Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Crystal Bridges vs. Louis Vuitton



Now Dear Readers you know I love a luxury good like nobody's business. If my diamonds aren't Cartier my panties are! *hint hint. But I'm afraid that the new M. Louis Vuitton ad with M. Muhammad Ali has my panties in a bunch.


I have few associations the M. Ali but one of those is from Ted Koppel's wonderful 2001 memoir 'Off Camera: Private Thoughts Made Public' in which he details seeing M. Ali at a sporting event and approaching him to ask him how it feels to be the Greatest Athlete Who Ever Lived to which M. Ali responds "I'm still just a nigger." 


This was written sometime before 2001 when M. Koppel reports that his wife is "frequently his 'voice' these days" so 12 or more years later it makes me wonder who was his voice in deciding to lend his image to the M. Louis Vuitton ad?
Now if I may deconstruct the above image for a bit. M. Ali's grandson is in the foreground and the caption for the ad is "Some stars show you the way. Muhammad Ali and a rising star. Phoenix, Arizona"
The text implies that M. Ali is able to teach his grandson how to fight. Anyone who knows anything knows that M. Ali was diagnosed with Parkinson's in 1984 and has probably suffered from it earlier than that. It's unfair and cruel and makes M. Ali's struggles with the disease less relevant. He can't teach anyone anything. And that's okay. He has a disease. Quick American Super Hero Syndrome! He's Infallible! He's Immortal!


Time Magazine, on the occasion of M. Ali's 70th birthday in February of this year, published 
 A Champion in Purgatory, in which they reported "Muhammad Ali is at a point in his life where he doesn't really do very  much", "Sometimes his face freezes and he looks frightened, like he is in the midst of a nightmare", "A frozen stare creased his fase as the night wore on", and "Time has not been kind to Ali's health". My objection - in part - to the advertisement is the man who refused the Vietnam War by famously saying "I ain't go no quarrel with them Viet Cong... they never called me nigger" will be remembered as a pitch man for a mutli-thousand dollar bag. 

The campaign, which in the past has featured Angelina Jolie, Bono, Francis Ford Coppola and Sophia Coppola among others is part of the Louis Vuitton Core Values campaign. On their website two things appear when a search for "Core Values" is made. Annie Liebovitz and Angelina Jolie. I watched a video of the latter and apparently "Core Values" means white privileged people being amazed that in a war-torn country - in this case Cambodia - there would be landmines left over from said war! And then a graphic pops up that says with help from the "international community" landmines have decreased since 2000. Whoa. I refused to watch Annie talk about her townhouse troubles and how she had to sell her collection of LV luggage to pay last month's mortgage. 

And listen, I don't really care what a company does with their money. But calling something "Core Values" makes me at least think they're doing something with their money.

But my beef is not with their philanthropic nature (or lack thereof), it is with taking an icon who was so clear on his place in this world and putting him somewhere he has no idea. 

His image is dead already and in the advertisement he appears post-mortem, photoshopped from his wheelchair to back patio. How long did Annie have to have her assistants stand there to get him to smile? How much steadying did they have to do to M. Ali? Did he enjoy it? By all reports he's barely audible and incoherent when he is. He appears frozen on the page. This is not Ali from the ring, instead it's Rocky Part 16: Human Growth Hormone Gone Terribly Wrong.

I don't pretend to be naive about the nastiness of advertising. I was once a teenage model and feel a strong affinity for Peggy on 'Mad Men' but sweet Jesus are there not enough "legends" alive and well that you can rape? Shirley Maclaine must be finished filming Season 3 of 'Downton Abbey' by now and I would love to see her rat-a-tatting it up for M. Louis Vuitton. Right? 

When he told M. Koppel, already in the throes of Parkinson's that he was still "just a nigger" he sadly got it right once again.

 

Sunday, June 17, 2012

The Interlopere - Special Father's Day Edition




I thought he was a man but he was just a little boy.
Fiona Apple

Dear Readers -

Congratulations! You have just been given the honor and pleasure of another The Interlopere post by Crystal Bridges. And she's in a snit!

I saw Dear Ol' Dad recently and was not shocked by him. After years of reparative therapy, electric shock treatments and buckets of anti-psychotics Crystal Bridges was able to sit in the room with Dad (for full disclosure we are not sure that he is the dad of Crystal Bridges but this is what we've been told our entire 25 years of existence).

I woke up angry this morning and couldn't figure out why. And being the great patient that I am I thought a little harder about it and remembered today is Father's Day. The day when we celebrate the emotionally retarded with gifts like alcohol, IPads, golf accessories and the like.

Now of course not all fathers are dead inside but then this isn't for you. So the rest of this post will be sweeping generalizations, stereotypes, innuendo and bitchiness. But here's my thesis: Even if your dad is nice I would argue still incapable of real emotion. And why is this?

Well, first of all, I'd like to blame the Boomers. I'd like to blame anything post WWII: plastic, Levittown, TV, etc.

And now I'd like to turn my attention to the mothers of said Boomers: enablers. Growing up mom always told me that Grandma Louise - Lou - would wipe my father's ass for him as an adult. I always thought this to be conjecture but I'm no longer so sure. I watched her clip my adult uncle's toenails and just recently watched a sparring match between my father and his mother - still going strong at 92! - that elicited empathy on my father's behalf. She must have been a bear. OverBEARing. This of course - along with an alcoholic grandfather - spawned the joy that is (allegedly) my father: abusive, corrosive, alcoholic, animalistic and pathetic. He's always been all of these things. And he's always been disinterested in changing any of them. And he always blames anyone and everyone else. Usually women, starting with his mother on down. Women are bad because his mother was probably a terror. And now he terrorizes women - me included! - because he can. Or he used to be able to. Now, he's more of an bull that's been put out to pasture, waiting to die or be killed.

And I don't want to wax pathetic just about my dad or dads in general because really Dear Readers this post should be called Special Mens Edition. Because most of them are all Baby Retards, filled with miles and miles of cowardice which oftentimes takes the form of bravado. Bitch please.

Over the past week I've spent a lot of time with two of my best girlfriends. Let's call them Laverne and ... Shirley. Laverne has been kind of dating this guy who has a girlfriend where's he's from. Let's say Peoria. Laverne knew about it. This guy, let's call him Batman, was open about it. They had a whirlwind romance, sex, fun, he met her friends, he went out with her, he became - very quickly - integrated into Laverne's life. And then 10 days later he just wants to be "friends".

Now, Crystal Bridges, being the ace reporter that she is - Gorgeous is on vacation, FYI - went out to Peoria to get the scoop. Batman told me he was "emotionally empty" & "retarded". Crystal Bridges could not argue. I believed him when he told me his intention was never to hurt Laverne. But the fact remained that she was hurt. That after he came on her feet, she was dumped like the rag he used to clean it up. And this is what really burns my bridges. Maybe your intention was not malicious but the effects of your actions are real and harmful and things don't go away because you say so and just want to be "friends". Why are men all little boys? And when I told him this - or rather asked him - or told him - who knows? I was already three Remy Martins in - he just sat there and shrugged like a 5 year old who had just peed in his pants and told everyone it was chocolate milk (true story).

Now Shirley was involved - up until very recently with Robin - a man ten years her senior with a recent  ex. Shirley was promised diamonds and pearls. And what she got was a series of dismissive, pathetic texts apologizing profusely and ultimately asking not to be contacted again. He realized that he was still in love with his ex after 4 months of coital bliss with Shirley. And just like that it's over. Because he said so. Now I read these texts and he apologized over and over and over again (see peed pants, 5 year old) but it just wasn't enough. Even for Crystal Bridges who has never even met Robin. I felt scorned!

And why do women settle for these tools? Why did my mother? Why are women constant mothers who have to change the proverbial shit-filled diaper for their men? Is feminism alive and well anywhere outside of my lesbian brothers and sisters?!

And don't even get me started on gays. They're just as bad - maybe even worse. I just watched Oprah interview Neil Patrick Harris and David Burtka - don't judge, it's slow at the 5 & Ten on a Sunday! - and she asked them which was the maternal one. Now if that's not offensive enough they fucking answered it. Of course it's David because NPH - while out and about all over God's green Earth - cannot appear too gay because he's the bigger star. So while the twins are sucking at the teet of Burtka NPH is off "building things" or some other shit. But he'll be there when the kids want to build a play house because "I love to build playhouses". Quick: Heteronormativity! Let's all get married! What the interview failed to mention is that when the nanny puts the kids to bed NPH and David are inviting a trick from Grindr over to suck the jizz out of each others' assholes.

There are so many other examples I could list here to prove my point about the lack of emotional availability of those with a wee wee between their legs, but why bother because you all know it's true. Mandatory therapy for all men! Quit being dicks. Maybe I've just been watching too many Fiona Apple  videos.

So Happy Father's Day! Don't fucking expect a card from me this year or any.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

FIle Under: Bat Shit Banana Town Ooo-Ooo

Now Dear Readers as I'm sure most of you know Crystal is not a political gal but sometimes she has to throw her hat in the ring and straighten out a few misconceptions, lies and nuttiness. And Crystal is about to get nutty.

Rick Santorum's latest opus, Obamaville, is what Leni Riefenstahl would have made had she lived just a few years more. In fact, I would guess that Heir Santorum knows a thing or two about Triumph of the Will or as Crystal likes to call it: Propaganda or How One Beautiful Movie Assisted in the Slaughter of Millions of Jews.

Rick Santorum's vision of another Obama presidency is a mixture of V, Children of the Corn and a Very Special Scooby Doo with Special Guest Stars: Batman and Robin. 


Welcome to Obamaville with Special Guest Stars: Barack Obama, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Back from the Grave: Osama Bin Laden.


**Please note: all other regular, read: normal, residents of Obamaville are white and have been or will be defiled by the above three Trio of Color!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.

RACIST.

NASTY.


Wednesday, March 21, 2012

A Must Read and ReTweet and RePost By Crystal Bridges




I know Crystal has been away from The Interlopere because quite frankly she can't stop tickling her Twitter but there is so much bullshit going on it's going to take me a lot longer than 140 characters to spew my rage.

Let's start with Tyler Clementi. He killed himself after being videotaped making out shirtless with another man. This videotape was broadcast to some other students at Rutgers by Dhuran Ravi. First of all everyone from The New York Times to The Brian Lehrer Show to The View is repeatedly outing Clementi from the grave. Partially because we have such a narrow view of sexuality in this country and partially because they want to prove how bad it is to beat up on poor unsuspecting homos. Let me give you all a little lesson in Queer: Because one makes out with a man sans shirt does not make him a Homosexual Officiel. It makes him horny? or curious? or bored or maybe gay? Maybe he was bisexual. I've made out with trannies, lesbians, straights, gays, the homeless, whites, blacks and everything in between and I'm not sure I'm any of that. So fuck you and stop outing this kid from the grave. He was an 18-year old trying to figure shit out. Does any media outlet (and I know Barbra Walters doesn't think The View is a news program yet she prides herself on being a journalist??) think that what they're doing is making him die a second death? Isn't the outing of him as an alleged gay one of the causes of his death? And I say 'one of the causes' because what else no one wants to talk about is how there has to be some predisposed mental health issues going on for one to take such an extreme action. Crystal never took her life when someone spray painted "FAGGOT" on her driveway after she was chased for miles on a country road. No, she took solace when mom went down to the Pump 'n' Pantry and found that little bitch who did it and slapped her on the face. Many years of analysis later she is still upset about it but she manages to carry on. I digress...

Part two: Dhuran Ravi. Yes what he did was in poor taste and mean spirited. But is it worth ten years in prison? Must we ruin two young peoples' lives. And now there is talk of deportation. Sweet Jesus America loves to ride her high horse. Crystal last rode a high horse in Portland, Oregon while Aunt Shannon and Cousin Mary were in the wine barn gettin' their drink on. But seriously Dear Readers, wouldn't his time be better spent graduating from college, manning a suicide assistance line and going to therapy? It's not like his life is going to be easy. Even if he can graduate and stay in this country would you hire the guy who made the gay guy jump to his death? Google can be a prison sentence.

Now on to Occupy Wall Street: What the shit? You come out after the six month anniversary. Were you hibernating during the winter? One of the warmest on season certainly can not be to blame for your absence. And please, Sweet Jesus tell me what you are standing for? Or against? Okay I know you're against corporate greed. Great. What are you doing with your money? As of 10/31/11, according to WNYC - read the link bitches - you had nearly half a million dollars. What are you spending it on? Did you invest in the stock market? Were you figuring out what to do with it while wintering in Mexico or Aspen or waiting in line for your new IPads? How about taking that money and going to East Bumblefuck and renting storefronts in every little crevice of a town and talk to the people. Instead of hanging out in urban areas, depressed and pale because you can't get a job even though you have your Master's Degree in Philosophy. WAH WAH WAH. Seriously, organize and get a point and get a manifesto or else we are all going to be sucking on the tit of Mitt Romney come November. And if you need a leader, Crystal's your gal. Oh wait, you don't want a leader right? Ugh.

Now on to France and Trayvon Martin. Oh White People. And Star Jones and once again the media. Let me tell you a little story. Crystal recently got cable television and by cable television I mean I plugged an antenna into the back and boom! I get to watch all of my morning programs. Okay so people are outraged that there's Anti-Semitism in Europe and racism in America. As if World War II happened during the Peloponnesian War and when we talk about slavery we're referencing Ancient Egypt. This shit happened yesterday so why people feign surprise (and I swear to g_d if I hear one more asshole say "But I thought we were post-racial since Obama" I am going to SCREAM! And just let me say this 'post-racial' is a term used by people who don't want to acknowledge the uncomfortable difference amongst us based on our race. WHITE GUILT) I will never know. Seriously Star Jones was on The Today Show with two other yahoos talking about Trayvon Martin in shock. Has she heard of South Florida before? Anyone else remember Broward County? The 2004 election? Disney for Christ's sake! But seriously that segment was about 5 minutes, nothing compared to the coverage they gave - and for some reason Star Jones was there too! - to the Mark Cherry/Nicolette Sheridan Desperate Housewives trial and then of course Ann Curry's borderline-retarded interview with Kirk Cameroon. Who by the way loves all people and doesn't hate gays but just thinks that they're morally deprived termites who eat at the very core that is American Society.

And France. Has anyone ever been to or heard of Europe. The outrage that someone could kill Jews. When did Anti-Semitism go away? Was Crystal gettin' her hair did at the Hair Zoo with Grandma Betty when all of this went down? And thankfully it was a Muslim who did the shooting because The Universal Evil is never anything that we are happy without. This will give the right a chance to espouse how all Muslims are killers and the left to do nothing and feign surprise and "Oh My God how can anyone say such hideous things?!"

And now let's briefly touch on Rush Limbaugh and free speech. He's gross, he's fat, he's a pill-popper, misogynist, etc., etc., etc. But last I checked he's an American and the 1st Amendment is meant to protect exactly this kind of speech. Why does this feel like my freshman essay on censorship? Oh, because it was and Americans are a bunch of 'tards who like to ride their moral high horses (see Oregon, Portland) and feign shock over and over and over again. Where is Oprah when we need her to lead us through such trying times? Oh, she's hugging Bobbi Kristina and screaming at Stedman over the phone - you know they sleep in separate wings! - because OWN can't attract a rating higher than the series finale of Cop Rock . And same goes for Kirk Cameroon. If he wants to say that gays are shit-eatin', cum-drizzlin' disgusting fagoids that spread AIDS and rape babies, let him! I get to say this. You get to say what you believe. We can all be outraged at each other and call it a day. And since were on this subject let me briefly touch base on the cause of Limbaugh's outrage Ms. Sandra Fluke. A lovely, composed and intelligent woman who doesn't seem to want to enter into the nastiness, minus the appearances on Rachel Maddow, The View and too many other media outlets to name. Don't cry to me when you go to Congress and testify on a really heated issue (and let me clarify, it's the media and not Ms. Fluke that seem to be doing most of the crying). You put yourself in the public eye and you make yourself available for comment, regardless of how kind or cruel. This allows me to say things like "Sherri Shepherd is a dumbass who didn't know the Earth was round." " I just got to make a living and support my son, Jeffrey." True story. YouTube it.




And speaking of gays: stop GLITTERBOMBING. It makes us all look stupid. Can there please be a more effective way of organizing rather than faggily throwing glitter while trouncing around like a fairy? Save that for home, or your senior thesis of "performance art" or that festival in Tennessee where everyone dresses like fairies and elves. Oooh. Seriously. How 'bout you take a page out of the chapter of The Black Panters and ORGANIZE. And really, can we ask for more than gay marriage. I am so fucking tired of gay marriage. Remember that little line in that little book (or movie for those of you who don't read more than my Tweets) Revolutionary Road: We're Just Like Everyone Else. This used to be a bad thing. It was what the counter culture was afraid of: assimilation. Now it's what we strive for. Oh good! We can register for the Crate & Barrel Wedding Contest too! I have a partner do you have a partner we all have partners sexless eunuchs of a partner. BLAH.

Finally, I am concluding with a wonderful essay by Mr. Teju Cole in The Atlantic which can be found, and should be read: here. Now brace yourself Twihards because it's a long one and may take more than one sitting on the pot to fully digest. It's called The White Savior Industrial Complex and has been Tweeted and Facebooked by many a white person. It started off as a series of Tweets (brilliant: Anti-Intellectual Populism) and ended up as a full-fledged essay in The Atlantic (not brilliant: Elitist, left-leaning, exclusionary) which talks specifically about whites (and Oprah which I LOVE) and their sentimentality towards Africa which was sparked by Cole's viewing of the Kony 2012 video. It really is brilliant but I would argue that if fails on two levels: it doesn't explicitly implicate the author in being guilty of the same Complex which is really American Exceptionalism. There is mention of it in this passage:
I write all this from multiple positions. I write as an African, a black man living in America. I am every day subject to the many microaggressions of American racism. I also write this as an American, enjoying the many privileges that the American passport affords and that residence in this country makes possible. I involve myself in this critique of privilege: my own privileges of class, gender, and sexuality are insufficiently examined. My cell phone was likely manufactured by poorly treated workers in a Chinese factory. The coltan in the phone can probably be traced to the conflict-riven Congo. I don't fool myself that I am not implicated in these transnational networks of oppressive practices.


Yet he does fool himself. And he chose to publish the article in The Atlantic and not USA Today - the nation's most read "newspaper". And he doesn't say that the mere writing of this article is about being better that the rest. He can call out Nicholas Kristof but not himself?  Kristof acts as the savior through his work in Africa and The New York Times and Cole does the same in this essay just as Crystal is doing in this blog post. NO ONE IS ABOVE THE FRAY. We are all searching for justification of our outrage and ideals and most importantly - and what no one other than Bob Dylan & Crystal will ever admit - to be applauded for that outrage and ideals and to be told we're right. Or better yet to be told we're wrong because what better way to celebrate our intellects than to have Nicholas Kristof argue with us on various media outlets. America loves her wars and Twitter wars are The New Black.















Friday, February 24, 2012

For Joanne

You should all watch and love this video and then share it and Tweet it and Foursquare it and fuck it because it's great!

xo
Crystal

Speaking of Pussy

Now I know you're all wondering, Dear Readers, where has Crystal been? Well, she's been down in Virginia getting her pussy examined for her future abortions. More on that later. But seriously I was talking to my homegirl Joanne yesterday and we decided this: Sisters have got to do it for themselves. Ain't no one gonna do it for you.

But anyway, while I was sunning my hoo-haw in VA a lot of shit has happened. Like #1 it's 1973 again, decades before Crystal was born, but we have some loony toonies talking about my vagina and her vagina and aspirins in knees and infanticide and whoa!!! Someone pass me the good stuff because if this is a time warp I want to reap the benefits? Right Jimmy? You with me Janice?!

But seriously... you know Crystal is a big fan of abortions. More abortions government funded. Period. But now we got this Holy Coven of Crazies up there telling all the ladies that they know what's best for my pussy. First we have this birth control debacle where - speaking of pussy - President Obama has said that insurers, even those associated with religious institutions, would have to pay for birth control. The INSURERS. NOT the institutions. So of course you get every wing nut with two teeth left and a second grade vocabulary (and Rick Santorum carrying around his dead fetus child) saying that Obama hates religion is Muslim loves Satan and fucks small dead children while officiating gay weddings. YES JESUS!!!! And what does Obama do?

"Sorry guys." Enter John Boner crying and Mick Jagger passes him the microphone so he can sing about his Sweet Home Chicago? You know what Obama? You better grow a pair so that your scared "I'll have unilateral talks with Iran" ass doesn't get sent back to Chicago. HILLARY 2012!!!! I'm tired of this shit already. Michelle better take those arms and make Obama the power bottom we know he is and fist the sense into him! Stand up brother!

Okay so there's that. Ugh. And then there's this bullshit about having to examine my VAGINE before I decide - as an adult - to terminate my pregnancy; to remove the toenail size growth from my uterine lining; to vacuum out something the size of what Pierre throws up just to have Paco eat it. FUCK YOU. Why don't all of the doctors and scientists stand up and say NO. Take out a fucking full page ad in every national newspaper (not counting USA Today - that shit lines The BirdCage starring Mr. Robin Williams and Mr. Nathan Lane) and say FUCK OFF. We're not going to do it. Here's the text:

FUCK OFF. As a nation of abortion providers we are dedicated to giving women then highest quality health care where there dignity is maintained throughout ANY procedure, including but not limited to abortions. We will not force them into some sentimental 3-D schlock fest about how their fetus will grow up to be a Great American. Most likely it will grow up to be a sociopath, somewhere on the autism spectrum that needs Ritalin from day one just to concentrate on Sesame Street. So let us do you a favor now...

Sincerely,

Doctors and Scientists.

Don't have fucking Clooney or Yoko Ono sign this shit because you know nothing tickles O'Reilly's testes like getting lefty celebs on a cause. Let's be serious about this folks.

And speaking of being serious. I can compromise. Crystal loves to compromise. So if you insist on having my pussy inspected before I decide to have an abortion fine. But the trade off is this - while you're in my pussy, acting all Avatar and shit to show me the dot matrix image inject the peanut with the good stuff and scrape it out. Two for the price of one.

I met a woman at a party recently and she told me she had a daughter. Crystal said "that's nice" not really wanting to talk about kids because nothing makes Crystal feel her 26 years more than baby talk. But then she said this:

I only had the kid because I had had too many abortions.

And that's how it should be. Get off of my clit. Vagina Dentata NOW!

Saturday, February 4, 2012

This is Cunt-ry



Now Dear Readers, Crystal comes from class: the White Zin is served in tumblers and paper plates are de riguer at all family functions under the rented white mosquito net in the back yard but this is real country trash. And Crystal can't believe she didn't think of it first because she has plenty of enemies that she would love to throw her flaming tampons at!

Friday, February 3, 2012

The New(t) Mrs. Gingrich

Dear Readers - it took us a while to break the news but this is the reason Callista went to bed early. This is why we haven't heard from Gorgeous since the primary. She is now the new Mrs. Newt Gingrich. But Callista is not the old. NO! Newt finally got the open marriage he always wanted, according to his second wife.

The Interlopere is sad to report that Gorgeous can no longer be our unbiased foreign correspondent now that she has married a candidate for the Republican nomination to become President of the United States (but secretly if she had married Roseanne we would have given her a raise!)

**Please not Gorgeous' blow out. Callista still has some say in this marriage!

Congrats Gorgeous and steer clear of Ann Romney!

xo

Crystal

Is "Tranny" Really So Offensive? Trannies weigh in!


But seriously Dear Readers - the latest "controversy" of the word "tranny" comes from "Blake Lively".

"I hope to have a few girls one day. If not girls, they better be trannies. Because I have some amazing shoes and bags and stories that need to be appreciated."

Now really, Crystal does not see what's wrong with that. It's like a complement, right? If Crystal was to be called transgender she would be flattered. And remember, Crystal may or may not be transgender. 

But here's our theory - if it comes from a place of acceptance isn't it okay? If Sherry Shepherd can call her best friends her "niggers" or excuse me, "niggas" can I call mine my "trannies"?

Let me say this: I agree that transgender folks should not be marginalized and made to feel like minstrels but I'm just not offended by the word tranny in this context. And isn't it just that, context? If this were Bill O'Reilly or Ann Coulter, yes! But Ms. Blake Lively who referred to herself as a tranny? I mean, she's gorgeous!

Weigh in transgender people all over this big gay world!



We Won!

Now Crystal doesn't want to brag but we were the first - on The Interlopere - to cover this breaking story that sent the Twittersphere into a tizzy. Now we can all get our titties checked at Planned Parenthood again. Thanks Suzie! But I've got my eye on you...


Is Lana Del Rey (LDR) Transgender?

Now Dear Readers Crystal herself may be transgender so keep your GLAAD rags out of my inbox okay?

Thank you. True story:

Young Crystal, next to Grandma Betty's bed: Grandma Betty, what are these washcloths doing on the side of your bed?

Grandma Betty: Those are my glad rags honey.

Young Crystal: Glad rags?

Grandma Betty: To clean up Grandpa's sperms.

Young Crystal:


But seriously. Last night Crystal was at a fabulous after party for a fabulous art event and one of her many admirers approached her about Ms. Lana Del Ray and told Crystal that he thought she sounded like "a tranny" so it got Crystal to thinking... is LDR a transgender? Those lips, those Barbra-nails elongating her very large hands. That voice. Just some food for thought this morning Dear Readers. Here she is on Letterman last night.



Thursday, February 2, 2012

Gotta Like Mike



I know I know that people are never in love with Mayor Bloomberg but after this generous gift I'm ready to suck it for a fourth term.

SAY YES!

Somehow... This Is Also Not Me

But this definitely could be Grandma Betty! Crystal - as you know - is a huge ally to the LGBTQ community. She loves all people. Especially those who come out in difficult circumstances, like in hip hop or the vestibule in a Capital One Bank.

"Ms. Banks considers herself bisexual, but, she said: "I'm not trying to be, like, the bisexual, lesbian rapper. I don't live on other people's terms.'"


Crystal is also not trying to live her life on other people's terms. Sistas are doing it for themselves!

Some Genius Did This And It Wasn't Me

Or Grandma Betty - don't front bitches, she's VERY tech savvy!

Let Susan G. Komen GOOOOOO

To the tune of "Let My People Go". Now obviously this Susie is a nasty bitch. BUT - but this is America and she has a right to give her money to whomever she wants. I can see whomever I choose - Sinead O'Connor via Prince
So, I think this: stop walking for breast cancer - I mean it! Did this ever do anything other than raise money for Susie? Let's start walking for Planned Parenthood. Why don't we start a new march? A better walk and get a better color and theme than "Race for the Cure" and Pollyanna Pink. Let's get punk rock with this shit and raise our own money. Like people did in 24 hours with $400,000! If you like Planned Parenthood touching your titties let's give them the money instead.

FYI - Crystal is thinking of going back to school to become an OBGYN. Then she'll give you a screening for free in her bedroom.

Love ya!

Don't Read This Post

Seriously, we have to stop caring about this dum-dum. Maybe Crystal needs to stop posting about him so our hundreds of thousands of Dear Readers won't drive the mental and emotional traffic his way. Who cares who he supports? He sucks. Let's talk about Lana Del Rey instead.


Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Lovey, Time For My Rectal Exam



This is amazing. Janet Howell (no relation to Thurston Howell III, I'm assuming) has proposed that men be required to undergo a rectal exam (yes please!) and cardiac stress test before getting their penis pills. Love that!

She attached it to a bill requiring women to get an ultrasound before an abortion. A: No one wants an ultrasound because that goo they put on your stomach is nasty and B: Get out of my puss puss mother fuckers!

Women unite! Shut this shit down.

Love this Janet Howell!!!

Poor People


Now I'm pissed. This bullshit took me away from my TV viewing.

FYI - "It's not good being very poor."

"You can focus on the very poor. That's not my focus."

"We have a very ample safety net."

Sweet Jesus you asshole. If it was so ample they in fact wouldn't be very poor, right?

Now, what is this safety net you mention? Food stamps, housing vouchers. Hmmmm.

Income Guidelines (no elderly or disabled member) in New York state

Family Size                 Monthly Gross Income*                 Annual Gross Income*
1                                 $ 1,180                                            $ 14,160
2                                 $ 1,594                                            $ 19,128
3                                 $ 2,008                                            $ 24,096
4                                 $ 2,422                                            $ 29,064

Each additional person$ 414 +                                          $ 4,968 +

Applying for a New Section 8 Voucher

New York City Housing Authority
Until further notice, as of December 10, 2009, NYCHA is no longer processing any new Section 8 applications. 


FYI Asshole. You really are a rich fuck who has no clue. I mean, I hope all of those poor honkies all over this country say "fuck you" to Mr. Romney and his millions. 

UGH.



I Smell A Rat

First Susan G. Komen and now this?!  How in the shittin' shit does Pfizer mix this up? I smell a conspiracy? Where was Calista Gingrich last night? Gorgeous reported she went to bed early - more on that later after we seek counsel from Connie Chung.

Ladies who have sex with cisgender men! Get your puss pusses in order because it looks like the world is against you!


I Am Keeping My Titties Under Wraps



Until Susan G. Komen gets her head out of her ass. This fucking retarded charity stopped funding breast exams at Planned Parenthood because they Karen Handel, the new VP of the organization is anti-choice. Follow this nasty at Twitter here and tell her that you will smack her down with all of our titty might if she doesn't stop being such a Nasthole. Can I just say that Crystal will cut a bitch.

Also, what the mother fucking shit. SGK is saying they don't fund "organizations that are under investigation by local, state or federal authorities. According to the organization, this applies to Planned Parenthood since it's the focus of an inquiry, launched by Rep. Cliff Stearns (R-Fla.), seeking to determine whether public money was improperly spent on abortions."

I'll tell you who's going to be under investigation. Grandma Louise:

Grandma Louise: Hello?

Lady Caller: Louise, this is nasty ho.

Grandma Louise: What do you want?

Lady Caller: I'm pregnant with Tom's  baby.

Grandma Louise: WELL THEN HAVE AN ABORTION!

Let Crystal tell you something, Dear Readers... SGK is a liar pants. They've got an ideologue in there as VP - note to self where is the president and why isn't she overriding this bullshit? 

I'm going to put away all of my pink ribbons, pink water, pink ponies and pink pussy. 

I would also like to say, to all those ignorant pro-life bitches out there that if organizations and the federal government and agencies, etc. stop funding breast exams at places that also provide abortions you sluts are going to be feeling each others' titties because hospitals, private practitioners and clinics provide abortions! But not nearly enough. 

Anyway, this just reaffirms Crystal's belief that cancer sucks. You have chemotherapy, radiation and oh wait! if you have breast cancer you can have your breasts removed. What exactly is Susan G. Komen doing with all of their money?  Their total assets in 2010 was over $450,000,000!!!!! Why do we have no new treatments? Stop walking ladies! Let's all find a new charity to support!



Romney Grabs a Decisive Win In Florida

Gingrich Grabs Gorgeous' Ass



During an evening which surprised no one Mitt Romney came out on top of Florida while Newt tried to dominate Gorgeous. At first we were not please but as the evening wore on (and Candace went to bed) Gorgeous and Newt got to know each other a little bit better. Stay tuned for some major news. First we must consult with Connie Chung.

Live from Boca,

Gorgeous

Thank You Connie Chung

Dear Readers - for those of you who didn't believe me, who never believe in me I would like to show you this email from Connie Chung herself, The Interlopere's IT specialist. Certain information has been removed in order to protect the innocent (Maury Povich, Grandma Betty).

I'm guessing by sausage links you mean hyperlinks imbedded in a word or sentence.  Well, as the IT specialist for The Interlopere's facebook pageConnie Chung is here to help.  Attached you will find another of screen shots that illustrate what I am about to tell.  First for the type the word/sentence you want to use (i.e. "New York magazine article) the highlight the word - see screenshot 1.  Then, select the button that says "link" - see screenshot 2.  Next, in the pop-up box that comes up copy the URL that you wish to link to the phrase in the box that says "to what URL should this link go?" - see screenshot 3. Finally, hit ok and your phrase will be linked - see screenshot 4.

TA DA!

Let me know if it works.

Signing off --
Connie Chung.

123456789101112


Mobile: bippityboppityboo
eatmytshortsyounastynast
**please note NEW email address**

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

In Defense of Lana Del Rey



Dear Readers -

Now I've heard of the backlash against her. I read the New York magazine article: http://nymag.com/daily/entertainment/2012/01/anatomy-of-a-backlash-lana-del-rey.html (I can no longer even try with those sausage links for the moment), saw the Saturday Night Live performance and finally bought the album. And this is what Crystal says:

All of you bitches are just jealous. Maybe she is no good live? I don't know. Maybe she's just not good on national TV? I've seen plenty of amazing people on record that are pretty horrible live (see Power, Cat).

Now this records takes something from Fiona Apple and Amy Winehouse (RIP) but then she turns the pop starlet on her head, totally self-aware of her place in the history of pop tarts.

The album starts with Born to Die and you hear a whisper of a voice, a giggle even. I knew nothing of her really, so I thought oh shit. Here it comes. She says "Hi. Who Me? Why?" And then goes into this deep - dare I say - Nico-esque baritone "Fate don't fail me now." Like she knew about it already. She's the anti-Miley (and Crystal loves Miley) And by the way, we are not prone to music reviews. Or are we? If only Gorgeous were here.

She sings about drugs but not as subjects a la Winehouse; for Del Rey they are merely accessories to her hipster experience which consists of melodrama, sex (lots of sex) and being the pretty girl. The very pretty girl. The pretty hipster girl you all hated and wanted to be. Except for Crystal. She was this girl and oftentimes dated her too. Crystal hasn't dabbled in the puss puss for years but Ms. Del Rey really gets her labia in a lather!

For this very reason she is also the anti-Gaga (and Crystal never liked Gaga). Gaga says she was born this way (ugly, grotesque) but Del Rey was born to die (her beauty like so many before her will be the death of her).

The album is rife with cliche. Many lyrics feel stolen from every bad movie ever made. "Light of my life, fire of my loins"; "and I'm off to the races"; "I'm crazy baby I need you to come here and save me" and these are just from one song but immediately after that she coos in her I'm-like-Britney/Mandy/Miley-too-falsetto "I'm your little Scarlett, starlet, hanging in the garden kiss me on my open mouth." A know-it-all-Lolita. Redundant? Crystal doesn't know.

The cliches keep coming but there's something about it that doesn't offend and it's consistent with her being in on the joke. On Video Game she sounds like your older sister or her trampy friend that would taunt the young boys in school, maybe give them a hand or blow job just because she could and then walk away unscathed, unafraid of any backlash because you too were afraid of her. And all the gay boys wanted to be just like her, with that bravado, that swagger, that hair. She often times comes across as the preacher's daughter, the really bad one (but probably not so bad) like Lori Singer in Footloose.

Lana will fall prey to just being herself. She'll be called dumb because she's very pretty and slutty because she seems to be pretty confident in her interest in sex and a bad influence because she doesn't walk around hiding her sexuality a la Miley Cyrus:

I hopped off the plane at LAX
with a dream and my cardigan
welcome to the land of fame excess, (woah)
am I gonna fit in?

So hard with my girls not around me
Its definitely not a Nashville party
Cause' all I see are stilletos
I guess I never got the mem

or sanitizing it by being a weird-o non-sexual "I love you all Little Monsters!" post-Madonna being. Are there any straight men actually attracted to the Gaga persona.

Also, and thank the maker, Del Rey has no Baby You're a Firework and it's okay to be gay theme song. Please don't. Crystal is tired of straight pop tarts who - and I know you like to kiss girls, so did Madonna 25 years ago - think that by being sort of gay, sometimes after two Appletinis, you are at the forefront of some new civil rights era.

Lady Gaga - I'm going to meet with President Obama and demand justice for LGBTs because they're a weak people and can't do anything for themselves.

Ugh.

Del Rey is interested in love and fun and drama and drinking and drugs and being a bad girl and nostalgia and while she's a few years younger than Crystal (she's 25, we're 28) we're close enough in age to want and long for the same thing: dancing at the dive bar with no consequences; Pre-herpes, pre the 3 abortions we had, the full time jobs, the fear of responsibilities. One thing mattered and that was to be important in your own, insular and yes hipster world. Now her world is bigger and it's for the best.

Vivia Lana Del Rey! Viva the hipster! Viva the post-pop tart!

Florida or Bust!


www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=145950542&ft=1&f=

To hear columnists Ann Coulter and Charles Krauthammer and the conservative media aggregator Matt Drudge tell it, Gingrich is an inconsistent conservative who didn't fully support President Ronald Reagan and whose undisciplined nature mirrored that of President Bill Clinton, who was Gingrich's Democratic adversary in the 1990s.

SHOCKING!

SHUCKY DUCKS!

PS. I'm working on the sausage links but for now, cut and paste Dear Readers

Monday, January 30, 2012

Mariah Carey for Jenny Craig



Now, Dear Readers, Crystal is not a hater. NOT AT ALL. At least of Mariah Carey and Jenny Craig. But Crystal will cut a bitch who fucks with her at say, a dinner party or even a movie theater.

But back to Ms. Carey. Now she looks great in this commercial. She had two babies at once, twins I believe, and was in Precious with a mustache. But she doesn't look like a weight-loss spokeswoman. Not she does not bend over or even crease her mid section. Crystal is guessing that's because all shit would break lose and the women in the front row of her "concert" would be grossed out and throw up all over the place.

Her mid section looks like a caramel coated Pillsbury Dough Boy. Which is fine. Don't get me wrong nasties. But as the image for a weight loss system? I don't know.

Also, I think the song that she is flexing her ham hocks to is from Party Girl and Parker Posey is genius!

The Help Me to Stay Awake During This Movie

http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/real-life-maid-child-cared-reunited-20-years/story?id=14079986&page=2#.TyaP4eOXRKo
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/46185039/ns/today-entertainment/#.TyaN5uOXRKo

Ugh. Now I am all for black people getting to win awards. When Oprah handed Barack Obama the President of the United States Prize I was crying with the rest of my brothers and sisters, but I can't get behind The Help. And I love Viola Davis. And that skinny white girl that was in 3000 movies last year including the one with the dinosaurs, but I can't support a movie about black people that needs another skinny white girl to save them and tell their story. Now listen Dear Readers - before you tell me to see this movie, blah blah blah - Crystal did. Opening night. She was at the Premiere! But I never understood what Emma Stone was doing in this movie and I know it was a book - Crystal does not read books if it is also a movie - but can we not tell the story of black folks in better and different ways.

Go see Pariah. Pariah for President! Precious for VP!

http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/real-life-maid-child-cared-reunited-20-years/story?id=14079986&page=2#.TyaP4eOXRKo

Ugh.

Sausage Links


That's what I'm calling all of my "hyper links" in this blog. I can't always do it correctly so just trust me that what I'm linking to is absolutely relevant.

Crystal got A LOT of unsolicited feedback over the weekend from Coo Coo Bananas The Interlopere fans and the praise was all universal.

Just sayin'.

Now You Can Get Your Diarrhea Before Lunch


http://www.washingtonpost.com/business/industries/taco-bell-joins-other-fast-food-heavyweights-vying-for-breakfast-crowds/2012/01/26/gIQAtTCSSQ_story.html

Now listen Dear Readers - Crystal loves her 7-Layer Burrito more than Herman McCain loves his pepperoni stick but I'm not sure I can stomach a Chalupa before a few shots of the good stuff. A Cha-poop-ah is more like it.

Now Crystal has not put her pearly whites around one of these breakfast burritos but as soon as she sniffs that sausage we'll be back with a full report.

**Please not, Crystal will not be eating this EVER as she is starting her new Jane Fonda Buns and Thighs routine today.

Herman McCain Endorses Newt!



http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/election-2012/post/herman-cain-to-endorse-newt-gingrich/2012/01/28/gIQAG2KnYQ_blog.html?tid=pm_politics_pop



It's early Monday morning and Crystal is NOT hungover which is why we're up so sweet tits early and this is what I have to wake up to? Now I know Herman McCain's endorsement came Saturday night but we're on LST (Lesbian Standard Time) so things happen at least one day later for us. We're practically Australian. I have no idea what that means.

I'm not sure one wants the endorsement of Mr. McCain... right? He had to drop out for allegedly touching every Vagine within an inch of his pepperoni stick. Maybe these guys just stick together out of some locker room bravado? They do say cheaters never win.

And then there's Sarah Palin. What the shittin' shit for shit's sake are we doing listening to this hoo-hoo? I mean, I can't stop but I am not a major news network. And since I've got cable TV - an antenna! - her nasty sound bitten face is all over Today starring Ms. Ann Curry.

Somewhere Zack De La Rocha is speed dialing Eddie Vedder, crying in the fetal position, saying how she co-opted his band's name.

"Annoy a liberal. Vote for Newt" - Sarah Palin on Fox News, the station where they were once both employed.

And that Jeanine Pirro. Remember her. That nasty pants who thought she had a dingleberries chance in my buttocks to win the New York state senate seat starring Mr. HIllary Clinton.

Dear Ms. Pirro - I don't think so. Also, then she was a TV judge going up against another powerful woman: Judge Judy Sheindlin. I think Ms. Pirro is a dum-dum. My apologies to the lollipop.

Friday, January 27, 2012

Now Listen Here!


http://www.nytimes.com/aponline/2012/01/27/us/AP-US-Cynthia-Nixon-Gay-By-Choice-.html?hp

Now if Miranda wants to tell us it's her choice to be lesbian then let's respect that alright bitches. Crystal chooses to be fabulous so why can't she choose to be gay. She said it's a choice for her. Like it was for Aunt Shannon before her. I know plenty of LUGs (lesbian under grads) that then go on for the dick after. Jill Sobule and Katy Perry have both kissed girls. So has Crystal and it ain't no thang.

Crystal loves to feel the feminine curves of a woman's bodice next to hers. Naked, in sateen sheets. Just like Grandma Betty apparently. You know, "just to save time."

Crystal's On It!



Okay... now I know about this substance from all the tranny kids because they were smoking it on the street and people were getting totally sick from it. Totally. I bet this is what Demi allegedly smoked.

http://k2spice.blogspot.com/2010/04/k2-incense-spice-ban-coming-to-new-york.html

And the winner for Private Dick of the year is... Crystal!

Demi's 911 Tape

video platformvideo managementvideo solutionsvideo player

Okay, let me say this first of all. These 911 workers are borderline retarded. Now, the first guy can't seem to figure out that the address is Beverly Hills. Even though they've said it 100 times in the first 30 seconds. "You've got LA County." No bitch! You've got LA County. You call 911 and you get 911. It's not like you dial an area code first. Then he transfers these poor scared ladies (is one a maid or something and not because she sounds Latina racists!) and then she gets transferred to Beverly Hills and then is asked to spell it D-E-M-I-M-O-O-R-E. Bitch is famous mother fuckers!

Okay. "She smoked something. It's not marijuana. Similar to incense." Um, you can't smoke incense, believe me I've tried.

"How old is she?" Probably the hardest thing to discern in this whole call.

"Don't put anything in her mouth"

"She smoked something intentionally but the reaction is accidental"

These people are all ridiculous. Poor Demi is flapping around and these people can't even get a servant to go down and open the gate. Go Andrea go! Jesus.

"Is that a dirt road?" Does this guy not live in LA and know the star of Ghost, St. Elmo's Fire, Striptease and A Few Good Men?

A dirt road? Demi Moore does not live on a dirt road!

This is sort of humiliating and secretly my worst fear that the same will happen to Crystal and I'll be taken to Coney Island Hospital in an ambulette.

"Has she done this before?" Um. Yes.

"Who is she?" She's Demi mother fucking Moore.

Now who's this guy around minute 7? Her dealer? Are they all high on this incense-like substance?

Do these people in LA not have GPS? It's not like she lives in the Valley for Christ's sake.

Well, it seems like Demi had a bad reaction to some drugs. Shocking. She's too old to be doing drugs. This is why I have to dump out my RUSH every time I make David buy it.

They still haven't sent someone down to the gate? I mean, come on.

Finally after 10 + minutes they get there.

Save Demi!

Crystal To Be Banned in 28 Countries


If this shit passes:http://bits.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/01/26/twitter-announces-micro-censorship-policy/?smid=tw-nytimes

Help save Crystal! We need to write to someone, but who? Maybe we all just flood our Twitters with protest, like an Occupy Wall Street but we'll call it Occupy Twitter.

It's a slippery slope Dear Readers.

Hold Off On The Toaster Just Yet


http://www.stylelist.com/2012/01/27/drew-barrymore-engaged-_n_1234494.html?ncid=edlinkusaolp00000003

Now I love Drew as much as I love the next Down's starlet but this lady has been engaged and married more times than Cousin Cindy has been to the bar this week - and let me tell you...

Anyway, really Drew? I thought you were still doing the Stroke or the Mac guy. Or both.

I don't get it. And I don't get why this whale movie premiered in DC. What the shit premieres in DC?

And why?

Newt's Nuts, Mitt's Rich, Rick's a Dick and I think Ron Paul Might Be Dead



Now Crystal hasn't sullied herself getting too heavily involved in this Republican debate since Herman McCain - the father of All My Children - was forced out by the evil Lefty media who would not leave his little indiscretions alone! But this clip is great.

Newt's got balls the size of his weird child head. It ain't like he's poor because after 1 million it's all rich to Crystal. Or Cristal. And I'm quite sure the Bushes had some money stored in foreign bank accounts for all of their kabillions of dollars. What kind of historian are you?

And then Santorum as some sort of moral field goal. Please. This guy can't make a decision without holding himself while crying and then having to race to his church to get advice from his pastor. Not someone I want leading my country. Not to mention he's going to tell me that I can't abort my rape fetus. Don't get me started on that asshole. Oh and they'll all - okay not Ron Paul but again is he even alive or is he Ross Perot? - make the queers go so far back into the closet that we'll have to be meeting in back alleys with the abortionists just to get a decent hand job. (Secretly I think neither Newt nor Mitt care). Also we cannot have a president named NEWT or MITT. Are those short for something? Newton? Mitchell? Horrible names.

Newt is just nasty too. He made some comment about gays signaling the rise of paganism. Bitch, I'll tell you what is signaling the rise of paganism - Grandma Betty talking to me about showering with other ladies.

And Calista. I didn't think I would ever say this but there's someone more pinched than Laura Bush?!

And let's talk about Mitt's Millions. Now, I can just say, quite frankly, I'm jealous. And he's right. He earned it. Isn't that the American Way? I'm confused. And it's not like Santorum go Borem or Newt the Nasthole are poor people. If anyone should be offended it should be Grandma Betty because she is going to have to take $2000 of her bingo winnings just to get cremated!

The Plot Thickens

http://usnews.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/01/27/10250655-sources-fox-anchors-accuser-had-an-abortion

Now you know Crystal has an attention span the size of Pierre's missing 4th leg but when abortion is involved I can keep it up for a little longer. Allegedly, the alleged victim of alleged rapist Greg Kelly, the REAL son of Ray Kelly had an alleged abortion. I mean, I hope she did a rape kit if she's comfortable with the downstairs doctor because otherwise, months later, this shit is going to be hard to prove.

Let's see, she meets him on the street & brings him to the office and then 4 months later accuses him of rape. It's not a great case according to Crystal Bridges, Esq. And he's the son of the Police Commissioner (the Commish) who thinks that The Third Jihad is coming.

If I see Gloria Allred's ass anywhere near this I'm going to be pissed. That bitch is like an attack dog for rape victims. Then she makes them sit though fucking press conference after press conference detailing their rapes. Oy.

I can't get Grandma Betty showering with other ladies out of my head.

Things Crystal Loves



http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/46160046/ns/us_news-the_new_york_times/#.TyLayeOXRKo

Jessica Ahlquist. I love her. This little lady took down the prayers from the schools! Thank the maker!

But let me say this Ahlquist. You better watch your back because I know people from Rhode Island (DAVE I!!!) and they make the Sopranos look like the all gay version of Glee. Oh wait... anyway, Rhode Islanders will fuck you up. We need to save Jessica!

Let's start a campaign to Save Jessica Now.

And keep the shittin' prayer out of schools. Schools fer learnin', not prayin'. I ain't tryin' to teach you know readin' and writin' in the Lord's house now am I?

Grandma Betty Has Spoken

For 45 minutes and I could not get her off the phone! We started off talking about the weather and before I knew it - BAM! - she was asking me about men showering together and telling me that in her day she showered with other ladies just to save time. Now I sometimes shower with Pierre - also to save time - but that's another story.

Now, I'm not sure if Betty is hitting the good stuff (read: the cheap stuff that comes in size extra large) this early but she was certainly loose with the information.

Grandma Betty as Harvey Fierstein: Now between you and me hon I ain't go no life insurance like your grandfather but it's only going to cost $2000 to cremate me.

Crystal:

Coincidence... or Time Life Books



You be the judge Dear Readers -

http://www.npr.org/blogs/thetwo-way/2012/01/27/145978150/35-pounds-of-cocaine-are-mailed-to-u-n-headquarters?ft=1&f=1001&sc=tw&utm_source=twitterfeed&utm_medium=twitter

and

http://todayentertainment.today.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/01/27/10250012-911-call-about-demi-moore-to-be-edited-released

Demi Moore was acting "hyper" and once she's hospitalized 35 pounds of cocaine end up at the UN. Now I ain't skooled in no detective stuff or even matematics but I'm pretty sure Demi's dealer flipped the fuck out when he (Tracy Morgan) realized that Grandma was going to rehab. And of course, all of this is alleged. Now I was hoping for a little insight from Whoopi on The View because I'm pretty sure those two were lickin' lines off of each other during Ghost and that's how the famous line "Molly... you in danger gurl" came about because Whoopi was so high she thought Demi was named Molly as she went into a seizure back then. And again, this is all alleged. RIP Patrick Swayze. They want the information about what was ingested "redacted"? Is she some special ops agent? I mean, the people want to know.

And then, to add insult to injury:

http://www.pressconnects.com/article/20120127/NEWS01/120127016/Search-yields-4-pounds-marijuana?odyssey=mod.

I'm quite sure my dad had something to do with this!

To Vaccinate or not to Vaccinate

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/01/26/hpv-infection-rate-america-united-states_n_1233754.html?ncid=edlinkusaolp00000008

But the results are not cause for alarm. While mouth cancers are on the rise – probably from oral sex – most people with oral HPV will never develop cancer. And most don't have the kind most strongly linked to cancer. Also, tests for oral HPV are costly and mainly used in research.

Are we ready to admit that our teens our sucking each other off? Or sucking themselves off? The stories I could tell. Anyway, I'm pretty sure I'm HPV free because Crystal does not dirty herself with such filth as fellatio or cunnilingus. But for all of those Miley Cyrus loving, Justin Bieber hair blowin' tweens they are in trouble. Because that's what you do when you're a tween right? Or put lollipops in yourself and ask your friends to lick them? Right?

We need Rick Perry up in this piece mandating our 14 year olds to get the vaccine but then Jenny McCarthy may get all banana town up on his ass screaming Autism Autism! Right along with Michelle Bachman (remember her?)

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Home Movies



Now normally Crystal does not promote shit for other people because as Terrence Howard once said 'It's hard out here for a pimp.' And don't I know it. My ham hocks are exhausted after being stuff in my too-small Jimmy Choos just to try and impress the next asshole that walks into to this godforsaken five and dime.

But this video actually is funny and I'm pretty sure it's a true story.

Not only does this make me want to get a dog it also makes me want to have weed so I too can have this problem.

Are We Making Our Daughters Whores?



Now you know Crystal likes to stay in shape. She's been inspired to work out since Aunt Shannon got her first membership at the Court Jester. But I'm afraid for all the ladies out there, including MYself. Between these two commercials what are we telling women? That you have to starve yourself, work 60 hour workweeks and drink (eek!) Crystal Light so that one day you too will end up shipwrecked on a beach and a sexy black man will approach you about getting wet? And then Maybelline has a commercial for 24 hour tattoo eyeshadow. Why do you need eyeshadow on for 24 hours? So that you can wake up in some stranger's apartment and still look like the loser you were the night before? I mean.

Crystal does not understand. Maybe she's born with it? I don't think so! Maybe it's manufactured out the hoo-ha and she has no choice. That's my slogan. We need more natural beauties like Crystal out there in the world. NATURAL!!!!