Tuesday, January 31, 2012

In Defense of Lana Del Rey



Dear Readers -

Now I've heard of the backlash against her. I read the New York magazine article: http://nymag.com/daily/entertainment/2012/01/anatomy-of-a-backlash-lana-del-rey.html (I can no longer even try with those sausage links for the moment), saw the Saturday Night Live performance and finally bought the album. And this is what Crystal says:

All of you bitches are just jealous. Maybe she is no good live? I don't know. Maybe she's just not good on national TV? I've seen plenty of amazing people on record that are pretty horrible live (see Power, Cat).

Now this records takes something from Fiona Apple and Amy Winehouse (RIP) but then she turns the pop starlet on her head, totally self-aware of her place in the history of pop tarts.

The album starts with Born to Die and you hear a whisper of a voice, a giggle even. I knew nothing of her really, so I thought oh shit. Here it comes. She says "Hi. Who Me? Why?" And then goes into this deep - dare I say - Nico-esque baritone "Fate don't fail me now." Like she knew about it already. She's the anti-Miley (and Crystal loves Miley) And by the way, we are not prone to music reviews. Or are we? If only Gorgeous were here.

She sings about drugs but not as subjects a la Winehouse; for Del Rey they are merely accessories to her hipster experience which consists of melodrama, sex (lots of sex) and being the pretty girl. The very pretty girl. The pretty hipster girl you all hated and wanted to be. Except for Crystal. She was this girl and oftentimes dated her too. Crystal hasn't dabbled in the puss puss for years but Ms. Del Rey really gets her labia in a lather!

For this very reason she is also the anti-Gaga (and Crystal never liked Gaga). Gaga says she was born this way (ugly, grotesque) but Del Rey was born to die (her beauty like so many before her will be the death of her).

The album is rife with cliche. Many lyrics feel stolen from every bad movie ever made. "Light of my life, fire of my loins"; "and I'm off to the races"; "I'm crazy baby I need you to come here and save me" and these are just from one song but immediately after that she coos in her I'm-like-Britney/Mandy/Miley-too-falsetto "I'm your little Scarlett, starlet, hanging in the garden kiss me on my open mouth." A know-it-all-Lolita. Redundant? Crystal doesn't know.

The cliches keep coming but there's something about it that doesn't offend and it's consistent with her being in on the joke. On Video Game she sounds like your older sister or her trampy friend that would taunt the young boys in school, maybe give them a hand or blow job just because she could and then walk away unscathed, unafraid of any backlash because you too were afraid of her. And all the gay boys wanted to be just like her, with that bravado, that swagger, that hair. She often times comes across as the preacher's daughter, the really bad one (but probably not so bad) like Lori Singer in Footloose.

Lana will fall prey to just being herself. She'll be called dumb because she's very pretty and slutty because she seems to be pretty confident in her interest in sex and a bad influence because she doesn't walk around hiding her sexuality a la Miley Cyrus:

I hopped off the plane at LAX
with a dream and my cardigan
welcome to the land of fame excess, (woah)
am I gonna fit in?

So hard with my girls not around me
Its definitely not a Nashville party
Cause' all I see are stilletos
I guess I never got the mem

or sanitizing it by being a weird-o non-sexual "I love you all Little Monsters!" post-Madonna being. Are there any straight men actually attracted to the Gaga persona.

Also, and thank the maker, Del Rey has no Baby You're a Firework and it's okay to be gay theme song. Please don't. Crystal is tired of straight pop tarts who - and I know you like to kiss girls, so did Madonna 25 years ago - think that by being sort of gay, sometimes after two Appletinis, you are at the forefront of some new civil rights era.

Lady Gaga - I'm going to meet with President Obama and demand justice for LGBTs because they're a weak people and can't do anything for themselves.

Ugh.

Del Rey is interested in love and fun and drama and drinking and drugs and being a bad girl and nostalgia and while she's a few years younger than Crystal (she's 25, we're 28) we're close enough in age to want and long for the same thing: dancing at the dive bar with no consequences; Pre-herpes, pre the 3 abortions we had, the full time jobs, the fear of responsibilities. One thing mattered and that was to be important in your own, insular and yes hipster world. Now her world is bigger and it's for the best.

Vivia Lana Del Rey! Viva the hipster! Viva the post-pop tart!

Florida or Bust!


www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=145950542&ft=1&f=

To hear columnists Ann Coulter and Charles Krauthammer and the conservative media aggregator Matt Drudge tell it, Gingrich is an inconsistent conservative who didn't fully support President Ronald Reagan and whose undisciplined nature mirrored that of President Bill Clinton, who was Gingrich's Democratic adversary in the 1990s.

SHOCKING!

SHUCKY DUCKS!

PS. I'm working on the sausage links but for now, cut and paste Dear Readers

Monday, January 30, 2012

Mariah Carey for Jenny Craig



Now, Dear Readers, Crystal is not a hater. NOT AT ALL. At least of Mariah Carey and Jenny Craig. But Crystal will cut a bitch who fucks with her at say, a dinner party or even a movie theater.

But back to Ms. Carey. Now she looks great in this commercial. She had two babies at once, twins I believe, and was in Precious with a mustache. But she doesn't look like a weight-loss spokeswoman. Not she does not bend over or even crease her mid section. Crystal is guessing that's because all shit would break lose and the women in the front row of her "concert" would be grossed out and throw up all over the place.

Her mid section looks like a caramel coated Pillsbury Dough Boy. Which is fine. Don't get me wrong nasties. But as the image for a weight loss system? I don't know.

Also, I think the song that she is flexing her ham hocks to is from Party Girl and Parker Posey is genius!

The Help Me to Stay Awake During This Movie

http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/real-life-maid-child-cared-reunited-20-years/story?id=14079986&page=2#.TyaP4eOXRKo
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/46185039/ns/today-entertainment/#.TyaN5uOXRKo

Ugh. Now I am all for black people getting to win awards. When Oprah handed Barack Obama the President of the United States Prize I was crying with the rest of my brothers and sisters, but I can't get behind The Help. And I love Viola Davis. And that skinny white girl that was in 3000 movies last year including the one with the dinosaurs, but I can't support a movie about black people that needs another skinny white girl to save them and tell their story. Now listen Dear Readers - before you tell me to see this movie, blah blah blah - Crystal did. Opening night. She was at the Premiere! But I never understood what Emma Stone was doing in this movie and I know it was a book - Crystal does not read books if it is also a movie - but can we not tell the story of black folks in better and different ways.

Go see Pariah. Pariah for President! Precious for VP!

http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/real-life-maid-child-cared-reunited-20-years/story?id=14079986&page=2#.TyaP4eOXRKo

Ugh.

Sausage Links


That's what I'm calling all of my "hyper links" in this blog. I can't always do it correctly so just trust me that what I'm linking to is absolutely relevant.

Crystal got A LOT of unsolicited feedback over the weekend from Coo Coo Bananas The Interlopere fans and the praise was all universal.

Just sayin'.

Now You Can Get Your Diarrhea Before Lunch


http://www.washingtonpost.com/business/industries/taco-bell-joins-other-fast-food-heavyweights-vying-for-breakfast-crowds/2012/01/26/gIQAtTCSSQ_story.html

Now listen Dear Readers - Crystal loves her 7-Layer Burrito more than Herman McCain loves his pepperoni stick but I'm not sure I can stomach a Chalupa before a few shots of the good stuff. A Cha-poop-ah is more like it.

Now Crystal has not put her pearly whites around one of these breakfast burritos but as soon as she sniffs that sausage we'll be back with a full report.

**Please not, Crystal will not be eating this EVER as she is starting her new Jane Fonda Buns and Thighs routine today.

Herman McCain Endorses Newt!



http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/election-2012/post/herman-cain-to-endorse-newt-gingrich/2012/01/28/gIQAG2KnYQ_blog.html?tid=pm_politics_pop



It's early Monday morning and Crystal is NOT hungover which is why we're up so sweet tits early and this is what I have to wake up to? Now I know Herman McCain's endorsement came Saturday night but we're on LST (Lesbian Standard Time) so things happen at least one day later for us. We're practically Australian. I have no idea what that means.

I'm not sure one wants the endorsement of Mr. McCain... right? He had to drop out for allegedly touching every Vagine within an inch of his pepperoni stick. Maybe these guys just stick together out of some locker room bravado? They do say cheaters never win.

And then there's Sarah Palin. What the shittin' shit for shit's sake are we doing listening to this hoo-hoo? I mean, I can't stop but I am not a major news network. And since I've got cable TV - an antenna! - her nasty sound bitten face is all over Today starring Ms. Ann Curry.

Somewhere Zack De La Rocha is speed dialing Eddie Vedder, crying in the fetal position, saying how she co-opted his band's name.

"Annoy a liberal. Vote for Newt" - Sarah Palin on Fox News, the station where they were once both employed.

And that Jeanine Pirro. Remember her. That nasty pants who thought she had a dingleberries chance in my buttocks to win the New York state senate seat starring Mr. HIllary Clinton.

Dear Ms. Pirro - I don't think so. Also, then she was a TV judge going up against another powerful woman: Judge Judy Sheindlin. I think Ms. Pirro is a dum-dum. My apologies to the lollipop.

Friday, January 27, 2012

Now Listen Here!


http://www.nytimes.com/aponline/2012/01/27/us/AP-US-Cynthia-Nixon-Gay-By-Choice-.html?hp

Now if Miranda wants to tell us it's her choice to be lesbian then let's respect that alright bitches. Crystal chooses to be fabulous so why can't she choose to be gay. She said it's a choice for her. Like it was for Aunt Shannon before her. I know plenty of LUGs (lesbian under grads) that then go on for the dick after. Jill Sobule and Katy Perry have both kissed girls. So has Crystal and it ain't no thang.

Crystal loves to feel the feminine curves of a woman's bodice next to hers. Naked, in sateen sheets. Just like Grandma Betty apparently. You know, "just to save time."

Crystal's On It!



Okay... now I know about this substance from all the tranny kids because they were smoking it on the street and people were getting totally sick from it. Totally. I bet this is what Demi allegedly smoked.

http://k2spice.blogspot.com/2010/04/k2-incense-spice-ban-coming-to-new-york.html

And the winner for Private Dick of the year is... Crystal!

Demi's 911 Tape

video platformvideo managementvideo solutionsvideo player

Okay, let me say this first of all. These 911 workers are borderline retarded. Now, the first guy can't seem to figure out that the address is Beverly Hills. Even though they've said it 100 times in the first 30 seconds. "You've got LA County." No bitch! You've got LA County. You call 911 and you get 911. It's not like you dial an area code first. Then he transfers these poor scared ladies (is one a maid or something and not because she sounds Latina racists!) and then she gets transferred to Beverly Hills and then is asked to spell it D-E-M-I-M-O-O-R-E. Bitch is famous mother fuckers!

Okay. "She smoked something. It's not marijuana. Similar to incense." Um, you can't smoke incense, believe me I've tried.

"How old is she?" Probably the hardest thing to discern in this whole call.

"Don't put anything in her mouth"

"She smoked something intentionally but the reaction is accidental"

These people are all ridiculous. Poor Demi is flapping around and these people can't even get a servant to go down and open the gate. Go Andrea go! Jesus.

"Is that a dirt road?" Does this guy not live in LA and know the star of Ghost, St. Elmo's Fire, Striptease and A Few Good Men?

A dirt road? Demi Moore does not live on a dirt road!

This is sort of humiliating and secretly my worst fear that the same will happen to Crystal and I'll be taken to Coney Island Hospital in an ambulette.

"Has she done this before?" Um. Yes.

"Who is she?" She's Demi mother fucking Moore.

Now who's this guy around minute 7? Her dealer? Are they all high on this incense-like substance?

Do these people in LA not have GPS? It's not like she lives in the Valley for Christ's sake.

Well, it seems like Demi had a bad reaction to some drugs. Shocking. She's too old to be doing drugs. This is why I have to dump out my RUSH every time I make David buy it.

They still haven't sent someone down to the gate? I mean, come on.

Finally after 10 + minutes they get there.

Save Demi!

Crystal To Be Banned in 28 Countries


If this shit passes:http://bits.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/01/26/twitter-announces-micro-censorship-policy/?smid=tw-nytimes

Help save Crystal! We need to write to someone, but who? Maybe we all just flood our Twitters with protest, like an Occupy Wall Street but we'll call it Occupy Twitter.

It's a slippery slope Dear Readers.

Hold Off On The Toaster Just Yet


http://www.stylelist.com/2012/01/27/drew-barrymore-engaged-_n_1234494.html?ncid=edlinkusaolp00000003

Now I love Drew as much as I love the next Down's starlet but this lady has been engaged and married more times than Cousin Cindy has been to the bar this week - and let me tell you...

Anyway, really Drew? I thought you were still doing the Stroke or the Mac guy. Or both.

I don't get it. And I don't get why this whale movie premiered in DC. What the shit premieres in DC?

And why?

Newt's Nuts, Mitt's Rich, Rick's a Dick and I think Ron Paul Might Be Dead



Now Crystal hasn't sullied herself getting too heavily involved in this Republican debate since Herman McCain - the father of All My Children - was forced out by the evil Lefty media who would not leave his little indiscretions alone! But this clip is great.

Newt's got balls the size of his weird child head. It ain't like he's poor because after 1 million it's all rich to Crystal. Or Cristal. And I'm quite sure the Bushes had some money stored in foreign bank accounts for all of their kabillions of dollars. What kind of historian are you?

And then Santorum as some sort of moral field goal. Please. This guy can't make a decision without holding himself while crying and then having to race to his church to get advice from his pastor. Not someone I want leading my country. Not to mention he's going to tell me that I can't abort my rape fetus. Don't get me started on that asshole. Oh and they'll all - okay not Ron Paul but again is he even alive or is he Ross Perot? - make the queers go so far back into the closet that we'll have to be meeting in back alleys with the abortionists just to get a decent hand job. (Secretly I think neither Newt nor Mitt care). Also we cannot have a president named NEWT or MITT. Are those short for something? Newton? Mitchell? Horrible names.

Newt is just nasty too. He made some comment about gays signaling the rise of paganism. Bitch, I'll tell you what is signaling the rise of paganism - Grandma Betty talking to me about showering with other ladies.

And Calista. I didn't think I would ever say this but there's someone more pinched than Laura Bush?!

And let's talk about Mitt's Millions. Now, I can just say, quite frankly, I'm jealous. And he's right. He earned it. Isn't that the American Way? I'm confused. And it's not like Santorum go Borem or Newt the Nasthole are poor people. If anyone should be offended it should be Grandma Betty because she is going to have to take $2000 of her bingo winnings just to get cremated!

The Plot Thickens

http://usnews.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/01/27/10250655-sources-fox-anchors-accuser-had-an-abortion

Now you know Crystal has an attention span the size of Pierre's missing 4th leg but when abortion is involved I can keep it up for a little longer. Allegedly, the alleged victim of alleged rapist Greg Kelly, the REAL son of Ray Kelly had an alleged abortion. I mean, I hope she did a rape kit if she's comfortable with the downstairs doctor because otherwise, months later, this shit is going to be hard to prove.

Let's see, she meets him on the street & brings him to the office and then 4 months later accuses him of rape. It's not a great case according to Crystal Bridges, Esq. And he's the son of the Police Commissioner (the Commish) who thinks that The Third Jihad is coming.

If I see Gloria Allred's ass anywhere near this I'm going to be pissed. That bitch is like an attack dog for rape victims. Then she makes them sit though fucking press conference after press conference detailing their rapes. Oy.

I can't get Grandma Betty showering with other ladies out of my head.

Things Crystal Loves



http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/46160046/ns/us_news-the_new_york_times/#.TyLayeOXRKo

Jessica Ahlquist. I love her. This little lady took down the prayers from the schools! Thank the maker!

But let me say this Ahlquist. You better watch your back because I know people from Rhode Island (DAVE I!!!) and they make the Sopranos look like the all gay version of Glee. Oh wait... anyway, Rhode Islanders will fuck you up. We need to save Jessica!

Let's start a campaign to Save Jessica Now.

And keep the shittin' prayer out of schools. Schools fer learnin', not prayin'. I ain't tryin' to teach you know readin' and writin' in the Lord's house now am I?

Grandma Betty Has Spoken

For 45 minutes and I could not get her off the phone! We started off talking about the weather and before I knew it - BAM! - she was asking me about men showering together and telling me that in her day she showered with other ladies just to save time. Now I sometimes shower with Pierre - also to save time - but that's another story.

Now, I'm not sure if Betty is hitting the good stuff (read: the cheap stuff that comes in size extra large) this early but she was certainly loose with the information.

Grandma Betty as Harvey Fierstein: Now between you and me hon I ain't go no life insurance like your grandfather but it's only going to cost $2000 to cremate me.

Crystal:

Coincidence... or Time Life Books



You be the judge Dear Readers -

http://www.npr.org/blogs/thetwo-way/2012/01/27/145978150/35-pounds-of-cocaine-are-mailed-to-u-n-headquarters?ft=1&f=1001&sc=tw&utm_source=twitterfeed&utm_medium=twitter

and

http://todayentertainment.today.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/01/27/10250012-911-call-about-demi-moore-to-be-edited-released

Demi Moore was acting "hyper" and once she's hospitalized 35 pounds of cocaine end up at the UN. Now I ain't skooled in no detective stuff or even matematics but I'm pretty sure Demi's dealer flipped the fuck out when he (Tracy Morgan) realized that Grandma was going to rehab. And of course, all of this is alleged. Now I was hoping for a little insight from Whoopi on The View because I'm pretty sure those two were lickin' lines off of each other during Ghost and that's how the famous line "Molly... you in danger gurl" came about because Whoopi was so high she thought Demi was named Molly as she went into a seizure back then. And again, this is all alleged. RIP Patrick Swayze. They want the information about what was ingested "redacted"? Is she some special ops agent? I mean, the people want to know.

And then, to add insult to injury:

http://www.pressconnects.com/article/20120127/NEWS01/120127016/Search-yields-4-pounds-marijuana?odyssey=mod.

I'm quite sure my dad had something to do with this!

To Vaccinate or not to Vaccinate

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/01/26/hpv-infection-rate-america-united-states_n_1233754.html?ncid=edlinkusaolp00000008

But the results are not cause for alarm. While mouth cancers are on the rise – probably from oral sex – most people with oral HPV will never develop cancer. And most don't have the kind most strongly linked to cancer. Also, tests for oral HPV are costly and mainly used in research.

Are we ready to admit that our teens our sucking each other off? Or sucking themselves off? The stories I could tell. Anyway, I'm pretty sure I'm HPV free because Crystal does not dirty herself with such filth as fellatio or cunnilingus. But for all of those Miley Cyrus loving, Justin Bieber hair blowin' tweens they are in trouble. Because that's what you do when you're a tween right? Or put lollipops in yourself and ask your friends to lick them? Right?

We need Rick Perry up in this piece mandating our 14 year olds to get the vaccine but then Jenny McCarthy may get all banana town up on his ass screaming Autism Autism! Right along with Michelle Bachman (remember her?)

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Home Movies



Now normally Crystal does not promote shit for other people because as Terrence Howard once said 'It's hard out here for a pimp.' And don't I know it. My ham hocks are exhausted after being stuff in my too-small Jimmy Choos just to try and impress the next asshole that walks into to this godforsaken five and dime.

But this video actually is funny and I'm pretty sure it's a true story.

Not only does this make me want to get a dog it also makes me want to have weed so I too can have this problem.

Are We Making Our Daughters Whores?



Now you know Crystal likes to stay in shape. She's been inspired to work out since Aunt Shannon got her first membership at the Court Jester. But I'm afraid for all the ladies out there, including MYself. Between these two commercials what are we telling women? That you have to starve yourself, work 60 hour workweeks and drink (eek!) Crystal Light so that one day you too will end up shipwrecked on a beach and a sexy black man will approach you about getting wet? And then Maybelline has a commercial for 24 hour tattoo eyeshadow. Why do you need eyeshadow on for 24 hours? So that you can wake up in some stranger's apartment and still look like the loser you were the night before? I mean.

Crystal does not understand. Maybe she's born with it? I don't think so! Maybe it's manufactured out the hoo-ha and she has no choice. That's my slogan. We need more natural beauties like Crystal out there in the world. NATURAL!!!!

The Truth Hurts



Now as you all know Dear Readers, Crystal is a huge supporter of LGBTQ rights. She oftentimes considers herself an ally. Now the above video seems crazy but there's probably some truth to it - I would not go near my childhood bed's posts if I were you! But what I'm concerned about is A: why is that gross? So what If I want to put a bat up my ass and B: Straight people do it too. When I was in high school one of Crystal's girlfriends... let's call her Becky told me how her then boyfriend (who may or may not have been her step-brother, I forget) put carrots in her Vagine and then put them back in the crisper. See, so it's not just homosexuals. Straight people have sphinxters too.

Not A Good Week for Ray Kelly

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/01/26/nyregion/greg-kelly-police-commissioners-son-in-rape-investigation.html?_r=1&hp

Now first of all, I know all of my national and international Dear Readers get upset when I just write about New York, like it's the center of the universe or something. But when you are hobnobbing with the elite, like myself, this is just what you run across. Both Barbara Walters and Cindy Adams were telling me last night about Ray Kelly's son and all of our faces just about fell to the floor - at one point I'm quite positive Cindy's chin did and then she had an assistant put it back on. Anyway, I digress.

But Greg Kelly a rapist? After Ray Kelly is telling me about the 3rd Jihad? I think there's a Jihad going on in the Kelly household if you catch my drift Dear Readers and I'm quite sure you do!

THis is a real scandal! It's all so messy and - who knew (certainly not I because you couldn't pay me to watch Fox unless it is because Ms. Jennifer Lopez and Ms. Steven Tyler are tellin' the fat kids they can't sing on American Idol - that Greg Kelly is a Fox News Anchor? ANd apparently he hasn't been on the morning show since the accusations.

Now you know Crystal is an advocate of women's rights (ABORTIONS FOR ALL - FREE!) but she met some guy on the street, brought him to her office after a couple of drinks, then the alleged rape occurred and then they were texting and emailing after? Now, Crystal would not email and/or text her rapist. Would you? I'm sure this guy is a nasty (most men are) plus he's the son of a cop (I'm really pigeonholing him now) but even all of that stuff doesn't make him a rapist. But maybe he is... what do I know? Also, I'm always surprised when men in a certain position (no pun intended) rape because can't they just hire someone for the sex making? Can't wait to see how all of this unfolds (like the lips of my labia no doubt!)

Love ya!

Facebook Fan Page


Or something like that. Listen even though Crystal AKA The Interlopere is only 27 technology to her has never really made sense. We're really a Commodore 64 kind of gal. But thanks to the genius of The Interlopere's IT Specialist Connie B AKA Connie Chung AKA Because You Con Con Con we now have a Facebook page. Connie Chung will be updating it periodically with things like our favorite recipes from Rachel Ray, Books We Can't Wait To See The Movie Version Of and Classic Sayings by Grandma Betty.

Like our page.

Like me.

Somebody has to like me best - Dianne Wiest in The Birdcage.

Oh and PS - Connie Chung is NOT our IT Specialist because she's Asian and there's a stereotype that Asians are good at computers. So don't even think about starting that rumor Perez Hilton!

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

A Strange Man on the Bush Compound


http://www.nytimes.com/reuters/2012/01/25/us/25reuters-bush-home-dallas.html?hp

No, no, not Barbara wandering around in just her pearls. For real a crazy toon. Now, take some time to read the above article. It's very short. And then let's find out what's not right about this.

A: He was spiritually told to pick up a package. Hmmmm.

B: He had a gun in the car.

C: He was let go.

Now you know, Dear Readers, that Crystal was never GWB's biggest fan but it seems like a bit of a boo boo that this man was not detained. So now he's runnin' around Texas with a gun in his car trying to pick up packages for our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. This reminds me of Grandpa Hank working at the post office in his cardigans and bringing his jumbo lunch buckets for 2nd shift.

Listen, it's the only package reference I have right now that isn't about dick.

But seriously. This wack-a-doodle was let go, and the name is not released to the press... I smell a rat and I think that maybe this was George Sr. or maybe it really was Barbara in just her pearls?!

State of the Union


Okay. I tried to watch it before I got too drunk. I cried when they showed that Gabby Giffords because that bitch is star. She takes a fucking bullet to the head and there she is (sort of) clapping and standing up for Obama. She's amazing and I'm sad she's retiring but get well soon sista!

The rest was so corny and horrible and Obama wants to make it illegal to drop out of school before the age of 18? (This is my takeaway, sad, I know) but really Heir Commandant?! Come on!

And then to prove his point they had that lady with the bad hair sitting next to Michelle Obama and she was being applauded for taking a community college class? I mean, Crystal has gone to DeVry bitches. Why isn't she sitting next to Mrs. Obama. Or better yet, why isn't she giving the goddamned speech? I know, I know, voting, you have to be 35, etc. But still. I could just deliver the speech and then go out to some fun Capital Hill bar with John Boehner. Who by the way is darker than Obama. Not that it matters to me because Crystal does not see color. Unless it's in her stool which has been unusually green lately. Anyhoo..

And then that Republican 'rebuttal'? Where the fuck did that guy come from? He was like a leftover cast member from The Addams Family on Broadway starring Ms. Brooke Shields. He played one of the corpses that Morticia fucks.

The Third Jihad



Honestly, I couldn't even finish this clip. But I'll some it up for you: Quick, be scared all of the time and go to Target and buy the new video game/Snuggy/waffle iron because that will make it all better. Ugh. Now my panties are in a wad Sarah Palin you nasty!

Also Rudy Giuliani. Puh-leaze. Remember when he thought he could become president by campaigning just for the old Jews in Florida. That didn't work. Ugh. And that fucking lisp. To all my gay brothers and sisters with lisps, fine, but not this nasthole.

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/01/25/nyregion/police-commissioner-kelly-helped-with-anti-islam-film-and-regrets-it.html?_r=1&hp

I'll tell you what The Third Jihad is going to be: Crystal going down there to One Police Plaza with all of my Muslim sisters, heads wrapped so tightly that when I blink my hijab is going to fling off and knock out a couple of officers! What the shit racist NYPD!? And Ray Kelly - come on, you're better than this. I mean, do people really think - and I know the answer before I ask - that one group is going to be responsible for all the destruction in the world? I mean, of course the answer is yes and it's the Catholics. I mean you can be the president, I'd rather be the Pope - His Royal Highness, Prince.

For realz though. Thousands of po pos saw this shit and now they're thinking that anyone who turns bows their head towards Mecca 5 times a day is a Jihadist? Don't come to my house because that's just Crystal blowin' some trash she found online.

"Put your hands in the air!"

Crystal - They are officer!

We have got to stop this! OWS - go to One Police Plaza now! Oh wait? Are you still here?

Demi Moore Hospitalized for 'Exhaustion'


Dear Readers -

I've got much to report. First of all, I'm thinking that if I make my titles read more like headlines and less like my vag is twisted any which way but loose it might invite more readers to The Interlopere. If you keep acting like a little asshole no one is ever gonna want to be your friend and one day someone's gonna punch you in the face. - Mom.

So I'm trying something new!

http://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/2012/01/25/demi-moores-hospitalization-puts-spotlight-on-her-alleged-history-substance/

Now, can they please stop calling this exhaustion? Really. She and Tracy Jordan were probably using her Kaballah string to tie up her bony arms so she could inject Restalyne right into her veins because she was lamenting the loss of The Kutch and he was upset because The Kutch is making 2 1/2 times what he does per episode. It's a sick, sick fucked up world.

Let me tell you about exhaustion: It's Mom working her overnight shift at the CVS and still being able to squeeze in a happy hour at The Headquarters. Grandma Moore is a pussy compared to Mom. And don't even get me started on Grandma Betty. In between bar tending shifts at the Green Gables she would be puttin' a few back herself. At 60! And she never complained about exhaustion. Bitch has 7 stents (4 in one artery) and is still smoking her Kent III's. (Are there Kent II's?)

Exhaustion my ass.

Love ya toots!

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Because She Only Has a Few Words, Choice or Otherwise


http://cityroom.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/01/24/palin-has-a-few-choice-words-for-christie/?scp=2&sq=Sarah%20Palin&st=cse

Why are people even paying attention to this biznitch. WHY AM I?

And on Monday night, she took on New Jersey’s blunt-talking governor, her fellow Republican Chris Christie, declaring that he had gotten “his panties in a wad” in a “rookie mistake” that reflected a “lack of self discipline.”

Okay. This is why. Rookie mistake? Lack of self discipline? Panties in a wad? Isn't this the half-a-term governor (rookie) that quit (lack of self discipline), doesn't read newspapers - except the one she uses to line Trigg's cage - (rookie mistake), spent a lot of campaign money at Saks or somewhere other than her Dress Barn Outlet (lack of self discipline). What has she done other than make rookie mistakes that show a lack of self discipline that quite frankly put my panties in a wad - Joan Osborne.

And I'm not Chris Christie devotee or anything so that's that but if she's espousing her expertise in something other than raising a lot of children and being a failed VP candidate she needs to shut it down.

The Interlopere: Crystal's back!