to take a shower before I mount my steel horse and pedal off to the homeless shelter. One time I fell asleep in my pants - who hasn't?! Don't judge! - and in the morning, when I awoke and pealed off those pants there was some kind of chunk stuck to my leg. I had David inspect. He touched, he smelled, he said "Gross! it's poop" and I begged him to pull it off because it was stuck in my leg hair and really I have a very low pain threshold. He refused and told me to go wash it off. So I went to the kitchen sink and grabbed my Chore Boy - the sponge, not David! - and got it out, put my pants back on and went to work. David was grossed out that I didn't shower but I'm pretty sure it was not my poop. You know how sometimes cats get those dingleberries? And Pierre has a really hard time wiping with only three legs. And he's often drawn to my clothing... who isn't!?

Anyway, I've been busy. I'm on the verge of welfare. Or on verge of greatness. You be the judge. Or don't!

Occupy Oakland, Again

And I don't know why I'm thinking about this when Oakland is fucking shit up at the port and all but when I look at footage it reminds me of the time when Aunt Shannon, Cousin Mary and I took an afternoon's baton twirling class in a city park upstate. We all wore spandex shorts (they were VERY popular then) and twirled with a fervor not seen since Circus of the Stars!

Now I know it says Aunt "Jamie" and her hair is not exactly the shade of blonde/green that Aunt Shannon's was back then, but the cigarette, Bud Light and swing tank are 100% Shannon. And yes, the music is not Brenda Carlini AKA Brenda Carlisle's Heaven is A Place on Earth but this is as close as we can get without actually being there.

Occupy Oakland

Okay, this picture is on the front of the MSNBC website and I have mixed feelings about it. A: it feels inherently racist. As I've previously reported - okay it was the NY Times - the face of this have been whiter than my ass on a winter's morn after having been covered in my serape all fall. So when the shit goes down (you better be ready - when the shit goes down!) they put a black man on the cover of the site? Black Man! Black Man! Also, the other person wearing that scarf... come on, we all know what that means - so here's my initial feeling about that photo. There's more, but still no coffee. It's coming.

And then I'm all HELL YEAH Oakland. This is exactly what we need to be doing - and by we - full disclaimer I haven't gone down there or done anything yet other than continue to be a monthly sustainer for WNYC and a Guardian of Liberty at the ACLU Bitches!!! $10 a month!

But seriously Dear Readers - Oakland. I think Tupac is from there. But really, I mean, Oakland. Where in the 2000 census more black people lived there than white people. Oakland where the unemployment rate is 10.5%, well above the national average - listen I just did a quick Internet search and this is what it told me... but I believe!

Anyway, Occupy this mofos is what they are sayin' and I agree!!!

I love Herman McCain!

What the shit is he talking about it? There's so much good stuff here. Particularly when he's talking to the audience of Whities about slavery and free at last and shit. All of those fat asses are jumping out of their seats like he's giving away some Godfather's pizza...

Also, please note the shit-eatin' grin at the end, the soul singer singin' "Herman McCaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiin" and then maybe "traaaaaiiiN" and "You're love's coming down like... raaaaaaiiiiiin"

And finally - the piece de resistance: If 10% is good enough for God, then 9% should be just fine for the Federal Government - Herman Cain - 8/18/2011.

Um, now Pa, I ain't much skooled in taxes and moneys and what those Chinese do but have we been donatin' 10% to g-d?

What the nutsack is happening here? Also, I mean a 9% flat tax for everyone?! 9% sales tax on everything? Food?!

I'm in!

McCain 2012!!!

I Just Threw Up In My Mouth Part 1

I don't know what the shit is going on here but this part is so important that I couldn't let it go...

Or whatever, I just don't have that much to say this AM...

Or, I haven't had any coffee yet. Hmmmmm?

Anyway, this was supposed to be on the last post but I'm being a bit of a Tweetard right now.

I'm all for responsible parenting and shit (am I?!) but Park Slope Parents need to get a job! I mean, A: If you're really a parent, like the parents I know, you're too busy getting wasted after those bastards go to bed so there is no way you would have time to put together a slide show. B: You can barely get a job because you're basically computer illiterate so there is no way you would put together a slide show. C: Please see A.

Also, are the Park Slope Parents retahded? Please see "Finding/Hiring a Nanny". Um, it's called getting the your friend's slutty tween to come over and give her boyfriend (or girlfriend) a hand job while smoking cigarettes and tweeting. Shit ain't that hard.

I Just Threw Up In My Mouth

Okay, here's my final point about this because the more I read the more my retinas bleed breast milk (I know I've already told you this story but it's just too good not to repeat: Me - Hey Mom, was I breast fed? Her - I don't want to talk about it!).

If these Park Slope Parents have enough time to produce - and presumably read - a 70 PAGE!! Power Point why don't they have enough time to raise their own children? Riddle me this?!

Okay I lied - 15% of Park Slope Parents give paid time off for "major Jewish holidays". Well, that's great because I'm sure your Dominican/Mexican/Guatemalan Nanny really loves the time off to get her Seder ready or build her family's sukkah in preparation for the Feast of Tabernacles. If you search "race" in this document the only thing that comes up is Windsor TerRACE. Hmmmmmm...

Also, this whole post is a hyperlink? I don't know how I do it! Literally, I don't know how I do it?