Friday, February 24, 2012

For Joanne

You should all watch and love this video and then share it and Tweet it and Foursquare it and fuck it because it's great!

xo
Crystal

Speaking of Pussy

Now I know you're all wondering, Dear Readers, where has Crystal been? Well, she's been down in Virginia getting her pussy examined for her future abortions. More on that later. But seriously I was talking to my homegirl Joanne yesterday and we decided this: Sisters have got to do it for themselves. Ain't no one gonna do it for you.

But anyway, while I was sunning my hoo-haw in VA a lot of shit has happened. Like #1 it's 1973 again, decades before Crystal was born, but we have some loony toonies talking about my vagina and her vagina and aspirins in knees and infanticide and whoa!!! Someone pass me the good stuff because if this is a time warp I want to reap the benefits? Right Jimmy? You with me Janice?!

But seriously... you know Crystal is a big fan of abortions. More abortions government funded. Period. But now we got this Holy Coven of Crazies up there telling all the ladies that they know what's best for my pussy. First we have this birth control debacle where - speaking of pussy - President Obama has said that insurers, even those associated with religious institutions, would have to pay for birth control. The INSURERS. NOT the institutions. So of course you get every wing nut with two teeth left and a second grade vocabulary (and Rick Santorum carrying around his dead fetus child) saying that Obama hates religion is Muslim loves Satan and fucks small dead children while officiating gay weddings. YES JESUS!!!! And what does Obama do?

"Sorry guys." Enter John Boner crying and Mick Jagger passes him the microphone so he can sing about his Sweet Home Chicago? You know what Obama? You better grow a pair so that your scared "I'll have unilateral talks with Iran" ass doesn't get sent back to Chicago. HILLARY 2012!!!! I'm tired of this shit already. Michelle better take those arms and make Obama the power bottom we know he is and fist the sense into him! Stand up brother!

Okay so there's that. Ugh. And then there's this bullshit about having to examine my VAGINE before I decide - as an adult - to terminate my pregnancy; to remove the toenail size growth from my uterine lining; to vacuum out something the size of what Pierre throws up just to have Paco eat it. FUCK YOU. Why don't all of the doctors and scientists stand up and say NO. Take out a fucking full page ad in every national newspaper (not counting USA Today - that shit lines The BirdCage starring Mr. Robin Williams and Mr. Nathan Lane) and say FUCK OFF. We're not going to do it. Here's the text:

FUCK OFF. As a nation of abortion providers we are dedicated to giving women then highest quality health care where there dignity is maintained throughout ANY procedure, including but not limited to abortions. We will not force them into some sentimental 3-D schlock fest about how their fetus will grow up to be a Great American. Most likely it will grow up to be a sociopath, somewhere on the autism spectrum that needs Ritalin from day one just to concentrate on Sesame Street. So let us do you a favor now...

Sincerely,

Doctors and Scientists.

Don't have fucking Clooney or Yoko Ono sign this shit because you know nothing tickles O'Reilly's testes like getting lefty celebs on a cause. Let's be serious about this folks.

And speaking of being serious. I can compromise. Crystal loves to compromise. So if you insist on having my pussy inspected before I decide to have an abortion fine. But the trade off is this - while you're in my pussy, acting all Avatar and shit to show me the dot matrix image inject the peanut with the good stuff and scrape it out. Two for the price of one.

I met a woman at a party recently and she told me she had a daughter. Crystal said "that's nice" not really wanting to talk about kids because nothing makes Crystal feel her 26 years more than baby talk. But then she said this:

I only had the kid because I had had too many abortions.

And that's how it should be. Get off of my clit. Vagina Dentata NOW!

Saturday, February 4, 2012

This is Cunt-ry



Now Dear Readers, Crystal comes from class: the White Zin is served in tumblers and paper plates are de riguer at all family functions under the rented white mosquito net in the back yard but this is real country trash. And Crystal can't believe she didn't think of it first because she has plenty of enemies that she would love to throw her flaming tampons at!

Friday, February 3, 2012

The New(t) Mrs. Gingrich

Dear Readers - it took us a while to break the news but this is the reason Callista went to bed early. This is why we haven't heard from Gorgeous since the primary. She is now the new Mrs. Newt Gingrich. But Callista is not the old. NO! Newt finally got the open marriage he always wanted, according to his second wife.

The Interlopere is sad to report that Gorgeous can no longer be our unbiased foreign correspondent now that she has married a candidate for the Republican nomination to become President of the United States (but secretly if she had married Roseanne we would have given her a raise!)

**Please not Gorgeous' blow out. Callista still has some say in this marriage!

Congrats Gorgeous and steer clear of Ann Romney!

xo

Crystal

Is "Tranny" Really So Offensive? Trannies weigh in!


But seriously Dear Readers - the latest "controversy" of the word "tranny" comes from "Blake Lively".

"I hope to have a few girls one day. If not girls, they better be trannies. Because I have some amazing shoes and bags and stories that need to be appreciated."

Now really, Crystal does not see what's wrong with that. It's like a complement, right? If Crystal was to be called transgender she would be flattered. And remember, Crystal may or may not be transgender. 

But here's our theory - if it comes from a place of acceptance isn't it okay? If Sherry Shepherd can call her best friends her "niggers" or excuse me, "niggas" can I call mine my "trannies"?

Let me say this: I agree that transgender folks should not be marginalized and made to feel like minstrels but I'm just not offended by the word tranny in this context. And isn't it just that, context? If this were Bill O'Reilly or Ann Coulter, yes! But Ms. Blake Lively who referred to herself as a tranny? I mean, she's gorgeous!

Weigh in transgender people all over this big gay world!



We Won!

Now Crystal doesn't want to brag but we were the first - on The Interlopere - to cover this breaking story that sent the Twittersphere into a tizzy. Now we can all get our titties checked at Planned Parenthood again. Thanks Suzie! But I've got my eye on you...


Is Lana Del Rey (LDR) Transgender?

Now Dear Readers Crystal herself may be transgender so keep your GLAAD rags out of my inbox okay?

Thank you. True story:

Young Crystal, next to Grandma Betty's bed: Grandma Betty, what are these washcloths doing on the side of your bed?

Grandma Betty: Those are my glad rags honey.

Young Crystal: Glad rags?

Grandma Betty: To clean up Grandpa's sperms.

Young Crystal:


But seriously. Last night Crystal was at a fabulous after party for a fabulous art event and one of her many admirers approached her about Ms. Lana Del Ray and told Crystal that he thought she sounded like "a tranny" so it got Crystal to thinking... is LDR a transgender? Those lips, those Barbra-nails elongating her very large hands. That voice. Just some food for thought this morning Dear Readers. Here she is on Letterman last night.



Thursday, February 2, 2012

Gotta Like Mike



I know I know that people are never in love with Mayor Bloomberg but after this generous gift I'm ready to suck it for a fourth term.

SAY YES!

Somehow... This Is Also Not Me

But this definitely could be Grandma Betty! Crystal - as you know - is a huge ally to the LGBTQ community. She loves all people. Especially those who come out in difficult circumstances, like in hip hop or the vestibule in a Capital One Bank.

"Ms. Banks considers herself bisexual, but, she said: "I'm not trying to be, like, the bisexual, lesbian rapper. I don't live on other people's terms.'"


Crystal is also not trying to live her life on other people's terms. Sistas are doing it for themselves!

Some Genius Did This And It Wasn't Me

Or Grandma Betty - don't front bitches, she's VERY tech savvy!

Let Susan G. Komen GOOOOOO

To the tune of "Let My People Go". Now obviously this Susie is a nasty bitch. BUT - but this is America and she has a right to give her money to whomever she wants. I can see whomever I choose - Sinead O'Connor via Prince
So, I think this: stop walking for breast cancer - I mean it! Did this ever do anything other than raise money for Susie? Let's start walking for Planned Parenthood. Why don't we start a new march? A better walk and get a better color and theme than "Race for the Cure" and Pollyanna Pink. Let's get punk rock with this shit and raise our own money. Like people did in 24 hours with $400,000! If you like Planned Parenthood touching your titties let's give them the money instead.

FYI - Crystal is thinking of going back to school to become an OBGYN. Then she'll give you a screening for free in her bedroom.

Love ya!

Don't Read This Post

Seriously, we have to stop caring about this dum-dum. Maybe Crystal needs to stop posting about him so our hundreds of thousands of Dear Readers won't drive the mental and emotional traffic his way. Who cares who he supports? He sucks. Let's talk about Lana Del Rey instead.


Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Lovey, Time For My Rectal Exam



This is amazing. Janet Howell (no relation to Thurston Howell III, I'm assuming) has proposed that men be required to undergo a rectal exam (yes please!) and cardiac stress test before getting their penis pills. Love that!

She attached it to a bill requiring women to get an ultrasound before an abortion. A: No one wants an ultrasound because that goo they put on your stomach is nasty and B: Get out of my puss puss mother fuckers!

Women unite! Shut this shit down.

Love this Janet Howell!!!

Poor People


Now I'm pissed. This bullshit took me away from my TV viewing.

FYI - "It's not good being very poor."

"You can focus on the very poor. That's not my focus."

"We have a very ample safety net."

Sweet Jesus you asshole. If it was so ample they in fact wouldn't be very poor, right?

Now, what is this safety net you mention? Food stamps, housing vouchers. Hmmmm.

Income Guidelines (no elderly or disabled member) in New York state

Family Size                 Monthly Gross Income*                 Annual Gross Income*
1                                 $ 1,180                                            $ 14,160
2                                 $ 1,594                                            $ 19,128
3                                 $ 2,008                                            $ 24,096
4                                 $ 2,422                                            $ 29,064

Each additional person$ 414 +                                          $ 4,968 +

Applying for a New Section 8 Voucher

New York City Housing Authority
Until further notice, as of December 10, 2009, NYCHA is no longer processing any new Section 8 applications. 


FYI Asshole. You really are a rich fuck who has no clue. I mean, I hope all of those poor honkies all over this country say "fuck you" to Mr. Romney and his millions. 

UGH.



I Smell A Rat

First Susan G. Komen and now this?!  How in the shittin' shit does Pfizer mix this up? I smell a conspiracy? Where was Calista Gingrich last night? Gorgeous reported she went to bed early - more on that later after we seek counsel from Connie Chung.

Ladies who have sex with cisgender men! Get your puss pusses in order because it looks like the world is against you!


I Am Keeping My Titties Under Wraps



Until Susan G. Komen gets her head out of her ass. This fucking retarded charity stopped funding breast exams at Planned Parenthood because they Karen Handel, the new VP of the organization is anti-choice. Follow this nasty at Twitter here and tell her that you will smack her down with all of our titty might if she doesn't stop being such a Nasthole. Can I just say that Crystal will cut a bitch.

Also, what the mother fucking shit. SGK is saying they don't fund "organizations that are under investigation by local, state or federal authorities. According to the organization, this applies to Planned Parenthood since it's the focus of an inquiry, launched by Rep. Cliff Stearns (R-Fla.), seeking to determine whether public money was improperly spent on abortions."

I'll tell you who's going to be under investigation. Grandma Louise:

Grandma Louise: Hello?

Lady Caller: Louise, this is nasty ho.

Grandma Louise: What do you want?

Lady Caller: I'm pregnant with Tom's  baby.

Grandma Louise: WELL THEN HAVE AN ABORTION!

Let Crystal tell you something, Dear Readers... SGK is a liar pants. They've got an ideologue in there as VP - note to self where is the president and why isn't she overriding this bullshit? 

I'm going to put away all of my pink ribbons, pink water, pink ponies and pink pussy. 

I would also like to say, to all those ignorant pro-life bitches out there that if organizations and the federal government and agencies, etc. stop funding breast exams at places that also provide abortions you sluts are going to be feeling each others' titties because hospitals, private practitioners and clinics provide abortions! But not nearly enough. 

Anyway, this just reaffirms Crystal's belief that cancer sucks. You have chemotherapy, radiation and oh wait! if you have breast cancer you can have your breasts removed. What exactly is Susan G. Komen doing with all of their money?  Their total assets in 2010 was over $450,000,000!!!!! Why do we have no new treatments? Stop walking ladies! Let's all find a new charity to support!



Romney Grabs a Decisive Win In Florida

Gingrich Grabs Gorgeous' Ass



During an evening which surprised no one Mitt Romney came out on top of Florida while Newt tried to dominate Gorgeous. At first we were not please but as the evening wore on (and Candace went to bed) Gorgeous and Newt got to know each other a little bit better. Stay tuned for some major news. First we must consult with Connie Chung.

Live from Boca,

Gorgeous

Thank You Connie Chung

Dear Readers - for those of you who didn't believe me, who never believe in me I would like to show you this email from Connie Chung herself, The Interlopere's IT specialist. Certain information has been removed in order to protect the innocent (Maury Povich, Grandma Betty).

I'm guessing by sausage links you mean hyperlinks imbedded in a word or sentence.  Well, as the IT specialist for The Interlopere's facebook pageConnie Chung is here to help.  Attached you will find another of screen shots that illustrate what I am about to tell.  First for the type the word/sentence you want to use (i.e. "New York magazine article) the highlight the word - see screenshot 1.  Then, select the button that says "link" - see screenshot 2.  Next, in the pop-up box that comes up copy the URL that you wish to link to the phrase in the box that says "to what URL should this link go?" - see screenshot 3. Finally, hit ok and your phrase will be linked - see screenshot 4.

TA DA!

Let me know if it works.

Signing off --
Connie Chung.

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